The Results Are In...

Before giving the results, I think it is important to truly understand the weekend I just had. Thanksgiving itself was okay. Had a nice dinner at my parent's house with all of the extended family, couldn't remember if I left the oven on so I sent hubby home to check. All in all, it was fun. My Mom seemed sad and I think it was because it is the start of the holiday's and this is the first year without her mom. So I felt bad leaving for hubby's family's house since I wanted to help "fill in" so to speak.

So at hubby's mom's house his sister was there with her 2 little boys. They are always a good time and I had fun with them, but I feel close to the youngest of the boys so it was hard to be there wondering about the results of my test. And then it got worse. We went to visit hubby's best friend's new baby and let me tell you - NOTHING makes you feel more like an infertile then sitting for 5 hours talking about babies. Sister-in-law and friend's wife shared their pregnancy stories, and delivery stories, and new born stories...and I felt totally left out. I was also the DD so I only had one beer, (I know, so much for "treating my body like it was pregnant" but I figure one beer wouldn't hurt. I didn't drink at Thanksgiving.) Meanwhile, hubby drank and drank. What I didn't realize until later was that it was equally hard on him, and he was really upset. The next day I finger painted with the nephew's and then we went to go play a Turkey Bowl Football game with hubby's friends. Well, wouldn't you know it, we walk into the friend's house who is having the party...and there is a baby shower going on. What the F*ck!? Friend's wife is due in January, so her MIL was throwing a shindig. Well, I got the HELL out of there. I thought I would be safe at the game, but then ANOTHER very pregnant woman showed up to watch the game. I did have fun, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I was very grateful to get out of the state and go home.

So Saturday night it felt like Christmas. I still only had cramps that felt more like gas, I had no sign of AF, and I never wanted it as much as I did this month. Hubby, meanwhile, was DREADING the test because he didn't know how he would be able to help me through the aftermath of the crushing heartbreak.

This morning, we woke up, I peed in a cup, and dipped the stick in.
****
Then we waited.
****
Then I got up to check
****
Then I burst into tears.
*
*
*
*
Big
*
*
*
*
FAT
*
*
*
*
POSITIVE!!!!!!!

Holy Shit!

Hubby and I hugged and sobbed and laughed and generally freaked out. I kept checking the test and comparing it with the picture. There was no doubt, that line was PINK! Then the shell shock set in. I mean, do we go about our day like nothing happened? What does one do next? Well, we went to Church (it was Sunday after all), had confession (first day of advent), and then came home and ate. Periodically I would walk into a room and catch hubby staring into space. Total shell shock.

I'm trying to not be too excited. I want to confirm with the doctor before we tell anyone. Then Hubby wants to call his sister and I want to tell my parents in person. I'm so totally scared I'm going to wake up from this dream. I'm freaked out that something is going to go wrong and I'll lose the baby. I mean, what if this is just a chemical pregnancy? There are lots of people out there that know that BFP does not equal baby. I'm so scared I'm going to be one of them.

But today... I'm going to be happy.

What I WILL be thankful for

I'm freaking out! 12 DPO!! In the past, my LP has been 10 days, 14 days, and, most commonly, 16 days. So my test day is 16 DPO. Only 4 days to go!! Just think, due to the unlikelyhood that I will be near a computer over Thanksgiving Break, the next time I post I will be 'offically' pregnant! I was trying to decide how I wanted to do it. I think I'm going to wake up the hubby so he can be there with me and watch the stick turn pink. Of course, in imagining this scenerio, I did briefly allow myself to think about what would happen if the stick didn't turn pink. It was too horrible for words. Honestly, I don't think I could handle it. I was trying to think of a positive spin, just in case, and I did come up with one. Okay, right now my due date would be 08/07/09 so if I got pregnant next month, it may very well be....09/09/09! That would be cool! That would be the only cool thing. If I...oh wait...WHEN I am pregnant this month it would be very interesting because my hubby was born in Novemeber, nine months before his best friend. Well, his best friend is the one that had a baby this month...in NOVEMBER. So if...when we are pregnant this month, it would be very cute.

Meanwhile I will get through a weekend full of pregnant women, praying that there are no new announcements, and able to handle it because I am PUPO. Oh, and here's a funny story about that. There is a party on Saturday night in the state that we will be in visiting my hubby's family. Hubby wants to go, but I want to come home so I can test at home on Sunday. So he asks..."Can't you just test on Monday?" That was too funny for words. Imagine getting a super exciting BFP and then have to go to work and NOT tell people? Or, worse, imagine a BFN and then have to go to work and do a presentation. So no, I will NOT be testing on Monday, and yes we will be coming home Saturday night.

I am so excited. 4 days to go!!! Baby dust to all!

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!

PUPO and TMI

So I was browsing (obsessing) online and rediscovered an acronym that I forgot about: PUPO or Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. How appropriate! Hubby is concerned because I am so sure that this is our month that he dreads the crash. At this point, I don't think I can be saved. I don't want to start planning for the worst so I'm going to be PUPO instead. I've never felt this positive before, even when we were first trying. I was always cautiously optimistic, but now... I just want to be optimistic.

Okay, so I found a website called www.twoweekwait.com which is totally for obsessive freaks like me. People write up their stories and all their symptoms up until their BFP. This is AWESOME! Especially since I've been noticing things that I thought were strange, and atypical 2ww stuff, but its all here! Of course, rational me is saying, "Most people don't even know that they are pregnant during this time, and all symptoms could be a sign of something else." And emotional e is saying (screaming actually),"ME! ME! I HAVE THAT TOO!! OMG I'M SO PREGNANT!"

And now for the TMI (or Too Much Information.) If you don't want to read the personal, bodily fluids stuff, then you probally shouldn't read what's next:

1. Increased veins in my hands. Sure, blue veins on the breast are a classic sign, but I have very pale skin and very blue veins so I always see veins. But on the palm of my hand? That's weird.

2. Tingly nips. Could be PMS, could be the cold weather, but I chose to believe its a symptom.

3. Strange smelling pee. I know, WAY TMI right? But I just read it as someone's symptom! Perhaps a side effect of all the prenantal vitamins? But then why didn't I notice until AFTER I O'd?

4. Crampy, bloated, pressure. Again, I have IBS so abdominal twinges are normal, but this feels...different. Like a softball is sitting right next to my incision scar...you know...in the uterine area? Or maybe I just have to poo.

5. Runny nose. No, I don't have a cold. No, I don't feel sick. Yes, I did have a flu shot. Yes, it is a sign on some people's 2ww.

6. I just read a sign that actually happened to me last night. Even though I'm posting anonomously... I'm still uncomfy posting it. Basically, it was about a hubby commenting about how..uhhh...a certain 'place' felt different than other times. I know, TMI, but who'd have thought it was a sign?

7. Here is one all on my own, with no one else talking about it. Sensitive teeth. Very sensitive teeth. A symptom, or a bad dentist? I guess we'll know when I test in 5 days!

'Tis the most wonderful time...

I decided that the 2ww is the best time of the month. Why? Because its the 2 weeks (or 16 days as it typically goes for me) where I can pretend that it actually might have worked. I'm still focusing on sending out positive energy so positive energy bounces back to me, but I keep hitting a negative roadblock called le hubby. He doesn't want me to go into an emotional tailspin if I get a BFN on Sunday (yes! THIS Sunday!!) so he wants me to be more cautious. Well, too late.

So this weekend I wrote on my ff chart that I was naseuous and I got 44 points on my pregnancy signs. Wow! I thought that was cool, but I also thought I was nauseous because my body didn't agree with the sausage I ate for dinner. Still, the 44 points upped the optimism meter!

And then on Sunday I did an emotional bellyflop. It was over something stupid (Saturday night I asked hubby to go to church with me and he gave me a song and dance about how he couldn't since he had so much to do before the football game at 1p. Fine. So I get back from church on Sunday a.m....and he slept until 12:55!) but it had me in tears. Not big sobbing tears, more like silently leaky eyes. It was the typical "Woah! What was that!?" emotional crisis associated most commonly with...PMS. But then I hear 2ww symptoms are very similar to PMS symptoms, so I'm holding on to that hope.

6 days until I POAS!!!

Feelin' Groovy

Today I feel...happy? Seriously? How weird is that! I feel happy and peaceful. I have no idea why. I'm guessing its just a high point on the emotional rollercoaster I live on.

Here are the little things that made my day so far:

I woke up from a dream where I was up all night trying to ... what was it... there was a house and a party and I needed to do something.... oh well, its gone now. The nice part was waking up and realizing that I did get to sleep after all! Then I heard my current "happy" song on the radio (Jason Mraz, "I'm Yours") while driving to work. I have an easy day today which is why I'm typing instead of working which makes me feel relaxed after yesterday's work stress. As if that wasn't all nice enough, I was updating the family budget which I now refer to as the EZ budget and we're not totally broke! I mean, we've been overspending what we earn all frickin year because neither me nor hubby are good at tightening the belt, so I devised a budget where we actually live pay check to pay check. Its great! Don't get me wrong, I'd rather have a surplus, but with our ginormous student loan payments each month and our miniscule salaries there isn't another way. But now we don't spend more than we have coming in any particular week, all the bills are paid, AND we are starting to save!!! It's a miracle! Lastly, I was sitting at my desk and the clouds parted and a sunbeam came through my window, over my shoulder, and rested on my belly. Being the spiritual person I am, for that moment all I could think was that G-d was sending me a blessing, so I prayed that it was true.

11 days until I test (according to FF). I am not going to POAS any sooner than that.

Yesterday I was trolling blogs trying to find a new one to follow, and I love reading the back stories of people that were IF and are now preg. This one woman posted that she felt a baby implant. Then, about a week later, she posted that she was preg!! I thought that was AMAZING! So today (at 6dpo) I'm obsessing over every twinge. Of course, I have IBS so I have a LOT of twinges and I have a habit of psychosomatic symptoms so its probally nothing... but its hope and hope makes me happy.

I'm going to enjoy this feeling while it lasts.

Whew!

So after a small freak out last night I woke up this morning to a BBT of 97.96 which is wicked high for me. I plugged it in to FF and I got my crosshairs!! The cool thing is that I entered so many signs that instead of getting the normal dashed lines I got 2 solid red lines. And it turns out that I O'd when I thought I did, which was last Friday. So our outlook is "good" with us..uhhh..you know... on 3 of the 5 fertile days. If it happened (and I pray to G-d it did) then baby bean would be due in August of 2009. Worst possible timing for work, but the baby would be born a Leo and I can be down with that. So I test on November 30th. I asked hubby if we can come home from our holiday traveling on Saturday night because I don't want to test at the in laws house. If its positive, I want it to be a moment for just hubby and I. If its negative, then spending 2 hours in a car driving home would suck, as would hanging with the nephews or new babies. Of course, if AF comes early, or I have definite AF signs, then it doesn't matter. But there is no reason to think that I wouldn't be pregnant. I mean, you believe all relationships end until you are in one that doesn't so I'm going to extrapolate the same belief to this.

So what to do. I read on another blog (Redbook's IF blog) about how do you treat the 2ww. Do you treat it like any other time or do you treat your body like you were pregnant. After the lap I decided to treat my body like it was pregnant...sorta. I'm taking prenatal vitamins, trying to make healthy food choices, and drinking less then I normally would. So I think I'll take that up a notch, but nothing too drastic. I mean, I'm not giving up blue cheese until I have to, and with sushi I eat eel anyway and that is cooked. Still, I don't do either of those things with much regularity so it doesn't matter. I am cleaning the litter box because until I'm actually pregnant I don't think I could get hubby to do it. But MIL has promised a self-cleaning litter box once we announce a pregnancy.

Speaking of hubby, last night he was so sweet. I expressed concern that he doesn't share his feelings about the whole IF thing with me. He told me how he feels upset when he hears the announcements too, but he believes his role is to be strong and optimistic for me. On one hand it feels like a stereotypical gender role, which is SO not who we are, but on the other hand... I like it. I like that I can cry to him and he'll hold me and tell me he loves me and everything will work out. I would be willing to do the same for him but its a good point. Someone has to be the 'together' one. (I was going to say "strong" but I don't think feeling/showing emotions is a sign of weakness. I think anyone that is going through this recognizes how strong you have to be to deal with it. And apparently only 1 out of 6 couples has that strength. I'd really rather not be the lucky 1, but I comfort myself with how this has brought us together even closer and how much more this baby will mean to us because of it.)

So anyone out there want to go through the 2ww with me? So far symptoms are very tender bbs, and this morning I had a nasty stomach thing with abdominal cramping (though that may be the iron in the prenatal vitamins.)

Ain't no party like a pity party...

So this morning I posted about how FF is making me paranoid, and then comes along a big 'ole truck of salt to dump in my wounds.



The first of the "everyone is pregnant but me" babies was born.



I kinda wish I hadn't found out until AFTER work because I was being so productive, and now I can't concentrate because I'm oscillating between the following emotions:



1- Happy for their new arrival.

2- Sympathy for the child with the unfortunate name. (Which is so unusual I can't post it here since that may blow my anonymity.)

3- Horrible shooting severe pangs of jealousy.



I'm kinda getting stuck on number 3. I haven't spent much time with the other two. I'm hoping to avoid #4



4- Crushing depression.



I want to get back to my happy place. I think I'll go back and read that optimistic blog entry I wrote, and remind myself that the doctor says I WILL get pregnant, its just a matter of time. I'm slow...like a turtle. (Get it? nudge nudge The name of the blog? I'm so clever. :-) )



Speaking of clever turtles...

Seriously, someone's f*ing with me...

Okay, so last week I had a positive OPK. Yay! Except that I have had what I think is 3 higher temps, yet FF won't give me my cross hairs. So what do I do? I Google positive OPK and not ovulating and did you know that that was possible?! I thought if you didn't ovulate then you wouldn't get a positive OPK, but apparently that is just not true.

Well...crap.

Her e I was all excited to be in the 2ww, and I very well may not be. So do I keep POAS or do I just keep my fingers crossed that I'm having a slow rise?

Well, I guess I can't do anything about it either way. I'll just keep hubby on call just in case I have not yet ovulated, take my vitamins and act like I might be pregnant in case I have ovulated, and generally sit around and wait until FF gives us the cross hairs or AF arrives. Or generally speaking, the official "fingers crossed, legs aren't" attitude.

And optimism is over.

Maybe its the rain. Maybe its the fact that my kitchen is a mess. Maybe its because I'm procrastinating at work which allows my mind free time to wander which instantly means I'm thinking about babies. Either way, its a struggle to hold on to optimism.

But I'm trying! For example, I have a reaccuring shoulder pain that is excruciating, and normally I treat it with advil and heating pads, but I read once that Ibprofin can interfere with implantation and I'm taking NO chances. So I sit and suffer. And the first announced pregnancy is due next week and I am so jealous I could scream!

Meanwhile, the whole eatting lower GI foods is a wash. Its weird, it reminds me of quitting smoking. Back in the day (goodness! over 10 years ago!) when I smoked I would periodically try to quit resulting in me practically gnawing my arm off to get to a cig. Now I would practically gnaw my arm off to get to a cookie... or chocolate... or french fries... or pie. Mmmmmm...pie.....

Happy thought: on FertFriend there was talk about how the HSG flushes out the tubes and increases fertility for 3 cycles. Fingers crossed!

Bad thought: The higher the optimism the further the crash. It is currently CD 18 and I still haven't O'd so I got a long way to go with this cycle.

Well, I'll just keep trying to send positive thoughts out to the universe so that positivity bounces back.

Optimism makes infertiles happy

So its 14 days after surgery. Yay! I can now go back to heavy lifting!

I'm a wee bit scared to get too optimisitic about a BFP since, well, I've never gotten one before. But until we get to the crushing BFN, I figure we may as well enjoy this happy month. I'm POAS (OPK) and trying to eat lower glycemic index foods since that is supposed to help with PCOS. I've also learned that I have ZERO willpower when it comes to carbs, but I'm doing by best. Tommorrow I'll slowly start back at the gym which should help burn the bad carbs up. I'm also taking my very pricey prenatal vitamins every day. Is this neccessary? Probally not, but it also doesn't hurt to try. I've cut back the minimal drinking I do to even less, so that's good. And DH and I are getting back into the groove...routine...whatever. So essentially, this month we are doing absolutley everything every doctor has told us to do and we will see what happens. With my luck, this will be a 50 day cycle, but at least I will get to be optimistic and cheery for a good long time. Unless I ovulate this week we won't be able to have a BFP for Thanksgiving, but if we get preggo this month we will be able to announce (to our very immediate family) for Christmas. That would be super cool.

Fingers Crossed!!

Why Google is evil

So I Googled the other two diagnoses found during my laproscopy and only found scary things. I keep telling myself that my fantastic, highly rated RE is not worried so there is no reason I should be. I also have an appointment at the end of January to follow up, and if I am not pregnant by that time then we can discuss how big a factor these things may be. Until then, I will be optimistic that everything will be fine. For those who want to google, the diagnoses are:

1. Salpingitis isthmica nodosa

Yes, I've been tested for all STDs and besides a brief case of Trichomoniasis I have never had an STD. So no, I do not now, nor ever had PID. So its a mystery to me.

2. Adenomyosis

I saw the pictures, and it was only is certain places, not throughout the whole uterus (known as adenomyoma - a localized disease.)

And of course...

Endometriosis (Level 2, located primarily on the bladder)
PCOS (Thin, which is a wierd type, and I do ovulate frequently, so its not THAT big a deal.)

Meanwhile DH is all normal and above average, and I DO ovulate and ovulate well when I do. All my blood tests were fine, and the HSG that they did during the laproscopy was clear. Apparently I have beautiful tubes and fat healthy ovaries (as I mentioned in the last post) and I will keep reminding myself of that.

One of the hardest parts is knowing that if DH was with a 'normal' woman, he would have a baby by now. Sometimes, I feel like a failure. (Please note thatDH is VERY supportive, and never once made me feel even the slightest bit bad about anything. It is all me.)

So here's too optimisim! (and death to Google.)

UPDATE:

Okay, Salpingitis isthmica nodosa is abbreviated as SIN, which I think is too funny. (You know, as in "I'm a SIN-ner.") And I am currently reading an article called "Diverticulosis and salpingitis isthmica nodosa (SIN) of the fallopian tube. Estrogen-induced diverticulosis and SIN of the mouse oviduct." by R. R. Newbold, B. C. Bullock, and J. A. McLachlan and can be found at http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/pagerender.fcgi?artid=1900443&pageindex=1

So far, I feel better since SIN is realted to Adenomyosis, and infection is secondary. Still a source of infertility and ectopic pregnancy, but treatment is to clear the tubes and my tubes were not even partially blocked. And if my adenomyoma's are shallow or moderate then it shouldn't be a problem. So it makes sense that my doctor wasn't worried. (BTW, I skipped Google and went straight to my library at the University I work at to get the journal articles. Yeah, I'm a nerd.) So back to optimism. Yay!

So it wasn't that bad...

I think the bowel prep may have been the worst part! Here's the skinny:

Tuesday: Woke up crazy early to go for surgery. (POAS, still BFN). Got to the GYN Surg suite and checked in. Was taken back for pre-op. Of course, AF arrived to make my life needlessly uncomfortable. I got to talk with the doctor, the anasetisiologist, and the OR nurse, and then put on pretty gowns. The IV sucked, as did trying to remove my belly button ring, but no problems. Walked into OR, laid down on bed, and the lovely anasetisiologist gave me something to relax, and then the sleepy drugs. And then I was OUT! Crazy! I woke up 1.5 hours later in a different room in a different bed with O2 being pumped into my nose, a sore throat, and cramps. Pain was about a 7 so I got drugs. About 3 minutes later pain was a 3 so I got more dugs. Then I got ginger ale and was transfered to a more upright position. Once I peed I was able to leave. For the rest of the day I was sleepy, out of it, and in NO PAIN! None. Not even a little. I felt tight in the chest from the gas and a crazy sore throat from the tube.

Wednesday: Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch! I had cramps in my uterus, cramps in my back, and sore incisions and a sore throat. So I took my drugs every 3 hours and floated in a fog all day. Heating pad was AWESOME! Thanks for the suggestion everyone!

Thursday: Mildly sore. Had follow up with doctor that went well. Found out did have level 2 endometriosis (mild) on my bladder, which has been removed. That would have been enough to cause infertility. My tubes were open, my ovaries were nice and fat, and all was well. Did discover that I had something with a really long name that meant my tubes swelled where they met my uterus, but the tubes were open and the dye from the HSG spilled easily so this shouldn't impact infertility. I also had Adenomyosis, but the doctor wasn't concerned. In reading up on it, I don't have any of the typical symptoms, just like with PCOD, so I'm not too worried. I did see the pictures of it though so I know if was there, but it was very localized.

Friday - Sunday: Felt fine. Learned that I can't wear heels, and don't want to wear things tight on my waist. Otherwise, just got tired quickly.

Monday: Back a work. I'm EXHAUSTED and its not even lunch time. All part of the healing process.

So now the next step is to start over. All over. At least this time we know that we should be fine, that now there actually is a possiblity of pregnancy. I have a follow up appointment at the end of January, so until then I'm going to be optimistic and enjoy the holidays. Here's hoping for a baby by Thanksgiving!!