So busy...

My life has gotten SO BUSY!

I'm working 3 jobs that are kicking my ass just trying to keep the families financial head above water. And then... life happens. Like my company forgot to take FICA out of my paycheck in 2005. Oops! Gotta pay that back now! All $2K+ of it! And the taxes. Gotta pay those taxes. All $1000 of them. And my hubby. Gotta keep him in the manor he's grown accustomed. He runs races that can cost as much as $75 to sign up for, and drinks wine/beer at $15 a week, and goes to concerts that cost $110 a ticket. All on his credit card, which oops! he forgets to pay. I've been working so much that I haven't been able to food shop or clean the house or anything. Heck, the poor kitties ran out of food this morning! So, the lucky babies got tuna fish instead. I'm sure they are not complaining. Spolied kitties!

How am I ever going to be able to be a mother? I can't even remember to eat on a regular basis! There is no food in my house, and dirt EVERYWHERE! The house needs work to bring it up to what I want it to be, and forget the idea of decorating a nursery. I'll be happy to have furniture in a room. I have a friend with more money than, well, most people my age and she was going on and on about how it is so worth it to hire a housekeeper, because sure she could do the work but why when she would rather spend the time doing other things. I wanted to kill her.

On the baby front, still feels like a big hoax; like I'll find out that really someone has just been shrinking my pants, and paying actors to pretend I'm pregnant, and showing me videos of someone elses sonogram, and oh yeah! That doppler actually MAKES the heartbeat sound. 1w4d to next sonogram. I'd really like to feel the baby move, to know that there is ACTUALLY someone inside me. Right now, I'm waiting for someone to show up and tell me I've been punk*d.

And exhale...

So Tuesday was the big doctor's appointment. Yay! I had to wait over an hour for my 15 minutes of fame. Grrr....

DH was still freakin out and nervous after our last appointment, but I still felt pretty calm. So I do the basics (no weight gain, peed in cup after accidentally dropping it in toliet, blood pressure is fine, baby's heart rate is a stellar 165 bpm) and then the doctor comes in... and doesn't have the test results!! Thankfully, the other office had them and was able to fax them over. Whew. Our risks:

Downs Symdrome = 1 in 4150
Trisomy = 1 in >10,000

!!!!

Them's some good odds! The baby was measuring a week ahead which is fine, and my uterus is the right size, shape, place and all my blood tests came back they way they were supposed to so I am still happily ensonced in my little healthy pregnancy....

So why am I not more excited?

Don't get me wrong, I'm over the moon happy! I spend most nights lying in bed wondering if it was gas or a kick (probally gas. I'm VERY gassy.) and just loving the baby. But... I have no interest in looking at baby stuff. I have no interest in planning a nursery. I have NO interest in buying materinity clothes. I'm only minorly interested in attending prenatal yoga, cloth diapering classes, or hypnobirth... all the things I want to do, and know where to do them, but can't bring myself to go.

I still think its not real. I'm waiting for something to go wrong. I can't believe that in August I will actually have a little person.

Once an infertile, always an infertile.

I can't shake the pain of loss, the fear that I won't be a mom. Its still more real to me than the pregnancy is. I mean, most of my pants still fit, I feel fine, and I'm so crazy busy at work I can't think of much else. All I want to do is survive this semester and deal with house/baby stuff when its over in late May though by then I'll be ka-HUGE and unable to do much. But even that thought seems unreal.

THis is probally why I keep crying at the doctors when I hear the heartbeat. For that one moment, it feels like this might actually be happening...

1st Trimester Screen

So today we went to the Doctor (whom I hope our insurance covers) for our first trimester screen. We were having a combined screen, with blood work and nuchal fold translucency. I woke up early, had a full bladder, and was ready to role. The hospital is SUCH a maze! We finally got where we wanted to be, had a little finger stick for the blood test (not bad) and then got to have the ultrasound. First, let me say how cute my baby is!! We saw its profile, and its little nose, and its little fingers and toes and feet and hands and arms and legs and heartbeat (165 bpm) and it measured at 6.12 cm. The fun was trying to get the baby to bounce so we could get a good measurement. Apparently, the baby wasn't listening. It was just happily going along on its 10 minutes sleep/wake cycle, and couldn't care less what we wanted it to do. It would bounce as soon as the probe was in the wrong place. Silly baby. The challenge is having someone push on your uterus while you REALLY have to pee, so they let me let some out which felt so much better. Still, it was awfully entertaining to be able to watch the screen and see the little baby wave and put its hand in its mouth. Its funny that all this movement is happening and I can't feel a thing! But I'm watching the screen and just falling in love with the little alien in my belly.

Which made it harder when the doctor told me that the nuchal fold was measuring a little big. She said not to worry, and once the blood work came back they would send it all to my OB for my full risk factor. It is entirely possible that there is still a low risk. And regardless of group, there is still a chance that everything will be fine. I'm SO happy I only have to wait until Tuesday to find out. I feel surprisingly calm about it. Perhaps because I'm SO tired now that the adreneline is worn off. Or that there is so much to worry about this week that has nothing to do with the baby. Or just that I have faith in G-d that we are going to get the baby that is right for us. Or just that there is nothing to worry about until Tuesday. We shall wait and see....

So sleepy...

Yesterday I had to call in sick from work since I was too tired to finish combing my hair. Crazy, huh? I'm no longer nauseus, but now I'm crazy crazy tired. At least tommorrow starts week 12, so I should be coming down the home stretch! Of course, I feel bad using one of my precious sick days for this purpose...but I was really that tired!

Monday is my 1st trimester screen and I'm nervous. Not so nervous that they'll find a problem, but nervous that my insurance will cover it. Not that I have ever had an insurance problem, but I really don't have the money. Espcially since our utility bill is kicking our butt. I have to come up with $160 from our savings account to cover the difference from what I budgeted to what the bill is!! And now DH wants to go to a concert that is $90! I don't want to go $90 worth (especially since it will be in May!)

Gotta run and do work stuff!

Finally! Double digits!

So we're now at 10.5 weeks. Woohoo! Sure, its not a milestone like hitting the second trimester, but it kinda feels like when you had your 10th birthday. It just felt like a big deal. I'm not feeling too nauseus anymore, or at least nothing regular. It comes and goes, mostly in the later afternoon. Mostly I'm so frickin tired all the time, which also gets worse in the later afternoon. And depending on how many times I had to get up and pee depends on how tired I am.

We have big scary prenatal testing coming up on the 26th. That's when we'll do the nuchal transparancy. Not too worried, but looking forward to a good result. Then one more week until my 2nd OB appointment. It really does seem to be going fast! Just think, by the end of this month I'll hit the second trimester! I just keep praying that everything will be okay.

First OB Appointment

So yesterday was the 1st appointment as a non-IFer. VERY different expereince. I mean, there were pregnant women in the office, the office was less busy, and it wasn't nearly as depressing. The doctor is super nice, and did a great job answering our questions. Then she brought out the doppler (not trans-vaginal, an abdominal doppler) and said she would try to see if she could find the heartbeat, but not to stress since it may still be a little to early to hear it externally. So we were well prepared, and honestly, I didn't expect anything. I mean, its only 9weeks4days. Well, surprise to us all when she found it pretty darn quickly!!! Wow! I cried. I still can't believe that this is real. My pants are getting tight, I have a super teeny bump (kinda just looking fat), and my morning sickness has quieted significantly. I got a couple of weeks until the 2nd trimester, but life is pretty good right now. So, of course, I'm totally waiting for the other shoe to drop. What's the catch (so to speak)? I have to call and make an appointment for 1st trimester screening for Down's Syndrome and Trisomy, and it makes me very nervous though Doc doesn't think we are much of a risk. Finger's crossed that she's right!

The Post Holiday Update

Sorry for the delay. When I'm not at work I avoid a computer at all costs. Now that I'm back, I'll give you the big points:

• First, let me just say that I love working for higher ed since I love having 2 weeks off for break. But coming back from break is MISERABLE! I have so very much work to do, and no motivation.
• Christmas was a fun filled whirlwind of a week. I didn't kill my bro's gf, my grandmother's mind is starting to go (I think), and all in all I really love my family. Hubby's family isn't too shabby either. We finally told all of our family and the MIL, as expected, told a whole sh*tload of people even though we told her not to. Personally, I think that is incredibly rude. I mean, its not her news to tell!! I also heard some horror stories of how she acted in the hospital with SIL. I'm not sure I want her to be in the hospital at all. Could we just call her AFTER we get home? Lord knows the only overnight guest I want in our house is MY mother the week after birth. Out of town guests need to ante up for the hotel. Anyhoo, got some fun gifts, had lots of fun family time, and got to tell my grandpa that he will be a great-grandfather. That was super cool! And I was surprised by how excited my brother was!
• Week after Christmas I had such big plans. But... I got off my feeding schedule. I know I need to eat as soon asmy eyes open, but instead I chose to roll over and read a book. This meant by the time I got around to eatting I was naueous. Once the nausea sets in, it doesn't really leave. So I spent the whole week sitting on the couch, and napping. I did get out to visit people a couple times, but all the crafts, organizing, projects etc that I had planned to do with my full week of free time kinda got left behind. As did our budget. I'm scared to check the bank statement to see how we totally blew it!
• Had our last (hopefully EVER) RE appointment (though I will see her for routine GYN care). Its amazing. The baby went from a spec in the upper corner of a black ball to, well, an actually little person! In just a few weeks we went from 2.5 mm to 2.5 cm! I'm measuring EXACTLY what I think I should be (9 weeks and 2 days today) and the baby had all of its arms and legs and a heartbeat. We didn't get to hear the heartbeat because she didn't have a doppler (she doesn't see pregnant patients) but we saw it. And I saw the baby wiggle its little butt. (Hubby missed this, and swears he will NEVER take his eyes off the monitor again.) My first OB appointment is this Wednesday. I took off because my mom is having a red hat's party in the morning that I'm going to go to and help at, and then meet hubby for the doctor.
• All in all, I feel great! Tired as all get out, but that is to be expected. I really need to get some work stuff done today, and I REALLY need to clean up some of the stuff at home. My goal (or resolution)? 1 hour a day of project stuff. So I work until 6p, then gym (not today) until 7p, home by 7:30p, dinner over by 8:30p, project until 9:30p, shower etc until 10p, and TV until 11p. Totally doable, right? The only downside is that I'm so freaking lazy! I'm trying to break out of that so I can be the type of woman I would want my daughter to be. Or just a good role model in general. At the very least, I'd like to get some stuff done around the house.

So all in all, life is good. WAY better than I deserve (not that I'm a bad person or anything, but I just feel so freakin' blessed and keep thanking G-d ever chance I get because I firmly believe in G-d's plan and am very thrilled that it is a positive one when that hasn't always been the case.) I just caught up on all my blogs and realized that our situation could have been so much worse. We really dodged a bullet.

So happy new years to everyone!