So I worked out my maternity leave so I could have as much time home as possible. I did 8 weeks off completely, then started back for 8 weeks part time (20 hours a week.) And pretty soon it will all be over.
And I am miserable.
I have to stop talking about it at home, because it makes DH feel guilty when I complain about not being able to be a SAHM since he doesn't make enough money. I just love my baby SO MUCH! I don't ever want to leave him. I always wanted to be a SAHM, and in dealing with the IF it cemented that. The problem is we really can't cut back on anything. I mean, the gov't wants us to pay our student loans, and we kinda need a roof over our head. Our house is small, and in the city, and cheap. Our mortgage is less than some of my friend's rents. We don't live extravegantly, we don't take vacations, but we have non-credit card debt. So we are stuck.
I keep telling myself that the imporant thing is that he is loved, fed, clothed, stimulated, and clean. And it ultimately doesn't matter if it is me, hubby, or mom doing it. But selfishly, I want it to be ME!! I LOVe the little things that I can do to make him laugh. If someone else copies it, he will smile, but only laugh when I do it. I'm so scared that when I switch to full time work the following will happen:
1- my milk supply will dry up.
2- we will lose our special bond. I mean, he was in my tummy for 9 months, and now I only get to see him (awake) for an hour or two a day?! WTH? Will he be more attached to those he sees more?
3- I will miss all of his firsts.
I think once I get into it, and begin to realize that I'm still special to him and he still loves me and we still have a bond then it will be easier to adjust to. I just have to redefine for myself what it means to be a mommy. I'll work on that and get back to you.
Friday, November 20, 2009
The big catch up
So wow! I've been MIA for awhile, huh?
So much to say, and it will take me about a million posts to catch up, but here is the basics:
The Baby: Its a BOY!! Whoda thunk? 8lb 6oz, 20 inches delivered vag.inally on 8/7/09 after 18 hours of labor.
Birth story: The day I wrote my last post I went home feeling all crappy and uncomfortable. I kept thinking something might be happening, but was sure it was all in my head. At 8pm on the dot, something felt...different. It was a contraction that went from my belly button down to my who-who and definitely felt like SOMETHING. So my response? PANIC! I desperately was seeking distraction. So I had poor hubby helping me with these little projects, and then I called my mom and walked around. Did it hurt? eh. I mean, I would stop walking and breathe when I had a contraction, but I could talk through them. It was like having bad cramps while being squeezed really tight. And my lower back hurt, like a normal back ache. Then I went to the bathroom, and noticed a little pink. Now I KNEW something was happening! I tried to time them, but they would last 30-60 sec, every 2 minutes. And my back hurt the whole time so it was hard to tell when they started and stopped since they weren't that strong. Since I had been up since 4am, hubby suggested that we go to bed and get rest just in case it WAS the real thing. so I made sure I was all packed up and organized and went to bed. TOTALLY couldn't sleep. And TOTALLY couldn't' get the hang of timing these things. NOTHING was like we practiced or were told in birth class. So I practiced my vas breathing from yoga, and focused on being calm. At 2 am I decided I wanted someone to confirm that everything was okay, so I wake up the hubby and called the doctor. Off we went to the hospital! On the 15 min drive I had 2 contractions, and was like, "what the heck?!" I was so scared that they would send me home and it was all a false alarm. I didn't want to be THAT girl. So we check in, and wait, and go to triage. They have me pee yet there is no toilet paper and no paper towels in the bathroom. Sweet. Of course, we totally forgot the paper that said I did not have strep B, and of course the doctor on call wasn't MY doctor. So that was fun trying to figure that out. They monitored my contractions and initially told me that I was having regular contractions, but I needed to be dilated more, so they would let me walk around for an hour or two and then recheck to see if I was up to 3cm. But then the doctor decided my blood pressure was too high (probably because I was so nervous!) so they decided to admit me instead. Whoohoo! We move into the labor room, and I get changed and settle in and watch animal planet while breathing through contractions and holding hubby's hand. And eating ice chips, which are way bigger than I thought they would be. I was SO thirsty! They brought in a bag of pitocin and I was like, WHAT?! Hubby said I didn't have to have anything I didn't want, so I told them that since I was progressing normally, I would like to wait and see what happened before adding intervention. I was 3ish cm at the time and was progressing about a cm an hour so there was no reason to speed it up. Then my parents arrived. My Dad did stay in the room with me and was better at it than I thought he would be. When my doctor came on duty, she said we should break my water and do some pitocin and see what happened. I told her fine, and could I please have an epidural. That's right, I totally caved. I was watching the monitor during contractions and would think, "Wow that was a big one" and realize that it was only up to 40, and they would get to 150+. So yeah, epidural. And then they broke my water. IT felt icky. warm and wet and everywhere! And THEN it hurt. Oh lordie, did it hurt. I had to hold 2 hands (hubby and mom) and really focus on my breathing. After an hour of that the dr came in to do the epidural. It wasn't comfortable, especially since he had to do it twice, but AHHHHHH..... sweet relief! The pain didn't go away entirely, but was brought back down to where it started. which was good. Also, my doctor was able to check me more vigorously. I learned the baby was head down and facing to the right. I received the epidural 14 hours after my first contraction at 8pm. so it was now 10am and I was about 4/5 cm. They anticipated I would deliver at about 4pm. Well, after chilling for a couple hours, I started having pain. It was like someone took a paper towel tube and shoved it next to my belly button and filled it with pain, so it reached from back to front. When the anaesthesiologist came in to check on me I explained how the epidural seemed to have missed a spot. He asked have I ever experienced that pain before and I was like, uh... no! He explained that the epidural only numbs from the belly button down, so any pain above that will still be felt, but the pain I was describing wasn't my contractions... it was my gall bladder! I had a foot in my gall bladder! During this conversation I started to get VERY hot and VERY nauseous and couldn't concentrate. I just said to DH, something is wrong, something is VERY wrong, get the nurse! My nurse was on lunch (it was only a 12:30pm) and so the nurse on duty came to check me. Apparently, I had managed to go 5 cm in 2 hours! opps. It was time to push! At that exact moment, my in laws arrived. I couldn't imagine worse timing. DH ushered everyone out of the room while I laid on my side and panted. Of all that I experienced THIS was the worst pain! I couldn't get away from it. I had DH put all his weight on my back to push the foot out of the gall bladder and that helped some, but wow! When my nurse came in I got to start pushing. Every push was a push to get the foot OFF my gallbladder. I kept seeing DH peeking which he said he wouldn't, and finally when the nurse said she could see a little of the head, I HAD to have the mirror. With the mirror I was able to push better since I could see what was happening and was so excited to meet the baby! But WOW pushing is hard work! I felt like my muscles were going to explode and my eyes were going to pop out of my head! As the baby came down, he was turning the right direction, which was cool. (and yes, I totally pooped. But I didn't care. My nurse was so amazing. even with the mirror, I never saw a thing.) My Doctor came in when I was almost there and informed me that because I had meconium staining, the NICU would have to be present to suction out the baby. She didn't want to hand it to me right away since it would need to be suctioned to prevent infection. While I was disappointed, I wanted to have a healthy baby so I agreed. Then I pushed and pushed. I managed to get that kid out in 1 hour! In fact, I did such a good job pushing the NICU people had to run to get there on time. This scared the crap out of my mom who didn't know what was happening (she was in the lobby with everyone else. I wanted no one but hubby to see what was happening) and didn't know why everyone was running into my room. But after 1 big push, the head was out!! And it cried!! Holy crap! Sure, you know there is a baby inside you, but to see that you KNOW there is a BABY inside you! I closed my eyes to focus on the final pushes. Hubby didn't. Poor hubby. All he saw was tons of red fluid, and he quickly looked at me because he couldn't believe anyone could loose that much blood and live. I just remember hearing this LOUD cry, and watching all these people crowded around a very angry baby. He was punching the air and they thought that was hysterical. His score was 9/9. He was so pink he was red! And all I could think was... umm... where's my little girl? Wasn't I having a girl? This kid is super cute... when are his parent's coming to get him? It was such a strange disconnect to think that this little being I was holding in my arms was the same little guy that had been kicking me. It was so surreal! but he was beautiful. Absolutely perfect. he didn't even have a conehead! This is probably why I had a nasty 3rd degree tear!
So I got to try to nurse the little guy, with some success, and then people came in and we played 'pass the baby.' Then they took the baby to the nursery for a bath (dh went with him) while I was packed up and shipped off to my room. My aunt was there and managed to get me a 'good' room which was beautiful! And I was exhausted, but there were still about 6 hours left of visiting hours. I had so many drugs in me, and so much adrenaline in me that I didn't' care. They brought me the baby every two hours to nurse, and I got to order off the room service menu. What was super cool was my brother actually managed to get a flight into MD that night! The next 2 days were awesome, and relaxing, and filled with pain killers, and nurses, and visitors, and room service, and a super cute baby that they let me take home!! DH was so ready to leave the hospital, but I wasn't. I could have stayed forever. I liked that I had help feeding the baby, and at night they would take him away so I could sleep (for 2 hours) and brought me drugs, and ice packs. And I could sit in my comfy bed while people milled about. And it was so nice seeing my brother hold a newborn for the first time.
Then we went home. Oh lordie, recovery was a b*tch! I hurt everywhere, breastfeeding was SO HARD without a lactation consultant standing over your shoulder! I had to use a ni*pple shield to help get a good latch because my tissue was so dense that the little guy couldn't connect. And we had to supplement at the b*reast with formula in a syringe to make sure he got enough calories... and he STILL lost weight. And meanwhile, I couldn't poop. This was the bane of my existence. The painkillers caused me to get all backed up, and my muscles didn't work anymore so I couldn't get anything out. Oh I did desperate things. Finally, it happened and it was wonderful! Of course, now I have a horrendous 'roid which makes pooping still incredibly uncomfy. Sigh. But I survived. Eventually, I stopped feeling like I got punched in the stomach repeatedly, I could walk and sit without discomfort, I survived lots of mastitis, and now baby boy and I are awesome breas*tfeeders. He's getting bigger and cuter every day! I'm loving being a mom!!
I'm also back on the pill. Its weird, after trying so long to get pregnant, to be back to trying NOT to get pregnant! We plan on trying again soon, but don't want to get pregnant NOW. maybe in April/May. Its just too much fun getting to know our little one... who doesn't sleep. but more on that in a later post!
So much to say, and it will take me about a million posts to catch up, but here is the basics:
The Baby: Its a BOY!! Whoda thunk? 8lb 6oz, 20 inches delivered vag.inally on 8/7/09 after 18 hours of labor.
Birth story: The day I wrote my last post I went home feeling all crappy and uncomfortable. I kept thinking something might be happening, but was sure it was all in my head. At 8pm on the dot, something felt...different. It was a contraction that went from my belly button down to my who-who and definitely felt like SOMETHING. So my response? PANIC! I desperately was seeking distraction. So I had poor hubby helping me with these little projects, and then I called my mom and walked around. Did it hurt? eh. I mean, I would stop walking and breathe when I had a contraction, but I could talk through them. It was like having bad cramps while being squeezed really tight. And my lower back hurt, like a normal back ache. Then I went to the bathroom, and noticed a little pink. Now I KNEW something was happening! I tried to time them, but they would last 30-60 sec, every 2 minutes. And my back hurt the whole time so it was hard to tell when they started and stopped since they weren't that strong. Since I had been up since 4am, hubby suggested that we go to bed and get rest just in case it WAS the real thing. so I made sure I was all packed up and organized and went to bed. TOTALLY couldn't sleep. And TOTALLY couldn't' get the hang of timing these things. NOTHING was like we practiced or were told in birth class. So I practiced my vas breathing from yoga, and focused on being calm. At 2 am I decided I wanted someone to confirm that everything was okay, so I wake up the hubby and called the doctor. Off we went to the hospital! On the 15 min drive I had 2 contractions, and was like, "what the heck?!" I was so scared that they would send me home and it was all a false alarm. I didn't want to be THAT girl. So we check in, and wait, and go to triage. They have me pee yet there is no toilet paper and no paper towels in the bathroom. Sweet. Of course, we totally forgot the paper that said I did not have strep B, and of course the doctor on call wasn't MY doctor. So that was fun trying to figure that out. They monitored my contractions and initially told me that I was having regular contractions, but I needed to be dilated more, so they would let me walk around for an hour or two and then recheck to see if I was up to 3cm. But then the doctor decided my blood pressure was too high (probably because I was so nervous!) so they decided to admit me instead. Whoohoo! We move into the labor room, and I get changed and settle in and watch animal planet while breathing through contractions and holding hubby's hand. And eating ice chips, which are way bigger than I thought they would be. I was SO thirsty! They brought in a bag of pitocin and I was like, WHAT?! Hubby said I didn't have to have anything I didn't want, so I told them that since I was progressing normally, I would like to wait and see what happened before adding intervention. I was 3ish cm at the time and was progressing about a cm an hour so there was no reason to speed it up. Then my parents arrived. My Dad did stay in the room with me and was better at it than I thought he would be. When my doctor came on duty, she said we should break my water and do some pitocin and see what happened. I told her fine, and could I please have an epidural. That's right, I totally caved. I was watching the monitor during contractions and would think, "Wow that was a big one" and realize that it was only up to 40, and they would get to 150+. So yeah, epidural. And then they broke my water. IT felt icky. warm and wet and everywhere! And THEN it hurt. Oh lordie, did it hurt. I had to hold 2 hands (hubby and mom) and really focus on my breathing. After an hour of that the dr came in to do the epidural. It wasn't comfortable, especially since he had to do it twice, but AHHHHHH..... sweet relief! The pain didn't go away entirely, but was brought back down to where it started. which was good. Also, my doctor was able to check me more vigorously. I learned the baby was head down and facing to the right. I received the epidural 14 hours after my first contraction at 8pm. so it was now 10am and I was about 4/5 cm. They anticipated I would deliver at about 4pm. Well, after chilling for a couple hours, I started having pain. It was like someone took a paper towel tube and shoved it next to my belly button and filled it with pain, so it reached from back to front. When the anaesthesiologist came in to check on me I explained how the epidural seemed to have missed a spot. He asked have I ever experienced that pain before and I was like, uh... no! He explained that the epidural only numbs from the belly button down, so any pain above that will still be felt, but the pain I was describing wasn't my contractions... it was my gall bladder! I had a foot in my gall bladder! During this conversation I started to get VERY hot and VERY nauseous and couldn't concentrate. I just said to DH, something is wrong, something is VERY wrong, get the nurse! My nurse was on lunch (it was only a 12:30pm) and so the nurse on duty came to check me. Apparently, I had managed to go 5 cm in 2 hours! opps. It was time to push! At that exact moment, my in laws arrived. I couldn't imagine worse timing. DH ushered everyone out of the room while I laid on my side and panted. Of all that I experienced THIS was the worst pain! I couldn't get away from it. I had DH put all his weight on my back to push the foot out of the gall bladder and that helped some, but wow! When my nurse came in I got to start pushing. Every push was a push to get the foot OFF my gallbladder. I kept seeing DH peeking which he said he wouldn't, and finally when the nurse said she could see a little of the head, I HAD to have the mirror. With the mirror I was able to push better since I could see what was happening and was so excited to meet the baby! But WOW pushing is hard work! I felt like my muscles were going to explode and my eyes were going to pop out of my head! As the baby came down, he was turning the right direction, which was cool. (and yes, I totally pooped. But I didn't care. My nurse was so amazing. even with the mirror, I never saw a thing.) My Doctor came in when I was almost there and informed me that because I had meconium staining, the NICU would have to be present to suction out the baby. She didn't want to hand it to me right away since it would need to be suctioned to prevent infection. While I was disappointed, I wanted to have a healthy baby so I agreed. Then I pushed and pushed. I managed to get that kid out in 1 hour! In fact, I did such a good job pushing the NICU people had to run to get there on time. This scared the crap out of my mom who didn't know what was happening (she was in the lobby with everyone else. I wanted no one but hubby to see what was happening) and didn't know why everyone was running into my room. But after 1 big push, the head was out!! And it cried!! Holy crap! Sure, you know there is a baby inside you, but to see that you KNOW there is a BABY inside you! I closed my eyes to focus on the final pushes. Hubby didn't. Poor hubby. All he saw was tons of red fluid, and he quickly looked at me because he couldn't believe anyone could loose that much blood and live. I just remember hearing this LOUD cry, and watching all these people crowded around a very angry baby. He was punching the air and they thought that was hysterical. His score was 9/9. He was so pink he was red! And all I could think was... umm... where's my little girl? Wasn't I having a girl? This kid is super cute... when are his parent's coming to get him? It was such a strange disconnect to think that this little being I was holding in my arms was the same little guy that had been kicking me. It was so surreal! but he was beautiful. Absolutely perfect. he didn't even have a conehead! This is probably why I had a nasty 3rd degree tear!
So I got to try to nurse the little guy, with some success, and then people came in and we played 'pass the baby.' Then they took the baby to the nursery for a bath (dh went with him) while I was packed up and shipped off to my room. My aunt was there and managed to get me a 'good' room which was beautiful! And I was exhausted, but there were still about 6 hours left of visiting hours. I had so many drugs in me, and so much adrenaline in me that I didn't' care. They brought me the baby every two hours to nurse, and I got to order off the room service menu. What was super cool was my brother actually managed to get a flight into MD that night! The next 2 days were awesome, and relaxing, and filled with pain killers, and nurses, and visitors, and room service, and a super cute baby that they let me take home!! DH was so ready to leave the hospital, but I wasn't. I could have stayed forever. I liked that I had help feeding the baby, and at night they would take him away so I could sleep (for 2 hours) and brought me drugs, and ice packs. And I could sit in my comfy bed while people milled about. And it was so nice seeing my brother hold a newborn for the first time.
Then we went home. Oh lordie, recovery was a b*tch! I hurt everywhere, breastfeeding was SO HARD without a lactation consultant standing over your shoulder! I had to use a ni*pple shield to help get a good latch because my tissue was so dense that the little guy couldn't connect. And we had to supplement at the b*reast with formula in a syringe to make sure he got enough calories... and he STILL lost weight. And meanwhile, I couldn't poop. This was the bane of my existence. The painkillers caused me to get all backed up, and my muscles didn't work anymore so I couldn't get anything out. Oh I did desperate things. Finally, it happened and it was wonderful! Of course, now I have a horrendous 'roid which makes pooping still incredibly uncomfy. Sigh. But I survived. Eventually, I stopped feeling like I got punched in the stomach repeatedly, I could walk and sit without discomfort, I survived lots of mastitis, and now baby boy and I are awesome breas*tfeeders. He's getting bigger and cuter every day! I'm loving being a mom!!
I'm also back on the pill. Its weird, after trying so long to get pregnant, to be back to trying NOT to get pregnant! We plan on trying again soon, but don't want to get pregnant NOW. maybe in April/May. Its just too much fun getting to know our little one... who doesn't sleep. but more on that in a later post!
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