Back in the saddle again...

Oh where to begin...

First, the happy:
Darling son is now 18 months old and simply amazing. Worth every sleepless night! Well, now he is a walking, sleeping, pooping, eatting, bundle of energy. He sings constantly!! My fave hit is "Fwosty the NOMAN", followed by "Woah, woah, woah da butt". And he is so happy. And so cute. And so little (5th percentile for height, and 9th for weight.) And perfect. So much so, that having another one sounded like a good idea, right?

Right?

Well, of course, that sparked fears and 'woe is me' about being able to get pregnant again. So when my cycle came back in February, we just didn't bother with birth control. Or s*x for that matter. We were just too tired! Then he started sleeping through the night at 11ish months and that got the juices flowing. Once we were caught up on our sleep (August/September) we started 'trying'. Each month when I got my period I would count back 16 days (since the luteal phase was the only consistent thing about my period) and would say, "Well, we just missed the timing this month." Still, in the back of my head....dread and fear. So in December, I would ovulate over Christmas vacation, so we were going to DO IT! From CD10-CD23 we did it. Everynight. Sometimes twice. Then on January 11th, I tested. A little early, sure, but still within range of super sensitive tests. And guess what?

BFP!

Wow!! So maybe we aren't IF afterall? I mean, we just knocked some boots and then got all preggo.... like normal people. It all seemed too easy.

It was.

On January 28th I was at work, went to the potty and had spotting...then bright red blood... then stringy stuff. So I called the doctor and he said it could be normal, but go to L&D for a Sonogram. So I did. It was 6-7 weeks, so my thought was we would see the little flickering heartbeat and be sent home to worry. Nope. Not for us. After 4 hours, 3 ultrasounds and a bloodtest, I was told the results were inconclusive. It appears I was 4weeks 2 days. No, I said. That is not possible.

Next day, I felt some heaviness, but not really crampy. And I would go between brown to red and back again. And I was sad.

Very very sad.

The whole house was sad. Tried to be happy and positive for the DS, and tried to cheer up DH, but just felt crushed. The worse part was the little burst of hope that would pop up. But Monday, I called my doctor and found out, SHE WAS ON VACATION! Talk about bad luck. The doctor on call sent me for a follow up Beta, and then I waited. That evening, I was driving home from work and had horrible, OMG I can't drive with these cramps. When I walked in my house I felt something fall out of me. I panicked, because it was just me and the baby at home and how was I supposed to deal with this and where the heck was my hubby and WHAT DO I DO?!

So I went to the potty, and found a sad little lump of grossness on my pad, which I scooped into a water bottle, wrapped up, stashed away and called the doctor. Doc on call #2 said to call my doc in the morning. The plus side was, I felt physically better. Those cramps were awful, and they stopped and the heaviness went away.

The next day my test results came back and my Hcg level had gone up! So off to L&D I go, again, to see what's up. Thankfully, it was a snow day. Whew! L&D confirmed my blood levels had dropped WAY down, so it appears I had a complete miscarriage, and they would take the "products of conception" to pathology.

And that was it.

Its never that easy.

The worst part is that at 4weeks 2 days I was JUST getting my BFP, when really, it was already over. So now we wait out this cycle, and try again next month.

Seriously, this sucks.

I am so tired.

Sigh.

That just says it all.

Baby boy still doesn't sleep through the night, even though he is 8.5 months old! I feel like I could do lots of the stuff I want to do if I could sleep from 11p-6a without interruption. That would be 7 hours of beautiful, wonderful, restorative sleep. Heck, I could go 10:30p-5:30a, meaning I have 30 minutes to exercise before having to get the baby. Wonderful! I hear of mom's getting up at 5:30 to exercise and wonder how they do it. Well, they do it by actually getting SLEEP!!

Or at work. There is so much I can do, I want to do, but my motivation is stymied. Why? SLEEP! I'm too tired to exert any brain energy onto well, anything. And forget having to get up out of my desk! i'm too tired. So I'm going to try to give up caffinee since that may help the baby sleep... but it will make me even MORE miserable.

Speaking of misery, I had my first AF last month. It was a doozy! It was like when I was a 13 year old all over again. I'll spare the details, but lets just say...ick. Well, CD1 was 3/16... now its CD36. And of course I POAS and it was a BFN. Not like I was expecting much different since, well, we haven't really taken much time to work on the baby making (again, I'M TIRED!) and I'm not really ready to be pg again so soon, since Danny is so much a baby still, and I'm SO TIRED. But, come ON! To not have a period... this is ridiculous! But I've had 40-45 day cycles before. Just a reminder that I'm still infertile.

Sigh.

Resolution FAIL

So I give up.

I'm struggling to try to get it all done, and as a result NOTHING gets done. My house is a disaster, my hubby takes on more than his share of dish washing duties (though he IS home one day a week, so that extra day = extra work... maybe?) and I haven't even begun to exercise. Oh, and I've been late to work every day for 2 weeks.

I want to have it all together. I want to have a clean house, and a rockin bod, and a happy/healthy child, and a strong marriage, and a LIFE, and a good performance review at work, and stuff... All things that in my mind would happen if I was a SAHM. My friend who is a SAHM has a fully decorated house, makes homeade granola bars for the kids, goes out with friends, and exercises about 80 hours a day. I just don't know when to get stuff done. Maybe it will be easier when DS sleeps through the night? Maybe I'll be able to wake up at 5:30a to exercise if he sleeps from 8a-7a? Last night I got 5+ whole hours of sleep (123o-615) and got to work on time and feel great! If I could count on this I could work with it. Meanwhile:

i'm gaining weight
my house is a DISASTER! I mean, call DFS because the carpet my child plays on hasn't been vaccumed in a month and I have 2 cats!! Its gross.
We haven't saved ANY money this year because we keep overspending. For example, we have $100 to last until NEXT Friday, and we have to buy groceries on Sunday (at least $120) plus gas. The cats need to go to the vet and I need an oil change.
I've gotten NOTHING done on projects that I want to do
And this weekend I totally plan on trying to go to the home and garden show for an hour between naps. Oh, and make stewed prunes, and sweet potatos, and pears and some other baby food.

But all I want to do is play with the baby.

Does this get any easier?

And, BTW I am off of my BCPs so we're playing with fire!! Still nursing though, so that should help.

Speaking of... its pumping time!

New Look for a New Outlook

So I changed my blog look.... cool huh?

I need to tweak some things, but realized that I'm in limbo between primary IF and secondary IF. We are planning on TTC again in April/May and I know that all my IF fears will come FLOODING back. I'm afraid of going through it again. I'm afraid of NOT being able to have a sibling for my dear son. I'm afraid I'll never get the daughter I crave.

And with all of that I feel like I'm 'cheating' on my son for wanting more than one. Fun posts acomin'!

So back to my resolutions...
My day:
6:30a wake up, get dressed, wake up baby, feed baby, dress baby, get out the door by 7:30am
8a-4:30p work
4:30p-5:30p: Drive 30 min to get the baby, and drive 30 min home.
5:30p-6:somethingp: Feed and play with baby
6:something - 7ish: Give the baby a bath, feed, put to bed.
7:30p eat dinner
8:00p pack lunch, pack baby's stuff, find outfit for work that is clean and fits, wash pump. Normally done by 9:30p.
9:30p: Make dinner for tommorrow? Do laundry? Get a shower? Perhaps a little TV?
10p: Collapse exhausted into bed so can wake up and repeat.

Ummm.... where are my projects supposed to get done? Weekends are all "play with baby while cleaning the house" but at least Fri. and Sat. nights I don't have to pack anything so that is an extra 1.5 hours to do stuff. But I'd kinda like to hang out with my hubby....

This working mom thing kinda blows.

So, yelling at myself....I need to be HAPPY. I need to be SETTLED. I need to commit to my job and stop looking for something else. By committing I can nestle down and be happy. I need to accept that I can't be the SAHM that I long to be, and sure if we made different decisions in the past then things would be different now, but we DIDN'T make those decisions and things AREN'T different now so suck it up!

Gotta pump. More later.

Happy New Year!

Wow, 2009 was a blast! I call it "The Year of the Baby" in that I started the year with my 'coming out' as a pregnant lady, then blossomed into very pregnant lady, then had a baby and was on maternity leave, then a reduced work schedule, then holiday break. It was like a glorious dream.

And now 2010, which I shall call, "The Year of Reality."

Now I really have to figure out how to make this whole working mom thing, well, work. Or work well. (I'm just so clever! ;) )

So my plan... ready? Its brilliant!

1. Learn to be happy. I spend so much time in tears or near tears because I have to leave my squishy baby to go to work. Of the 7 days in a week, my parents have 4, my husband has 1 (well, 1 to himself and 2 with me), and I only get 2 days that I have to share (and bath time, and midnight feedings and morning dressing time.) But you know what? I'm going to be HAPPY (damnit!) I have a house that is rapidly becoming a home, I have a WONDERFUL husband, am blessed that my parents will provide my child with care even if it means they have to make sacrifices, and my child is fantastic! We are all healthy and employed and it could be SO much worse! I read about a chapter of Enriques Jouney (its a book) and had to put it down. Its about mothers in latin american countries who are single mothers (not by choice) in countries with no child support laws, that leave their children to go to America to try to earn money for their families since they want their children to be able to eat every day. And the children, desperate for their mothers, ride the tops of freight cars, risking life and limb, to try to join up with their mother in the US. Wow. With that as a reality for so many people, I guess being a working mother isn't so awful. Also, a FOF told me she was worried leaving her little girl and that somehow their bond would be damaged with her working crazy hours. Well, she was excited to report that children always know their mother. When her daughter needs comfort, the only person she wants is her mother, even though other people may spend more time with her. That was cool to hear. So, goal for 2010, BE HAPPY.

2. Learn to be clean! I created a 'chore chart' for me and my hubby. The idea being that we will more regularly do things, like cook and clean. It will help to make the division of labor in the house more equitable (sorta. I still assigned myself more chores rather than argue with him about cleaning the bathroom.) But now all parts of the house will be cleaned once a month. Sure, we should probally vaccum more than once a month, but once a month is more than we do now! Knowing I have to vaccume this week means that it will get done, versus me looking at my dirty floor (yes, with the baby on it) and thinking "Wow, that really needs to get done" and then NEVER doing it. So yes, it will happen after the baby goes to bed which is exhausting since I also have to pack up a ton of stuff for the baby to have at my Mom's house, and pack myself up, and find clothes that fit and are clean, plus special projects (see below). But I have faith. And stubborness.

3. Learn to be responsible! We need to cut our budget and be responsible. So we will food shop every week, and cook regularly, and cancel premium channels, and not spend money we don't have. This is going to be hard. It will take a little doing since we overspent SO much this holiday, so essentially we will empty our savings and start trying to build it back up. This is an annual event. We MUST get better!

4. Get 'er done! I keep walking around my house thinking, "Oh, I should organize that, throw that away, clean that, paint that" etc but it NEVER gets done. So each month I will do 1 project. Tackle 1 room that needs work. I will organize it, throw things away, recycle/sell/give things away, and clean it. I will do a little bit each night. The plan:

January: I get paid to organize a job fair which will be in Feb. Since I have to get the baby, I will not stay late at work to work on it, so I have to do it at home. So that will be this month's project. Oh, and taking down Christmas decorations.

February: The job fair is the 19th, so I will be working on that this month as well. Also, this will be baby's 6th month so I may try to exercise a little more, and eat better so the baby can just eat what I eat. I'm not going to wean yet, but I'm thinking with all this pumping my supply may start to dwindle. Besides, we will be moving ahead with solids.

March: Basement part 3: The cold zone. Our basement has 3 distinct rooms. One is under our kitchen, is cold, leaky and cold. And leaky. And buggy. This is where we store things that can handle cold, leaky and buggy. Like decorations, AC units, and camping/skiing equipment. But there are moldy canna bulbs, old boxes, etc that can be tossed.

April: Basement part 2: The big ole mess. This is where most of the storage happens in our basement. And the laundry. And the bathroom. So this is where I toss things I don't want to deal with, and there are a LOT of things! Hopefully, by now I will have saved some money to buy some storage bins and be able to reorganize and trash stuff. My MIL gives us a lot of stuff that we won't use, and it ends up here. So maybe a yardsale? Or I'll be lazy and take it to Goodwill.

May: Basement part 1: The future office. In April/May I'm going to go off BCP's and try for baby #2. If I got pregnant right away....wait while I stop laughing... the kids would be 18months apart. Thats the closest I want to go. So this room needs to be CLEANED since its really the cats room. The rug has to be cleaned and moved, the old CDs and videos need to be dealt with, etc.

June: The current office. Its really not in bad shape, but there are SO many books and SO much stuff that can be tossed. Not to mention my shoe closet where there are shoes that I would NEVER wear. So we will organize this and simplify this and it will be lovely.

July: Move the office to the basement. What a daunting task!

August: Baby boy turns 1! If I'm preggo, then this month will be turning the room formerly known as the office into his room. If I'm not, then it will be cleaning out our bedroom. I mean, by now I will have been exercising regularly, the basement will be organized, and I will know where to take old crap.

September: This will be the month left blank. This is where I can catch my breath and catch up with my self.

October: My birthmonth! Since now my house is regularly clean, and organized, and I'm brilliant, and life is perfect in every way, this month I'll tackle the kitchen. I'm sure by now it is a big ole mess since we are cooking for the baby, but we may be able to pack up some baby feeding stuff... hmmmmm.... probally not because I'm so totally pregnant by now... (hardeeharhar!)

November: Remember the plan for August? Well, whatever wasn't done then will be done now. And holiday's.

December: Just the holidays. I mean, is there time for anything else?

Imagine if I stuck with this plan? Next Christmas would be AWESOME!! But boy, just writing this has worn me out. Do I have the energy to do this? Or the time? Or the ability? I wish I could just cancel the TV since that is such a time sucker, but hubby said no. (We don't watch when the baby is awake.) The other challenge is the baby. I want to spend all my time with the baby, so this stuff will need to get done in small bursts at night. Perhaps an occassional weekend (as involved with moving heavy stuff.) But optimism is how things get done.

5. Lastly, turn my job into something I can be proud of. Heck, if I have to be here I might as well be accomplished! Of course, I've spent my first day back after break blogging away, but there is an adjustment period. :)

So off to eat lunch! Happy 2010 (Twenty ten) everyone!!

A Reminder of What's Important

Here I was getting ready to b*tch about how I only got to see my sweet baby for a grand total of 60 minutes yesterday (not all at once, and 40 of those minutes were feeding) and how I HATE being a working mom, when my life dream was to be a SAHM and I want it so bad!!

And then I read some of my fave IF blogs. One of them discussed how she is reaching/has reached the end of pregnancy being a viable option (or at least with her own genetic material) and in her blog she said, "I WANT THIS SO BADLY, this THIS which= me plus him that it is hard to breathe."

And I had to stop.

And feel grateful.

I got to spend a WHOLE HOUR with MY baby yesterday! What a blessing.

Family Leave is NOT just a woman's issue!

So today is my very first day back to work without Maternity Leave. Sure, I've been working for 8-weeks now, but still... Just knowing that my leave is over... I'm getting teary just thinking about it. Leaving him this morning damn near broke my heart. Must remind myself: He is with his Daddy (and his Gramma since Daddy has a meeting to go to) and he is much loved and very well cared for. I got to feed him this morning and will give him a bath tonight. Its just not enough time. But I will make it count!

When DH requested to used his FMLA for the month of December and then to come back on a compressed scheudle (which other people in his office have) he recieved some static. They finally agreed, and pointed out that if he had been female, no one would have thought twice about his request. It would have practically been assumed! But we don't expect this from our men. Maybe if we did, then we would have better leave options. Working in domestic violence/se.xual assualt for years, I learned that if something was labeled a 'woman's issue' then it was often ignored by politicians and people with money. It was a 'soft' issue. If we focused more on the importance of family in this country, and equal parenting vs. the SAHM/working Dad mentality then maybe more may be done. Instead, we stick to the 1950's as our parenting ideal, have TV shows highlighting the plight of SUPER large families, and discuss at length teenage/single parents which are mostly focused on women. There is no easy solution. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. I guess... I guess I would just like to feel supported as a working mother OUTSIDE my own support system. I wish my job, my government would get on board.

I did FINALLY find a support group for working mothers on BaltimoreMommies. Only 1 event so far, but it was AWESOME! One mommy talked about how she only gets to play with her son for about 30 min a day before getting him ready for bed (my issue!) and how she takes a day off a month to just stay home with him. I'm totally going to do that. I think that is a fantastic idea.

4 month doctor appt is wednesday! I'll post the update then.