Fear of mail

Well, officially not PG this month. :-(

On the other hand, talk about wicked timing! I get home yesterday and my test results were in. Nothing exciting, just confirmation that my ovaries are not a happy place and apparently my vaginal shmear was fine. The best part about that is that I didn't have an vaginal shmear, but still, glad to know it went well. Because my wacky body decided last month to be 'normal' it screwed up my tests, so when my Dr. sent me a prescription for a re-do of my FSH for CD 2 or 3 I thought it was great timing that today was day 3! Lucky! So today I had a blood test. More fun for the family. And Dr. said if I wanted to review my tests in more detail to make an appointment. Already done. I feel so on the ball!! When I get to her office, I'm totally ready to commit to the anticipated horror of Clomid. But maybe it won't be so bad.... Stay tuned!

So feeling pretty good.... until the first dreaded baby shower invite arrived. I'm so not going. There is no way I am driving 4 hours north on a Sunday (no exaggeration. She lives out of state.) to attend an event where 4 of the attendees (that I know of) are pregnant, and then turn around and drive 4 hours home. Meanwhile, I'm a month from turning 31 and have no hope of fulfilling my plan/dream of being pregnant or a mommy on my 31st bday. Yeah, sounds like a no brainer. But I will check out her registry and will still send her a gift. yippee.

WARNING! Pity party ahead....

Apparently, this all hit me harder that I thought it would, so I spent the night sobbing my little eyes out, finally turning to allergy medicine to knock me out just so I could STOP! I never wanted to be one of those woman that had problems. I wanted things to be nice and fun and exciting. Why do I get the shaft? What if I can't have kids? We have NO money for IVF or adoption. And I mean NO money. We make a modest salary, but after you subtract the heinous amount of student loan debt, and the mortgage and the car payment, we do just okay. Just okay. Not okay enough to take on more debt. I don't think it is responsible for us to spend so much money to have the kid that we can't afford to keep the kid. So I'm scared. If I can't get pg with minimal medical assistance, then I may not ever be able to get to be a mom. This is what scares me the most...

The fun things fertiles don't get to do

Well, on Friday hubby went in for his SA... and I went with him. I have to admit, I was SO curious and he was SO nervous, I thought he could use a hand. (Please pardon the horrible pun.) The clinic turned out to be one very well advertised on the radio so it kinda felt like visiting a celebrity. Everyone was very nice and very accommodating and didn't at all make me feel like a shady lady, sneaking into the back room with the hubby. And what a room! Made for men, of course, with leather furniture and wood paneling, with dark green paint and framed hunting pictures of ducks on the wall. The err... visual materials were stashed away in a basket and there was a TV in the room, with more visual materials tucked away in a cabinet beneath. With all of this, and 5 days of abstinence behind us, it still felt a little forced and awkward. But in the end we got a nice sterile, unspilled sample. How romantic. The nice thing is the receptionist instructions you to leave your sample in the room, leave the door open, and then you are free to go. Its nice to not have to run into anyone who totally knew what you were doing in there. What an adventure to share with the kiddies some day.

And now we wait. I need to call the Doctor to make an appointment to review the test scores and probably get Clomid. I was so hoping that this month, with my magical 14 day ovulation, that we would be pregnant and I could laugh at the irony. Well, I POAS this morning and got my expected, and dreaded, BFN. It is CD 28, 14 dpo, my boobs are sore, and I still have high temps. It makes sense I was hopeful. But yesterday I was cranky and today my stomach had some minor... errr... distress, which are all signs of PMS. I'm guessing I'll have a drop in BBT tomorrow and AF will arrive tomorrow night. So I'm just going to wait until all hope is lost, THEN I'll call the Doctor.

And the spot goes on...

Yup, still spotting. Sucks. I'm also having slight boob tenderness/tingles. Pregnancy sign or hypochondria? Who knows.

On the plus side, hubby FINALLY got his appointment to get his little swimmers tested. Lets just hope they're all a bunch of Micha*l Ph*lps'! The appointment is Friday, so no nookie all week. The insurance company finally agreed to pay 50% of the test. Whew! But of course, we need to pay it all up front, and then send in the paperwork to get reimbursed for our 50%. When I say "we" I mean "me" since I know my hubby will not send it in. Heck, we just got him a cell phone for $40 with a $50 mail in rebate. Well, guess who mailed it in? Oh well. At least he cleans the kitchen!

Meanwhile, I got to do a really fun blood test yesterday. Whoohoo! And now we wait. Once hub's test is done, then I call the RE to make an appointment to review the results and plan the next step.

So say a prayer for the swimmers.

Spot On

So this spotting thing has got to stop. I've spotted for 4 days now and its starting to get old. FF is saying it may possibly be implantation spotting (nothing like getting the ole hopes up) but I have a vague memory of spotting back in the day, when there was no chance of a pregnancy. So I think I'll just chalk it up to having a wacky body and call it a day. (But just in case, I think I'll take those prenatal vitamins and lay off the booze.)

Meanwhile, the work front has gotten a LOT easier. Remember Little Mr. Ineffective from a previous post? Well, on Friday he really came through for me, putting Little Miss Mean in her place. So maybe he's not so ineffective after all....

And the hope meter rises...

This morning I was sleepily doing my thing and discovered LOADS of creamy CM and...wait...what's that? Is that...spotting? Now make sure those horses are held because seriously, it could have been a million things, including my imaginiation. But what if it was a faint trace? Is that what implantation spotting looks like? It figures, my child is already making a liar out of me in front of a doctor. OR, and the bigger possibility, is that it was nothing and I'm not pregnant and I totally need to chill.

But just in case, where are those prenatal vitamins...

When normal is abnormal

We are currently at CD 17... and I just got my crosshairs on FF! Seriously, WTF? I mean, ovulating on day 14?! Do people actually DO that?! Of course it happens the month with all the doctoring, just so my ovaries can make a liar out of me. According to FF we are "Good" this month, meaning we got biz-ay at the appropriate times. So we shall see. Happy two week wait everyone!

Meanwhile, I get to figure out why we have $0 in the bank, and why the insurance company is being a pain in the butt about getting a semen analysis. The Urologist told hubby to go to local hospital for the test. Insurance company said, no, go to local lab. Local lab says they don't do SA's. Now what? So back to Insurance Co. who says we have to get a pre-authorization to go somewhere else, and the Urologist's office has no idea how to do that. And back to the beginning. So while hubby's manly bits look alright, we still don't know if our infertility is 'my' issue or 'our' issue. Of course, its always OUR issue, but it would be nice to know where we stand and what our options would be if we're not preggers this month.

The funny thing? I would tell hubby that it was okay if we weren't pregnant until August since getting preggo in August would give us a much more favorable due date in terms of my work schedule. Could it be? I'm kinda convinced its not but lord knows I'll be praying and analyzing signs!!!

And the diagnosis is...

PCOD. Poly-Cystic Ovarian Disorder. Whoda thunk it? I'm officially a member of the infertile club. What I find particularly interesting is just how much sense it makes. I mean, I called my mom afterwards to tell her and her response was, "Oh, that's what I have!" I was like, wuh?! When I was in H.S. my mom went in to the hospital for what she thought was appendicitis and turned out to be an ovarian cyst. She had trouble conceiving due to erratic periods and had always blamed it on the pill. Well, it makes sense that she has always had PCOD. Other symptoms of PCOD include acne (I have it on my back, my mom had cystic acne everywhere) and IBS (which my mom and I both have to varying degrees.) I don't have excessive body hair, which is a symptom, which is why I would brush it off as a diagnosis. I also don't have a problem with weight. (My mom does in the underweight side of the scale.) So I got a bunch of blood drawn, and 8 days after I ovulate (G*d knows when that will happen) I have to get another blood test. Meanwhile, the hubby also had blood tests and will have a S.A. done. Once all of this is complete, then its back to the doctor for next steps. I'm seeing Clomid in my future, but I'm nervous since BCP's made me depressed and I'm nervous about hormonal intervention, but if it is what it takes then I'm going for it.

So while I'm patiently waiting to O, I need to continue with my Cardio and cut out refined sugar. Apparently refined sugar makes PCOD worse. (Something about excessive insulin, combined with ovaries = testosterone which = later ovulation.) Hmmm... maybe I should stop eating my yogurt which contains 14g of Sugar from High Fructose Corn Syrup.

Anyhoo, the Doc says that she is optimistic since I DO ovulate, and now we just need to figure out how well I ovulate. With intervention, if I'm not pregnant in 3 months, then we will move on to the next step. Still, 3 months? That's pretty cool! Of course, for me 3 cycles could actually mean 5-6 months.

It's bound to be an interesting ride...so here we go........

D-Day!

Well, its here! Doctor Day! (Its also CD 11 if anyone cares.) I'm so nervous. I don't know what to expect, and I'm a little uncomfortable talking about it with a Doctor. Weird, right? I can talk about it with friends, but I'm scared 1) to be labeled a hypchondriac, 2) to be told to 'just relax and wait',and 3) that there IS something wrong with me.

But only time will tell...

Meanwhile, I have err..gastrointestinal distress due to the level of anxiety I feel because of the soul sucking evil that I work with. I think I'll take a looonnngggg lunch today.

Why I can't relax

Does anyone remember the "Little Miss" and "Little Mr."? They looked like this:

Well the reason I can't relax is because these are the characters I work with. Let's see...there is a Miss Mean, Miss Crazy, Miss Indecisive, and Mr. Ineffective. These are the only four that cause me grief (keep in mind, that including me there are 14 people in my office (4 GAs, 1 Part Time, and 9 other staff) and recently, 3 people have quit because the four characters I mentioned are just that bad. Mr. Ineffective is a very nice person, but he is supposed to be our leader and avoids conflict at all cost. Miss Indecisive also avoids conflict, though not as much, and is still inclined to bow to other's opinions without often having one of her own. Miss Crazy will be your BFF one minute, and then biting your head off the next, and Miss Mean is...well...mean! All three Misses are on this one committee that basically sit around claiming to be marketing but really just telling other people what to do. Its the Power Trip Committee and they are making me miserable.

So I wonder, is the fact that my chest hurts and I'm nauseus just about every day have something to do with why I'm not pregnant? I'm certainly not relaxed. When you think about it, I spend more of my time either at work, going to work, or preparing for work (shopping for work lunches, laundry and ironing, etc.) then I actually do relaxing. Then on weekends I do real estate, which I don't particularly enjoy.

Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on this baby, like I'm expecting it to "save" me. I don't know why, I guess I'm just hoping for some perspective. I'll still be working after the kid, most likely full time, and I'll have even less time to relax, but I'm hoping that the work stuff will seem less important in comparison. If after this appointment on Friday I learn that I have major issues, then that will direct me. There so many things I'm putting off (like changing jobs) because if I get pregnant then I won't have sick days saved up, I may not be eligable for FMLA, etc. Or I could go get a second Master's degree but I don't want to start a program, and then drop out to have a kid. So maybe I'm putting too much pressure on my doctor.

Maybe I'm just putting too much pressure on me. Maybe I just need to say "F*ck it" and let the loonies run the asylum.

I am stronger then I think I am

My husband accuses me of always assuming the worst is going to happen, and not giving other's the benefit of the doubt. Like this past weekend. We went to a birthday party in hubby's home city for one of his (newly single) friends. Of course, when 4 of hubby's friend's wives are pregnant, there is bound to be a pregnant lady at the gathering. And there was. Luckily, we watched her arrive while we were getting some pizza so I had a chance to try to get used to the idea of her with a belly before I actually walked into the party. Hubby says I needed to relax because preggo wouldn't be the type of person to talk about her pregnancy the whole time, but that isn't the problem. Its that EVERYONE around her wants to talk about the pregnancy all the time. And of course, we walk into the party and see the birthday boy's younger sister there with her new baby, so of course there was a lot of baby talk. My mature response to the situation?

I avoided them.

Very hard since it is a small apartment, and even harder because I'm fairly certain they knew I was avoiding them. I also had to hold my sh*t together to not scream at people when they ask the questions "So, when are you two going to have kids?" and "Are you drinking tonight?" Which is the subtle way of asking, "You knocked up?" I need to develope a witty repitoire of responses. If anyone does read this and does have a great one, please let me know.

Then the next day (with my hangover since the best place to avoid pregnant people is at the bar though this preggo did have a glass of wine) I attended a 9 year old's bday party. That is what we call insult to injury. Especially because my nephew's were there and I just LOVE them. Yes, I do have a favorite and its seeing him that really makes me want to have kids. And watching hubby play with the kids always hurts a little since I want him to play with HIS kids.

Well, I have 4 days to pretend I'm normal before seeing the RE....