Friday, December 11, 2009

A Reminder of What's Important

Here I was getting ready to b*tch about how I only got to see my sweet baby for a grand total of 60 minutes yesterday (not all at once, and 40 of those minutes were feeding) and how I HATE being a working mom, when my life dream was to be a SAHM and I want it so bad!!

And then I read some of my fave IF blogs. One of them discussed how she is reaching/has reached the end of pregnancy being a viable option (or at least with her own genetic material) and in her blog she said, "I WANT THIS SO BADLY, this THIS which= me plus him that it is hard to breathe."

And I had to stop.

And feel grateful.

I got to spend a WHOLE HOUR with MY baby yesterday! What a blessing.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Family Leave is NOT just a woman's issue!

So today is my very first day back to work without Maternity Leave. Sure, I've been working for 8-weeks now, but still... Just knowing that my leave is over... I'm getting teary just thinking about it. Leaving him this morning damn near broke my heart. Must remind myself: He is with his Daddy (and his Gramma since Daddy has a meeting to go to) and he is much loved and very well cared for. I got to feed him this morning and will give him a bath tonight. Its just not enough time. But I will make it count!

When DH requested to used his FMLA for the month of December and then to come back on a compressed scheudle (which other people in his office have) he recieved some static. They finally agreed, and pointed out that if he had been female, no one would have thought twice about his request. It would have practically been assumed! But we don't expect this from our men. Maybe if we did, then we would have better leave options. Working in domestic violence/se.xual assualt for years, I learned that if something was labeled a 'woman's issue' then it was often ignored by politicians and people with money. It was a 'soft' issue. If we focused more on the importance of family in this country, and equal parenting vs. the SAHM/working Dad mentality then maybe more may be done. Instead, we stick to the 1950's as our parenting ideal, have TV shows highlighting the plight of SUPER large families, and discuss at length teenage/single parents which are mostly focused on women. There is no easy solution. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. I guess... I guess I would just like to feel supported as a working mother OUTSIDE my own support system. I wish my job, my government would get on board.

I did FINALLY find a support group for working mothers on BaltimoreMommies. Only 1 event so far, but it was AWESOME! One mommy talked about how she only gets to play with her son for about 30 min a day before getting him ready for bed (my issue!) and how she takes a day off a month to just stay home with him. I'm totally going to do that. I think that is a fantastic idea.

4 month doctor appt is wednesday! I'll post the update then.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Back to work...

So I worked out my maternity leave so I could have as much time home as possible. I did 8 weeks off completely, then started back for 8 weeks part time (20 hours a week.) And pretty soon it will all be over.

And I am miserable.

I have to stop talking about it at home, because it makes DH feel guilty when I complain about not being able to be a SAHM since he doesn't make enough money. I just love my baby SO MUCH! I don't ever want to leave him. I always wanted to be a SAHM, and in dealing with the IF it cemented that. The problem is we really can't cut back on anything. I mean, the gov't wants us to pay our student loans, and we kinda need a roof over our head. Our house is small, and in the city, and cheap. Our mortgage is less than some of my friend's rents. We don't live extravegantly, we don't take vacations, but we have non-credit card debt. So we are stuck.

I keep telling myself that the imporant thing is that he is loved, fed, clothed, stimulated, and clean. And it ultimately doesn't matter if it is me, hubby, or mom doing it. But selfishly, I want it to be ME!! I LOVe the little things that I can do to make him laugh. If someone else copies it, he will smile, but only laugh when I do it. I'm so scared that when I switch to full time work the following will happen:
1- my milk supply will dry up.
2- we will lose our special bond. I mean, he was in my tummy for 9 months, and now I only get to see him (awake) for an hour or two a day?! WTH? Will he be more attached to those he sees more?
3- I will miss all of his firsts.

I think once I get into it, and begin to realize that I'm still special to him and he still loves me and we still have a bond then it will be easier to adjust to. I just have to redefine for myself what it means to be a mommy. I'll work on that and get back to you.

The big catch up

So wow! I've been MIA for awhile, huh?

So much to say, and it will take me about a million posts to catch up, but here is the basics:

The Baby: Its a BOY!! Whoda thunk? 8lb 6oz, 20 inches delivered vag.inally on 8/7/09 after 18 hours of labor.

Birth story: The day I wrote my last post I went home feeling all crappy and uncomfortable. I kept thinking something might be happening, but was sure it was all in my head. At 8pm on the dot, something felt...different. It was a contraction that went from my belly button down to my who-who and definitely felt like SOMETHING. So my response? PANIC! I desperately was seeking distraction. So I had poor hubby helping me with these little projects, and then I called my mom and walked around. Did it hurt? eh. I mean, I would stop walking and breathe when I had a contraction, but I could talk through them. It was like having bad cramps while being squeezed really tight. And my lower back hurt, like a normal back ache. Then I went to the bathroom, and noticed a little pink. Now I KNEW something was happening! I tried to time them, but they would last 30-60 sec, every 2 minutes. And my back hurt the whole time so it was hard to tell when they started and stopped since they weren't that strong. Since I had been up since 4am, hubby suggested that we go to bed and get rest just in case it WAS the real thing. so I made sure I was all packed up and organized and went to bed. TOTALLY couldn't sleep. And TOTALLY couldn't' get the hang of timing these things. NOTHING was like we practiced or were told in birth class. So I practiced my vas breathing from yoga, and focused on being calm. At 2 am I decided I wanted someone to confirm that everything was okay, so I wake up the hubby and called the doctor. Off we went to the hospital! On the 15 min drive I had 2 contractions, and was like, "what the heck?!" I was so scared that they would send me home and it was all a false alarm. I didn't want to be THAT girl. So we check in, and wait, and go to triage. They have me pee yet there is no toilet paper and no paper towels in the bathroom. Sweet. Of course, we totally forgot the paper that said I did not have strep B, and of course the doctor on call wasn't MY doctor. So that was fun trying to figure that out. They monitored my contractions and initially told me that I was having regular contractions, but I needed to be dilated more, so they would let me walk around for an hour or two and then recheck to see if I was up to 3cm. But then the doctor decided my blood pressure was too high (probably because I was so nervous!) so they decided to admit me instead. Whoohoo! We move into the labor room, and I get changed and settle in and watch animal planet while breathing through contractions and holding hubby's hand. And eating ice chips, which are way bigger than I thought they would be. I was SO thirsty! They brought in a bag of pitocin and I was like, WHAT?! Hubby said I didn't have to have anything I didn't want, so I told them that since I was progressing normally, I would like to wait and see what happened before adding intervention. I was 3ish cm at the time and was progressing about a cm an hour so there was no reason to speed it up. Then my parents arrived. My Dad did stay in the room with me and was better at it than I thought he would be. When my doctor came on duty, she said we should break my water and do some pitocin and see what happened. I told her fine, and could I please have an epidural. That's right, I totally caved. I was watching the monitor during contractions and would think, "Wow that was a big one" and realize that it was only up to 40, and they would get to 150+. So yeah, epidural. And then they broke my water. IT felt icky. warm and wet and everywhere! And THEN it hurt. Oh lordie, did it hurt. I had to hold 2 hands (hubby and mom) and really focus on my breathing. After an hour of that the dr came in to do the epidural. It wasn't comfortable, especially since he had to do it twice, but AHHHHHH..... sweet relief! The pain didn't go away entirely, but was brought back down to where it started. which was good. Also, my doctor was able to check me more vigorously. I learned the baby was head down and facing to the right. I received the epidural 14 hours after my first contraction at 8pm. so it was now 10am and I was about 4/5 cm. They anticipated I would deliver at about 4pm. Well, after chilling for a couple hours, I started having pain. It was like someone took a paper towel tube and shoved it next to my belly button and filled it with pain, so it reached from back to front. When the anaesthesiologist came in to check on me I explained how the epidural seemed to have missed a spot. He asked have I ever experienced that pain before and I was like, uh... no! He explained that the epidural only numbs from the belly button down, so any pain above that will still be felt, but the pain I was describing wasn't my contractions... it was my gall bladder! I had a foot in my gall bladder! During this conversation I started to get VERY hot and VERY nauseous and couldn't concentrate. I just said to DH, something is wrong, something is VERY wrong, get the nurse! My nurse was on lunch (it was only a 12:30pm) and so the nurse on duty came to check me. Apparently, I had managed to go 5 cm in 2 hours! opps. It was time to push! At that exact moment, my in laws arrived. I couldn't imagine worse timing. DH ushered everyone out of the room while I laid on my side and panted. Of all that I experienced THIS was the worst pain! I couldn't get away from it. I had DH put all his weight on my back to push the foot out of the gall bladder and that helped some, but wow! When my nurse came in I got to start pushing. Every push was a push to get the foot OFF my gallbladder. I kept seeing DH peeking which he said he wouldn't, and finally when the nurse said she could see a little of the head, I HAD to have the mirror. With the mirror I was able to push better since I could see what was happening and was so excited to meet the baby! But WOW pushing is hard work! I felt like my muscles were going to explode and my eyes were going to pop out of my head! As the baby came down, he was turning the right direction, which was cool. (and yes, I totally pooped. But I didn't care. My nurse was so amazing. even with the mirror, I never saw a thing.) My Doctor came in when I was almost there and informed me that because I had meconium staining, the NICU would have to be present to suction out the baby. She didn't want to hand it to me right away since it would need to be suctioned to prevent infection. While I was disappointed, I wanted to have a healthy baby so I agreed. Then I pushed and pushed. I managed to get that kid out in 1 hour! In fact, I did such a good job pushing the NICU people had to run to get there on time. This scared the crap out of my mom who didn't know what was happening (she was in the lobby with everyone else. I wanted no one but hubby to see what was happening) and didn't know why everyone was running into my room. But after 1 big push, the head was out!! And it cried!! Holy crap! Sure, you know there is a baby inside you, but to see that you KNOW there is a BABY inside you! I closed my eyes to focus on the final pushes. Hubby didn't. Poor hubby. All he saw was tons of red fluid, and he quickly looked at me because he couldn't believe anyone could loose that much blood and live. I just remember hearing this LOUD cry, and watching all these people crowded around a very angry baby. He was punching the air and they thought that was hysterical. His score was 9/9. He was so pink he was red! And all I could think was... umm... where's my little girl? Wasn't I having a girl? This kid is super cute... when are his parent's coming to get him? It was such a strange disconnect to think that this little being I was holding in my arms was the same little guy that had been kicking me. It was so surreal! but he was beautiful. Absolutely perfect. he didn't even have a conehead! This is probably why I had a nasty 3rd degree tear!

So I got to try to nurse the little guy, with some success, and then people came in and we played 'pass the baby.' Then they took the baby to the nursery for a bath (dh went with him) while I was packed up and shipped off to my room. My aunt was there and managed to get me a 'good' room which was beautiful! And I was exhausted, but there were still about 6 hours left of visiting hours. I had so many drugs in me, and so much adrenaline in me that I didn't' care. They brought me the baby every two hours to nurse, and I got to order off the room service menu. What was super cool was my brother actually managed to get a flight into MD that night! The next 2 days were awesome, and relaxing, and filled with pain killers, and nurses, and visitors, and room service, and a super cute baby that they let me take home!! DH was so ready to leave the hospital, but I wasn't. I could have stayed forever. I liked that I had help feeding the baby, and at night they would take him away so I could sleep (for 2 hours) and brought me drugs, and ice packs. And I could sit in my comfy bed while people milled about. And it was so nice seeing my brother hold a newborn for the first time.

Then we went home. Oh lordie, recovery was a b*tch! I hurt everywhere, breastfeeding was SO HARD without a lactation consultant standing over your shoulder! I had to use a ni*pple shield to help get a good latch because my tissue was so dense that the little guy couldn't connect. And we had to supplement at the b*reast with formula in a syringe to make sure he got enough calories... and he STILL lost weight. And meanwhile, I couldn't poop. This was the bane of my existence. The painkillers caused me to get all backed up, and my muscles didn't work anymore so I couldn't get anything out. Oh I did desperate things. Finally, it happened and it was wonderful! Of course, now I have a horrendous 'roid which makes pooping still incredibly uncomfy. Sigh. But I survived. Eventually, I stopped feeling like I got punched in the stomach repeatedly, I could walk and sit without discomfort, I survived lots of mastitis, and now baby boy and I are awesome breas*tfeeders. He's getting bigger and cuter every day! I'm loving being a mom!!

I'm also back on the pill. Its weird, after trying so long to get pregnant, to be back to trying NOT to get pregnant! We plan on trying again soon, but don't want to get pregnant NOW. maybe in April/May. Its just too much fun getting to know our little one... who doesn't sleep. but more on that in a later post!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Another day another doctor's apt

So today is my first due date, if you calculate based on LMP. Saturday is the date if you calculate based on US and ovulation. Tommorrow is my last day of work.

That's right, I officially decided and declared that I will start my maternity leave 'on time' even if the baby isn't. After waking up at 4am and not being able to get back to sleep I am done. Yesterday I was running on a good night sleep and felt GREAT! But today... not so much.

At the doctor I officially flipped into big numbers... and gained 2 lbs. :( I'm now 201. Epp! (I'm 5'10" so I carry it well, but that's a 51lb weight gain!!) The baby is measuring about 40cm, and I'm still 80%effaced, -2 station, and 1cm dialated. Oh, and the baby is probally over 8lbs. So I asked what the policy was for going past my due date. (My mom's first child was born via induction 14 days after her due date!!) Doc said that she would only let someone go that long if they weren't ready to be induced, in that there was a medical reason why they couldn't be induced, or they were still sealed up tight. She said I'm in a good place and can be induced whenever I want to be, and did I want to be induced next week. And I teared up. Why? Who knows. I guess because 1) I don't want to have to choose and 2) after trying so long to get pregnant and stay pregnant it feels weird to try to NOT be pregnant and 3) because I'm scared sh*tless about being a mom. I mean, WOAH! I've nEvEr done anything this big or permenant in my life before. So I said I'm okay with being induced... at the END of the week. I want to give this little bean a chance to get out on its own. So I have an appt for a check up next Friday, and a tentative induction date for the 17th. It feels good to have an end in sight and I REALLY hope it doesn't even become an issue. I would love love LOVE to go into labor (tonight) this weekend. I've been crampy and contractiony and everything. I'm just ready.

And I can't sleep because I feel like a kid before christmas. I'm just so excited!!

I was talking to my Dad about being worried about being home because, well, newborns are kinda boring. He said not when they are your own. He said that first week all you can do is stare at this little creature in amazement that it is a part of you and you made it. After the first week, he said it gets a little routine and the novelty wears off, but still not boring. I thought that was so cute and made me feel very loved. I can't wait for him to hold his grandbaby!!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I am done...

Done da done done DONE!
Seriously, I'd like to wrap this up now.
Get out get out get out.
I am over it. Kaput. Fine.
Hasta luego.
And its only 39 weeks 3 days (4 days to go.)

But apparently the "40 weeks" theory is based on theory of 10 lunar months and dates back to the bible. A more accurate due date would be to take your LMP date, minus 3 months and add 15 days. That would bring me to the 12th. Or, based on a 1st trimester ultrasound, you would add 7 days. That would bring me to the 15th. Meanwhile, my friend who was due on the 3rd had her baby on the 2nd.

Lets just take a second to note that I am HAPPY that I made it this far, and am thrilled that everything is healthy and moving like it should.

I would just like to be done please thank you very much.

The baby feels HUGE, kicking me in both my sternum (not even just the ribs!) and my cervix at the same time. I drive over a bump in the road, and it burns. I lean forward at the computer and it hurts. I lie on the couch and my hips cramp up. I try to sleep and I wake up to pee every 2 hours. This is supposed to be my last week of work before leave and I DON'T want to have to come back in on Monday. I want to meet my baby, know that s/he is healthy and know if it is a she or a he. Everything is DONE and ready for the baby, both at home and at work, so I'm bored.

But there are worse places to be. I'll take what I can get. I just wish I knew when it would be over and what the outcome would be. But I guess that takes all the 'fun' out of things, right?


Thursday, July 30, 2009

38w5d...9 days to go!

Today I had a Drs appnt with a new doctor because my regular doctor was on vacation. Wasn't bad. Baby is still head down, I'm measuring fine, I gained 0 pounds so I'm holding steady at 199. I'm still only 1 cm but I'm more like 80% effaced! I'm also so tired I could cry. The baby is kicking pretty regularly and the doctor estimates the baby is over 7lbs!! There is a full grown baby rumbling around in there!! How crazy is that?!

Today our DVR reciever broke. :( I'm mourning the loss of the shows I had taped that I haven't gotten to watch. And the 2 days we will be without TV. Double :(

Last night my mom came over for her birthday. It was a lot of fun! I always have a good time hanging out with my mom and I'm excited for her to become a grandmom.

Did I mention how tired I am? sigh. Its only going to get worse when the baby comes so I guess I got to suck it up.

I watched "16 and pregnant" on Mt.v during lunch. Its so funny to get the teenage perspective on where I'm at. I couldn't have handled this at 16. I also wasn't having s.x at 16 because I knew I couldn't handle this. My cuz who is going to be a single mom in January is older than them, but still... when you are not actively trying to NOT get pregnant, and then you do, you can't say its an 'accident.' An 'accident' is where you are wearing 2, are on the pill, and withdrawling. Otherwise its just nature. "oh, I didn't use any protection and now I'm pregnant. How did that happen?" Seriously? I could slap each and every one of them. Except for the one that gave her baby up for adoption. She deserves extra hugs. That has got to be SUCH a hard thing to do, and I totally admire her for doing it . There are so many people that would LOVE to adopt a baby, and can offer more than a 16 year old mom can. Her and her bf deserve major major props. I was sobbing watching her story, it was so beautiful. G-d bless her.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I see the light at the end of the tunnel...

So my last doctor's appointment was WAY more comfortable than the one before. Whew! I read a great reccomendation on the BBcntr community boards suggesting to put your fists under your hips to raise them just enough to allow the dr better access to your cervix. Sure, it wasn't a party but it didn't make me scream. And the good news? I'm 50% effaced and 1cm dialated! I also only gained 1lb! Good stuff. And now my dr is on vaca until Aug 3, so I REALLY hope I don't go into labor before then. I still have an appointment this week but with someone else. We'll see how that goes.

This weekend we got SO much done! We are almost 100% packed for the hospital, and the car's are clean and car seat's installed. The house is put together but needs to be a little more organized. I have piles of stuff that need to go in other places. Not too bad, but moving stuff is a LOT of work right now. Too many stairs! Still, I feel pretty good that we are where we should be.

Its kinda sad to think I am near the end. I mean, it took so long to get pregnant, and then after all the fears of staying pregnant, to be at the point where I soon won't be pregnant anymore is weird. It feels vaugley... empty. I mean, right now I have this super special time with my little one. I get to spend all day with the baby, playing with its little 'feet' and talking to it, and do so all by myself. Soon, I'm going to have to share. And its a lot harder to ignore a baby that is not internal. Pregnancy is the ultimate multi-tasking... I can take care of the baby and myself at the same time! And I am terrified of labor. I have no idea what to expect, and THAT is what scares me. But I'm ready to be done. I'm swollen and uncomfortable and tired and anxious to meet my baby.

Meanwhile, at work...

Ugh. I'm ready to be done here too! I wish I didn't have to come back after the baby is born. I'm so tired of some of my coworkers. I mean, I appreciate that they are stepping up to filling in for me (because the boss is making them) but some are way better than others. I have 2 that take it in stride, do what they can, and move on. But there is this one.... ugh. She is so fricking PANICKED it is annoying. I mean, one is awesome! She just steps on in and does what needs to be done, and figures that if something gets dropped, it gets dropped but she'll do the best she can. GREAT attitude, and SO helpful!! The panicky one has to write lists dividing up our duties, sends me all employer stuff, refuses to answer questions or take responsibility etc. She is making it hard for me to decide what is best for me and the baby because I have to take care of her too. And she's significantly older than me! What a pain.

Currently, I don't think I'm going to go past my due date, but we shall see. I've had some bad menstrual cramp like feelings that come and go, and some diareha, and some pelvic pressure, and my heartburn is much much less. All signs of immenent labor? Perhaps...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Coming down the home stretch

I'm now at the 'weekly' doctor appointment stage, and get to enjoy the thrill of 'pants off' visits. My OB has very short fingers, and being a tall thin woman I have tall thin lady parts. Well, this requires my short OB with her short fingers to practically use her whole arm to do a cervical check and this hurts like a son-of-a-gun!! And the best part? I tore. Well crap. If I can't get through a cervical check without pain and tearing then I'm thinking that delivery may suck. I really want to try natural, but I am totally open to changing my mind.

So the baby is measuring fine, my cervix is appropriatly mushy, no dialation yet, and I've gained 4 lbs in 1 week. About 95% of that is pure water. You should see my feet!! Its amazing that they don't pop!! Otherwise, the baby is moving like crazy (almost painfully so) and I'm too tired to function. I feel awful that hubby is taking on so many of the household chores, but I am SO grateful. He is the best.

The nursery is almost together and now I have to go through the shower gifts and organize them, etc. The problem is I'm am still so scared of jinxing things! I'm terrified that after all of this I won't get to come home with a baby. I know that cutting a tag off a onesie isn't going to effect my birth outcome, but it almost seems too optimistic. It still seems unreal.

I feel so lucky, and so blessed to be in this situation. I can't wait to meet the little one and not be kicked in the ribs anymore, though it will be weird not to be pregnant anymore. We are trying to do back to back babies since our RE said that is our best chance for a sibling, so god willing, I won't be 'unpregnant' for too long! Then I can start worrying about secondary IF. I'd probally be willing to try for a break between babies if I wasn't so worried about not being able to have more.

So one step at a time...

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Another shower!!

So last weekend we were planning on going to PA for DH's best friend's bday. We go up after our infant care class on Saturday, and hang out with SIL and family that night. The next day we go to church with DH's BF and then all go swimming. After that we were going to swing by MIL's for some lunch and to get the gift she had for us. It all seemed so unplanned, so spur of the moment, so casual... all very DH and all very normal.

Well we get to MIL's house and there was a balloon on the mail box. Okay, I thought, and gee, there are a lot of cars here, that's odd. And why are there all those people holding balloons in the backyard? Wait a minute... Its a shower!!

Everyone was like, "are you surprised?" and I was like, "surprised?! I had NO IDEA! It never occured to me to even be suspicious!" They were like, didn't you think it odd that no PA people came to your shower? And I was like, I figured you were busy and its a long drive. It was fun. My friends from NJ were there which was AWESOME! I got nice gifts, and tons of food, and got to see people from MIL's family that I dont' see very often. And our PA friends brought their babies, which made opening gifts even more interesting since I got to see baby's reactions. All very cool.

Still feeling okay... baby is kicking like CRAZY! and I have this shooting pain in my back, as in it is hard to breathe. I am so bored at work, and have so much to do but am so totally procrastinating. I have a plan to have it all done in the next week or two, so we should be fine. I met up with a friend who is due a few days (6) before me. It is so funny looking at the picture! She is carrying kinda flat and I'm all sticky-outtie. My mom saw it and said it looks like she's having a girl and I'm having a boy. I'm actually starting to lean toward team blue now. up until recently, I was convinced it was a girl... then I was iffy... and now I'm pretty sure its a boy. But we'll find out in 5 weeks and 2 days. At first I was afraid I would be dissappointed if it was a boy, but after playing with the babies in PA (all boys) , I think I will be fine. DH says our next one will be a girl. I said if not then I'm going for 3!! I really want (at least) one of each. But baby seems healthy, and other than being swollen and tired the pregnancy isn't so bad. I wish I had more energy to get all I have to get done, done. But I do feel motivated for the at home stuff. Today I'm going to go straight home from work and clean up the house a little. SIL & BIL are coming down on Friday to help with the nursery, and I already warned them the house will not be clean, but I don't want it to be downright slovenly! There are some easy things to do. The problem is I could really use DH's help is carrying things downstairs but he is working tonight and as softball tommorrow. So lots of small trips...

I really REALLY can't wait to meet this baby!! We met with a pediatrician today who seems great, so once the nursery is together I'll be good to go!

Monday, June 22, 2009

I was right...

It WAS a shower! And a very nice shower at that!

I was getting stuff done in the AM and then DH and I were going to leave early for the party in order to stop at the Depot and get the paint. So we're puttering around the store and I realize, "Gosh! The party starts in 10 minutes!!" So we rush on our way and I'm thinking the whole time, "is it, or isn't it?" Then I get lost and call my Dad (who is supposed to be there) and hear voices in the background so I assume he is at the party. I also thought I heard my Grandfather's voice, so I'm like, 'okay, not a shower.' Then we get there, and I see my cousin's husband getting drinks from a car so I'm like, 'okay, so totally not a shower since if it was, why on earth would he be here?' Then I walk in and "SURPRISE!" it WAS a shower!! And I had so many friends there!! I got some nice gifts (though many people decided not to even bother with the registry) and we played games and ate food and had a really nice time. :-) I was very very happy. I cried. What a nice memory!

That night we took my Dad to the movies for Father's Day, and the next day my parents came over and we got SOOOO much done and have SOOOO much left to do! And now I have to add Thank you's to the list! And go shopping! But the house is starting to look... well, its trashed, but it has potential. The bathroom looks AWESOME, some minor problems are fixed and I will soon have a clothes line.

Baby is moving lots and I have an OB appointment today. I was panicking all weekend about the baby. I read stories online of people who lost the baby during full term delivery and that scared me. Then I realized, there are a LOT of people in this world, which is because MOST people are just fine. I think my odds of a loss are less than 5%. Thems good odds! I want to get the projects done these next few weeks, so I can put the nursery together over 4th of July. Then I can start on laundry and packing for the hospital and shopping. We can do it!!

Still, it was a very nice baby shower! Full of flowers and cake and super nice people!!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I am SOOOO ready...

To lose weight!

I'm a person that likes seeing progress... and I'm also a horrific procrastinator. These things often work against each other. I am slowly slipping into a 'nesting' phase (I think) because I've gotten quite good at getting things done at home. The problem is I've also gotten busy with the summer plans which limits my time to get stuff done. So here is my schedule:

Tonight - Buy food, cook dinner. Clean radiator and tape tarp.
Friday - Buy food, cook dinner. Spray paint radiator. Choose paint color. Make shopping list for home improvement store.
Saturday - Prep bathroom for painting. Buy paint. By 2pm go to Grandfather's day celebration. (which I think may be a baby shower...) Take Dad out to movies.
Sunday - Family power day!!

On Sunday, my parents are coming over to help get stuff done around the house. What I hope to accomplish:

Paint Bathroom (mom)
Sew bathroom curtains (me)
Finish dining room curtains (me)
Finish nursery curtains (me)
Paint and install quarter round molding (Dad & DH)
Pain and install crown molding around closets in nursery (Dad & DH). We have these Ikea closets that I'd like to make look like built-ins which I think can be accomplished with crown molding. We will have to see.
Purchase needed stuff at the local home improvement store (storage bins, light blocking shades, etc.)
Rearrange furniture.
Fix drawers in dresser (this may be a fantasy)
Hang pictures (in nursery and other rooms.)
Hang shades/curtains.
Hang clothesline.

I think that may be enough for one day. Then I'll make a nice dinner (or get some nice takeout) for all involved.

During the week, I want to make the faux stained glass panels for the living room, and try to get my grandfather to frame them for me. Once they are done, my mom can come over and help design carpets for the downstairs. Hopefully, we can get them installed before the baby comes.

The next weekend, we will be in PA all weekend and attending an infant care class. After that it is the 4th of July where we may or may not have overnight guests. If we do, then they will be able to help us finish up the nursery. Then I get to purchase and pack my hospital supplies, just in case.

After that, I think it may just be laundry and keeping the hosue clean. I want to go to 'Let's Dish' and make some meals to freeze for when the baby comes. Meanwhile, at work, I'll be finishing up the fall events.

I'm starting to feel a little bit stressed.

What if the baby comes early? I'll be so unprepared!

But meanwhile, I'm looking forward to being able to start working on my body; to get back into pants with zippers. I hope my feet go back so I don't have to buy new shoes. I'd rather put the money towards the baby.

Also, if this weekend ISN'T my shower, then 4th of July I'll be hitting the stores. Screw this whole "wait and see" stuff. If it is my shower then I'm going to feel kinda bad because I suspect. Really, for no other reason then I would have no idea when else they would do it!

Life is getting awfully complicated...

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Last Baby-Free Vacation

This past weekend was my 10-year college reunion... and it was more wonderful than I ever thought possible!

Friday: Drove up to UofS, checked into hotel, and went to one of our old haunts for some amazing pizza. Then we walked around a little, visiting the porch of my DH's house where we met. Afterwards, we went to the 'piano bar' event in the new student center. On walking into the building I totally recognized someone!! And she recognized me too! Crazy. We kept snowballing into more people until we had this awesome group of 1999-ers together. And so many baby bellies! If I was still dealing with IF at the reunion it would have kinda sucked. I do wish I could have taken the belly off for the weekend because there were open bars EVERYWHERE! Oh well. I think I would have had less fun ultimately if I had been able to drink since I would have been miserably hung over all weekend. Anyhoo, that night, after the piano bar in the new student center we went to a bar where a band that was made up of people from our class was having a reunion show. Of course the bar we went to used to be a little hole in the wall with the best cheese fries, and now it was an actual BAR! There we ran into even more people and I saw some guys I used to know. I didn't really feel like talking to them since I was no longer all young and hot. And we weren't very good friends anyway. I did see a flash of recognizition in some of their eyes, and that was good. But we didn't stay long because I was so tired and got back to the hotel by midnight where I promptly passed out.

Saturday: Grabbed a bite to eat and then hit the campus tour. So much has changed!! After the 'offical'tour, DH and I took our own, seeing the sites that we wanted to see and took pictures. Oh, and went to the bookstore and bought shirts for the two of us and a onesie for the baby. Then we went to the resturaunt where we had our first 'date' 10 years ago. It was fantastic. Just tooling around downtown, eatting ice cream and marveling about the changes in the city. That night we went to our class dinner and had a great time. I got lots of pictures of people, and really had a good time. Once we got past the 'so, what have you been up to' convo's we were able to talk just like old friends. That night there was a dance on the patio, which was a blast, though challenging to dance with the big ole belly. Then we went to the bar that we used to frequent 'back in the day'. My goodness it was hot and crowded!! I couldn't stand it!! And the smoking! Ugh! People kept bumping into me and the belly and I just couldn't take it. DH noticed it and so we quickly left. I'm glad I went though.

Sunday: We went to mass at the campus chapel and I forgot how AWEOMSE it was! I mean, the whole thing took 40 mins. That is half of what a service is at our current church. Afterwards, we went to brunch with our friends and had some last memories, and exchanged info. So nice. Really, I'm so glad I went.

Monday: After walking up hills all weekend, I knew I had no excuse to not do things around the house. LOL, DH had to actually keep one hand behind my back to help push me up the hills, but still, I did it. So I cleaned the whole house. It. looks. AWESOME! This weekend my parents are coming over to help with some last minute projects, and I have a lot of prep to do to get ready for that, but at least the house is clean. At the end of this weekend we should be in a really good place, and will just have to finish getting the nursery together, which should happen over the fourth of July. By July 8th, I want to be ready for the baby to come. I'll be 36 weeks, and ready to relax. Well, except for work. I won't be done with that until July 24th. So if I go early then they are screwed! By July 27th (after the weekend) I'll be in a good place to just start 'helping' at work and not taking point on anything. The fall semester is going to kinda be a wash since it will be all about survival. In January, I'll hit the ground running with organizing the spring events and trying to be more purposeful with other parts of my job. OR job searching. Either or...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


I am now almost 31 weeks and last night we had our first childbirth class. Kinda fun. VERY scary. But that's not the fear I'm writing about. I feel practically panicked that something is going to go wrong. Maybe its the inferile in me. I mean, you start out all, "Oh, TTC is going to be super fun! I can't wait to have a baby!" and then it turns into, "Not everyone gets a baby. Maybe I'll never get to be a mom." And I guess that's where I am now. Its so hard to feel safe that this is actually happening. Somehow I still don't feel like this is real, that I'm allowed to trust that all will work out. I mean, there are a bajillion people in the world, so obviously more babies survive, grow up and outlive their parents then don't. The odds are seriously in my favor! And my precious little one had been moving non-stop last night and this morning. I think the thunderstorm that freaked me out freaked him/her out. I just REALLY want to meet my baby. I want to know if it is a boy or girl. I want to dance with him/her in the kitchen. I want to be sleep deprived, and nurse my sleepy baby. I want to know how is kicking me like crazy. I'll do anything for a safe birth and a happy, healthy outcome.

I think this may be happening because I am so frickin tired. DH came to bed late, which woke me up to pee. And then the lightning...and the thunder... and the kicking... and then I have to come to this crappy ass job. And while I'm here, a coworker who isn't married, doesn't have kids was talking about how I could never get a compressed work schedule because if I did then she would want to have one too and they would have to offer it to her. Says who? I'm not trying to do this because I WANT to, but because I can't afford daycare! She wants to do it to have a vacation. So essentially, she will make things difficult so she can have an extra vacation day a week, selfishly taking away my oppertunity to parent my baby. I asked her does she seriously want to put in 11 hours a day? Seriously? It bothered me that my coworkers aren't supportive. I mean, I really want to work on a team, but I'm surrounded by people that are in it for themselves.

At least the rightgeous anger stops the panicky fear.

Oh, and PS! My cousin, young, unmarried, cousin accidentially got preggo with her boyfriend of <1 year. Seriously?! I'm so glad I'm pregnant and not still TTC because I think I would have LOST it. I still hate stories like that. What a crock. But, in the reality of it, DH and I want to help her because its hard thing to do. At least her parents are being super supportive!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Memorial Day

I love LOVE a three day weekend!

First, on a different note, DH talked to one of his friends who has a due date 1 month after ours. They decided that our babies will be best friends, and realized we both have the same problem. We both have 4 days a week covered and 1 day up in the air. We figured it could work out very well for us if we exchange our day. This could work out great! Of course, I would rather be home with the baby, but it can help us get through the gap.

Okay, now back to the weekend...

Friday we went to DH's home and visited with his sister and bro-in-law. Nice, easy visit except apparently the three of them are sports junkies, and feel absolutly convinced that you MUST have a child in sports before they are in school. Seriously? My parents NEVER put me in something that I didn't choose, but they are deciding what their kid should participate in. I'm not really sure he even likes sports. Personally, I HATED sports. Why aren't they pushing him into an art class, or a music class? Or just keep exposing him to stuff, and then let him choose. Apparently DH is set on his kid being in sports. I see some problems in our future. Our one saving grace in this is that we have no money to do this stuff with. The other saving grace is that DH talks a good game, but much of the activity of getting something done falls on me. And if I don't really care about it, it doesn't get done. So we shall see...

After this lively discussion, I totally had to go to bed. The problem was the guest bed was so fricking hard that I had the WORST time sleeping. Made even worse by the sounds of a 6 year old knocking on the door and trying to break into the bedroom at 5:55am. Ugh! By 8:30am we were up and going to his baseball game. It was SO hot and SO boring. I mean, it could have been worse in both areas, but it was 80+ outside with no shade, and they pitch until the kid hits the ball, so the game doesn't really move. They don't keep score, there is no competition, they don't really teach the fundementals of hitting, just of fielding, which no one gets to practice because they are waiting around for a kid to FINALLY get a hit. Afterwards we went back to sister's house, and had a nice lunch while the kids ran around and squirted each other. DH totally jumped in the fun, but I was so hot and so tired which = SO CRANKY. We went in to the hot hot house and I laid down on the couch while everyone else went to do something for themselves. Just me and the nephew. I just wanted to drift off but he would see that my eyes were closed and would wake me up!! I know he jsut wanted to spend time with me and would have been happy to play with me but I was SO hot and SO tired. Finally DH came down and I was free to go and get a nap. When it was time to get up, nephew came in to wake me. I told DH he set a boy to do a man's job, and DH said he never sent him in! The little stinker!

We went to a BBQ that night at a friend's house and it was fun. Everyone who had babies last year (remember those 4 that totally depressed me?) brought their babies with them. It definetly creates a different kind of party! They were all so cute! I was in MUCH better spirits this time around that I was pregnant.

Sunday we hung out with the MIL, and then went to my parents house for their BBQ. And Sunday night I had a minor breakdown because I was so fat and so hot and so unhappy and I forgot things at my mom's house, etc etc. But the next day I felt SOOO much better. I just really needed a good nights sleep.

Monday my mom came over to help plant and weed my gardens for me (since the neighborhood cats like to pee in them.) and then I started organizing the office. Got a lot done and have a LOT to go! But at least I started.

And now on to a 4 day work week with a free Saturday to look forward to. I'm thinking if I don't go to the gym I can get more done at home. BUT if I don't go to the gym I'll get even fatter. Its a lose lose situation I'm afraid.

And I wouldn't change it for anything...

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

What to do?

So I met with my boss yesterday and finally got up the nerve to ask if I could work 4 10-hour days. I presented the benefits to the office, and how there would be no harm and got a "don't get your hopes up" response. He will talk to the VP and AVP and OHR to see what their thoughts are and I can only hope he makes a convincing argument. All I know, is that if he doesn't, and my request is denied, then I am royally screwed. My mom is generously arranging her schedule to cover 3 days a week, and hubby is arranging his schedule to cover 1 day a week, and I just don't know what to do for that other day. We could afford a babysitter at $8 an hour for one day a week, but who in their right mind would do that? Heck, even the local labour center for undocumented workers charges $10! We can't afford $10!

I ran the numbers:

Our bills (Mortgage - 1295, BGE - 200, Student loans - 530, credit card - 200, fica payback - 100, car payment - 350, insurance - 220, cell phone - 70, water bill - 25)
total: 2992 (keeping in mind that the mortgage will go up around the same time the credit card and fica are paid off.)

Bills that can be cut (ezpass - 45, gym - 50, verizon - 183)
total: 278

Food (817)
& Gas (120)

This is a total of 4207 a month for just the two of us, and not including savings, or medical expenses, or vet bills or any of that.

Each month our combined income is 4487 on average. that means we have 280 to use for everything else. That would barely cover a sitter at 8 an hour for one day a week as long as nothing else changes.

oh it makes my stomach hurt. I mean, right now we're not doing too bad. We manage to save a little each month (about 200) and we both contribute to 401Ks pretax. I can probally sign up for a flex spending plan to cover the bbsitter pretax.

Hubby was super pissed when I told him that I probally won't be able to get a flexible schedule. I mean, in this day and age of work/life balance, it really sucks when a college won't allow their employee to arrange their schedule differently. And I can't look for a job because I'm a wee bit knocked up right now, so I'm stuck. His thought is to just bring the baby to work with me. Ugh. I have no idea what to do...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

First 'family' vacation

This weekend we went to Willamsburg for a nice little weekend away. It was me, DH, and my parents. We stayed in one of those timeshare thingies, so we had to sit through an absolutly fahbulous presentation, but in the end, the 90 minutes of torture were worth the awesome weekend. Besides how cool the town is, it was just fun hanging out with hubby, and spending time with my parents. Loved it. We took lots of pictures so we can show the baby that s/he was there. On a pregnancy related note... boy can I swell! My ankles and hands were crazy!Apparently bacon is not so good. Neither is heat and humidity. But swimming...swimming is AWESOME! Totally took the swelling down. And it felt so good. Baby kicked like crazy the whole weekend, especially during the loooonnnnggg car ride. Yay baby!

Today at work I got my first baby shower! It was so nice and such an awesome surprise. At one point I started freaking out because this is all becoming so real. I mean, for the longest time, the focus was on getting pregnant, then staying pregnant, then being pregnant... and in 3 months it will end and I'll have a baby! That is so surreal. I need to really get cracking at getting stuff done! I mean, I now have about 10 onesies, but I need 20 something of them in different sizes!! Babys need so much stuff! And wow, is it getting expensive! And that's with collecting giveaways from friends. I think we are about to have too much furniture, and still need a stroller, but should be good in many ways. Once we have the nursery put together then we can begin filling it. But wow, time is flying!

I signed up for childbirth classes today. The next few months are going to be FULL of stuff after work. I'm already starting to feel like a parent....

So a happy belated mother's day to all of us. Even if we don't have a child yet, it doesn't mean we are less of a mother. Going through IF and hitting mother's day would always make me sad, but I would choose to celebrate the nurturing energy within me, and the mother that someday I would be.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Feeling Blessed...

And in pain. But mostly blessed.

Yesterday I would have moments of panic, about losing the baby. Luckily, at week 27th there is a good chance that even if we needed to birth the baby now, it would survive. But then you think about the umbillical cord around its neck, trauma to the uterus, bizarre medical issues, etc.

So I google the odds of a healthy baby, and guess what? The odds of this kid growing up and outliving me are TOTALLY in my favor.

But then I go to an awards ceremony last night, and someone wants to get past me (even though there were LOTS of places to sit where she doesn't need to crawl over an obviously pregnant woman) and not thinking I pick up my legs, and pull them into my chest. I should have just slid my legs to the side, but noooo.... I had to go thinking that I was all skinny and stuff. And that's when the cramping happened. Now I don't know if it was contractions, or growing pains or what, but it felt a lot like menstual cramps that would come... and go.... and come....and come..... and go... I didn't like it one bit so I went home, took a shower, and focused my mind on something else while resting on the couch. Then I went to bed early. I'm feeling much better today and baby is bouncing around.

Of course, I'm running on little sleep thanks to the incredible pain in my hips and calf all night long. I just can't get comfortable! And the thunderstorm didn't help much either. Yoga is tonight and that normally makes me feel so much better. And tommorrow we go on vacation to Williamsburg. Yay!

But about the feeling blessed. I was reading a post on a blog about an older mother trying to concieve and just lost their baby. And all I can think is, thank you G-d. We were able to concieve 'naturally' (well, following surgery), and have had a healthy pregnancy so far. (knock on wood) I'm so scared about losing this baby because I love it so much. And I've been so scared to get ready for the baby because I'm so scared of jynxing myself. It still all feels too good to be true! I'm really getting excited about giving my baby a big hug and a kiss, and can't wait for the crazy upsidedownedness of being a new mom.

In yoga, we do this meditation where we are breathing out healing energy to all the moms giving birth. Secretly, I choose to channel my healing energy to all the moms that have yet to concieve and carry to term. I think they need it more.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Feeling trapped

First a disclaimer...

I'm thrilled to be pregnant. I can't wait to have this baby.

Now the bee in my bonnent:

I just had my performance evaluation today and I am so confused. The actual written evaluation was not too shabby, but my boss started with how there were two issues that need to be addressed because of complaints. Umm....what? Essentially, it was one complaint: that members of the staff didn't feel that they were able to have their opinions heard about the events and I've been doing it without their involvement. Yes.... because my job is to be the event coordinator. My whole purpose for being in this office is to plan events. My job description is to plan events. My events have been spot on, gaining me kudos from other on campus departments, employers, students, etc. People talk about how coming to our job fairs are so much better than other schools in the area. And my boss admits that I do a good job at the fairs. So.... what's the problem? Well, other staff want to have a say in how the events are marketed, and he wants me to have to go through a newly created in office marketing committee. Fine. I suggested why doesnt' the committee just take responsibility for marketing the events because then I can focus on other, more interesting aspects of my job. Then they get to see how fun it is to have to try to get people to show up. And if they want to have more say in the emplyoers that attend, then why doesn't the employer relations coordintor stop mucking about and actually relate to employers so we can get a more diverse mix. By the end of the whole thing, what I realized is he got in trouble with his boss for complaints that other staff members have made to his boss, so his boss told him we need to be more of a team. So instead of taking that as something HE needs to work on, he blames me (and other staff members who had similar words show up in their evals) for not being more of a team player. Trust me, I WANT to be a team player, but the staff sucks. Not all of them, just half. They are mean, backstabbing, unproffessional women who don't want to "offer an opinion", they want to tell you what to do because they are automatically right and therefore you are wrong. I am so fricking frustrated.

So I look at other jobs, and find a couple that look promising... but I'm 6 months pregnant. I can't fit into any suits, including the maternity suit jacket that I recently bought! How can I interview? Who will hire a woman who is a breath away from materinity leave? I'm not eligable for FMLA unless I'm employed for a year so I can't do a damn thing about anything. I just have to suck it up and deal. I wish I didn't have to work once the baby was born. I wish I could throw myself into creating a great home for my family, and being a wonderful wife and mother. But no. We need the money to pay the student loans. So here I am, totally impot*nt and stuck dealing with these shitty people and their passive aggressive ideas.

What I wouldn't give for a good boss...

Friday, April 17, 2009

How I miss breathing...

I swear, this kid is all up in my lungs! I'm now 24/25 weeks, have a 'cute' bump that gets bigger everyday, and a baby that loves to kick off my bladder and head butt my diaphram. I was in prenatal Yoga last night, and the breathing exercises were challenging because I couldn't get a full breath. Can't wait until doctor's appointment in two weeks to see if I'm normal. Between this, the hip pain, the tailbone pain (associated with the hips), and the lack of sleep (due to pain and pee) I'm thinking the 2nd trimester honeymoon has ended 3 weeks early. Still, all in all its not that bad. It still surprises me sometimes that I won't be pregnant forever. For the longest time I was focused on getting pregnant and it was all consuming. Then it was staying pregnant. Now its being pregnant. I'm already thinking about getting pregnant the second time (since with the IF issues the RE told us not to wait), and trying to convince my hubby that he really wants a third baby. I think I'm getting ahead of myself. Step one is to safely have this baby. It seems so unreal! Who am I to get such a gift? Why did I get so lucky? There are so many very deserving people who are trying so hard... I truly feel blessed.

I just hope I don't screw it up.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Crazy dream

Okay, so I've had way crazier dreams, mostly involving how to dispose of dead bodies. I have never killed these bodies mind you, but I'm somehow suckered in to trying to get rid of them without getting caught. Just a little stress to work out, no biggie!

But this dream was WAY better. I dreamt that I saw the baby move, and actually saw its little hand and foot, and was then able to actually see the whole baby, and hold the baby. Keep in mind, the baby was still in my stomach, so I saw the baby covered in my skin. Sounds creepy, right? But in the dream it was beautiful. I was able to get the baby back into position without any trouble, and then was kicking myself for not checking if it was a boy or a girl. I've never really been one to get all gooshy over babies, but now I'm starting to. Very strange.

In other news, life is kindof a downer right now. I'm so tired of my job, and the job I was hoping to get was given to an internal person without ever posting it. I have so much to do and so little energy or motivation to do it. I'm so glad its Friday!!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Lets get physical

So last night hubby and I spent some frustrating time trying to watch a TV show on our computer. (Old crappy computer.) While he was messing with it, I was chilling and feeling the baby kick. Then I looked down and saw something. I dismissed it at the time, but kept my eye open. Then I saw it again! A particularly hard kick actually pushed out my belly!! I SAW the baby kick!! I laughed, and told hubby who excitedly turned to look and he saw it to!! "Was that you?" he asked. "Nope, that was the baby!" I replied.

It was a very cool moment.

Technically we are 22 weeks, but the baby has been measuring a week ahead. According to BabyCenter, in the 23 week you would start seeing the baby move, so I guess we are still a week ahead. So I guess I've started my 6th month. Woah. Time is flying!

The "talk"

This weekend we went to nephew's bday brunch. All in all a fun weekend. The birthday boy was full spoiled brat meltdown on Saturday, and for the record let me say THIS IS NOT NORMAL! He had just been celebrating his bday for a week straight and was still conviced he was the most imporant thing ever. We would be talking at dinner, and he would be SCREAMING for us to shut up because he couldn't hear the TV. Eventually his mom told him that he was not allowed to talk like that and another word would have the TV off and him in bed. My thought is they have a beautiful TV downstairs... why not just have him watch down there? He made me nervous about having kids. (He was MUCH better the next day. I'm thinking he was just tired.) His brother was sick, and super sweet. He made me feel better about having kids, except I was terrified that he would get me sick and I can't take cold medicine. The next day we visited a friend in the area with a baby (who was also sick) but is now 4-5 months old. Cutest. Thing. Ever. When I last saw the baby, he was only 1-2 months and screamed when I would hold him. Now he was much more stable, and would smile at me, and laugh at me and it was wonderful. That made me all excited again.

Then we went back to the bday brunch. You see, I have a master's degree in Women's Health. I never wanted to change my name, and take on my husband's name, and be reduced to "Mrs." I always wanted to keep my own name, whichI love. Its uncommon, but not wierd. My husband's name is VERY common. So common in fact, that it causes trouble when getting loans etc since there are so many people with the same first AND last name as him. Since our children will have rather normal names, having a common last name would be the kiss of death. So, we will hyphenate. My name is legally hyphenated, and I use my hyphenated name on everything. So will the kids. This was decided before we got married and we are all perfectly fine with it. But... hubby is the only son of an only son of an only son. So we get pulled aside by MIL and Aunt IL to have "the talk." Now I must say I was kinda waiting for it. MIL did all the talking and said "she didn't know why she cared by she just had to voice her opinion or she would reget it forever." Fine. So she voiced a whole bunch of nonsense, without any really good argument but whatever. And then she invoked DH's deceased father and that was what pushed him over the edge. All the "oh, it would have been so imporant for your dad, he would be so dissappinted, blah blah blah." Not cool. Not cool at all! Oh, and my fave line, "The whole family feels this way." Um, okay. So when she was done, I told her there was nothing wrong with expressing her opinion, but we have made up our minds and will not change the baby's name. We are a new family, and this is how we want to do it. The end.

I love our children's names and feel confident that they are right. Being questioned about my parenting decisions is really fricking annoying, especially when everything after that was all about the baby, and advice, and fear mongering, etc. I appreciated advice when I ask for it, and don't mind it in small doses, but for HOURS on end gets tedious. Ugh, what is it going to be like once the baby is actually here?!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

All the newness...of being normal

Just had another doctor's appointment. Baby has a nice strong heartbeat (147) and kept kicking the doppler! Apparently this baby is VERY active. Uterus is right where it should be (2 fingers above navel). Weight gain is right where it should be (17 pounds total so far. 10 pounds this month alone!) And no nasty things. So... apparently went from crazyreproductivesystemthatdoesn'twork to totallynormalmama. Whoda thunk?

Baby is moving like crazy. The other night I was lying in bed and felt a kick. Then another. Then another. So I quickly called DH and said I think the baby has hiccups! So he comes up stairs and puts his hand on my tummy. Of course, as is the habit, the baby stops. Just when we think all hope is lost... baby moved! DH FINALLY got to feel the baby move!! It was so cool.

Currently we're week 21/22. Other than the cramps in my legs & feet, and my total inability to stay asleep, all is normal!

Friday, March 13, 2009

I'm finally back!

I've missed blogging, but somehow my account got all screwed up and I couldn't log in! Finally, it seems to have corrected itself. Whew!

So as an update...

I KNOW I ovulated on November 14th, which was CD18. Based on that count, I am exactly 18 weeks & 6 days. When I had my 2 week sonogram, I measured EXACTLY where I thought I should be. Now I'm somehow consistently measuring a week ahead, which is basically the accurate time for when my LMP was. Crazy! So I may be at week 20. Woah.

All is healthy and happy. Can't quite tell if I'm feeling the baby or not. I've always had gastric issues (IBS etc) so I've constantly felt rumbings and flutters and guglings even when I'm not pregnant, so how should I know? I've felt a couple new things, which I'm guessing are the baby. Okay, I'm CHOOSING to believe are the baby. Hubby is jealous, since I can't feel anything externally yet.

Body is TOTALLY changing. That freaks me out the most. When I was a grad student, I would always think about how excited and open I would be to my changing body; what a beautiful thing it was. Well, that is total crap. My bbs are ca-HUGE to the point where I am wearing my SIL's nursing bras AND THEY ARE TOO SMALL! Imagine what it will be like when I start nursing?! And the belly has finally 'popped'. People are now coming up to me asking me if I'm pg. I'm out of the Bella Band (totally awesome product) and now into maternity cothes (yeah goodwill!). My back is sore, my skin is itchy, I have crazy psycho dreams, am desperate for hubby's attention, feel fat, ligaments are waddely (if that is event a word) and I'm freaked out that someday this baby is going to come out! So not ready!

But so excited.

I have a couple friends that are due within a month of me and that's really cool! How your perception changes when you're on this side of the belly! Tonight we're going out with friends who have been having some TTC issues. I had my hubby call and warn them that I was pregnant and showing so I wouldn't be a bad surprise. I remember all too well how hard it was. I did refer her to my RE and I hope she went.

In trying to be more 'mommy' like I totally cleaned the house on Monday (and called in sick to do it.) The house has been spotless for almost a week!! Fingers crossed that we can keep it up! (NOTE: When I say spotless, I basically mean I can have guests over and not have to shove things in closests. I have 2 cats so there is still hair and dirt and stuff, but nothing that I can't live with. :) I'm really not a very neat person.)

Friday, February 20, 2009

So busy...

My life has gotten SO BUSY!

I'm working 3 jobs that are kicking my ass just trying to keep the families financial head above water. And then... life happens. Like my company forgot to take FICA out of my paycheck in 2005. Oops! Gotta pay that back now! All $2K+ of it! And the taxes. Gotta pay those taxes. All $1000 of them. And my hubby. Gotta keep him in the manor he's grown accustomed. He runs races that can cost as much as $75 to sign up for, and drinks wine/beer at $15 a week, and goes to concerts that cost $110 a ticket. All on his credit card, which oops! he forgets to pay. I've been working so much that I haven't been able to food shop or clean the house or anything. Heck, the poor kitties ran out of food this morning! So, the lucky babies got tuna fish instead. I'm sure they are not complaining. Spolied kitties!

How am I ever going to be able to be a mother? I can't even remember to eat on a regular basis! There is no food in my house, and dirt EVERYWHERE! The house needs work to bring it up to what I want it to be, and forget the idea of decorating a nursery. I'll be happy to have furniture in a room. I have a friend with more money than, well, most people my age and she was going on and on about how it is so worth it to hire a housekeeper, because sure she could do the work but why when she would rather spend the time doing other things. I wanted to kill her.

On the baby front, still feels like a big hoax; like I'll find out that really someone has just been shrinking my pants, and paying actors to pretend I'm pregnant, and showing me videos of someone elses sonogram, and oh yeah! That doppler actually MAKES the heartbeat sound. 1w4d to next sonogram. I'd really like to feel the baby move, to know that there is ACTUALLY someone inside me. Right now, I'm waiting for someone to show up and tell me I've been punk*d.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

And exhale...

So Tuesday was the big doctor's appointment. Yay! I had to wait over an hour for my 15 minutes of fame. Grrr....

DH was still freakin out and nervous after our last appointment, but I still felt pretty calm. So I do the basics (no weight gain, peed in cup after accidentally dropping it in toliet, blood pressure is fine, baby's heart rate is a stellar 165 bpm) and then the doctor comes in... and doesn't have the test results!! Thankfully, the other office had them and was able to fax them over. Whew. Our risks:

Downs Symdrome = 1 in 4150
Trisomy = 1 in >10,000


Them's some good odds! The baby was measuring a week ahead which is fine, and my uterus is the right size, shape, place and all my blood tests came back they way they were supposed to so I am still happily ensonced in my little healthy pregnancy....

So why am I not more excited?

Don't get me wrong, I'm over the moon happy! I spend most nights lying in bed wondering if it was gas or a kick (probally gas. I'm VERY gassy.) and just loving the baby. But... I have no interest in looking at baby stuff. I have no interest in planning a nursery. I have NO interest in buying materinity clothes. I'm only minorly interested in attending prenatal yoga, cloth diapering classes, or hypnobirth... all the things I want to do, and know where to do them, but can't bring myself to go.

I still think its not real. I'm waiting for something to go wrong. I can't believe that in August I will actually have a little person.

Once an infertile, always an infertile.

I can't shake the pain of loss, the fear that I won't be a mom. Its still more real to me than the pregnancy is. I mean, most of my pants still fit, I feel fine, and I'm so crazy busy at work I can't think of much else. All I want to do is survive this semester and deal with house/baby stuff when its over in late May though by then I'll be ka-HUGE and unable to do much. But even that thought seems unreal.

THis is probally why I keep crying at the doctors when I hear the heartbeat. For that one moment, it feels like this might actually be happening...

Monday, January 26, 2009

1st Trimester Screen

So today we went to the Doctor (whom I hope our insurance covers) for our first trimester screen. We were having a combined screen, with blood work and nuchal fold translucency. I woke up early, had a full bladder, and was ready to role. The hospital is SUCH a maze! We finally got where we wanted to be, had a little finger stick for the blood test (not bad) and then got to have the ultrasound. First, let me say how cute my baby is!! We saw its profile, and its little nose, and its little fingers and toes and feet and hands and arms and legs and heartbeat (165 bpm) and it measured at 6.12 cm. The fun was trying to get the baby to bounce so we could get a good measurement. Apparently, the baby wasn't listening. It was just happily going along on its 10 minutes sleep/wake cycle, and couldn't care less what we wanted it to do. It would bounce as soon as the probe was in the wrong place. Silly baby. The challenge is having someone push on your uterus while you REALLY have to pee, so they let me let some out which felt so much better. Still, it was awfully entertaining to be able to watch the screen and see the little baby wave and put its hand in its mouth. Its funny that all this movement is happening and I can't feel a thing! But I'm watching the screen and just falling in love with the little alien in my belly.

Which made it harder when the doctor told me that the nuchal fold was measuring a little big. She said not to worry, and once the blood work came back they would send it all to my OB for my full risk factor. It is entirely possible that there is still a low risk. And regardless of group, there is still a chance that everything will be fine. I'm SO happy I only have to wait until Tuesday to find out. I feel surprisingly calm about it. Perhaps because I'm SO tired now that the adreneline is worn off. Or that there is so much to worry about this week that has nothing to do with the baby. Or just that I have faith in G-d that we are going to get the baby that is right for us. Or just that there is nothing to worry about until Tuesday. We shall wait and see....

Friday, January 23, 2009

So sleepy...

Yesterday I had to call in sick from work since I was too tired to finish combing my hair. Crazy, huh? I'm no longer nauseus, but now I'm crazy crazy tired. At least tommorrow starts week 12, so I should be coming down the home stretch! Of course, I feel bad using one of my precious sick days for this purpose...but I was really that tired!

Monday is my 1st trimester screen and I'm nervous. Not so nervous that they'll find a problem, but nervous that my insurance will cover it. Not that I have ever had an insurance problem, but I really don't have the money. Espcially since our utility bill is kicking our butt. I have to come up with $160 from our savings account to cover the difference from what I budgeted to what the bill is!! And now DH wants to go to a concert that is $90! I don't want to go $90 worth (especially since it will be in May!)

Gotta run and do work stuff!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Finally! Double digits!

So we're now at 10.5 weeks. Woohoo! Sure, its not a milestone like hitting the second trimester, but it kinda feels like when you had your 10th birthday. It just felt like a big deal. I'm not feeling too nauseus anymore, or at least nothing regular. It comes and goes, mostly in the later afternoon. Mostly I'm so frickin tired all the time, which also gets worse in the later afternoon. And depending on how many times I had to get up and pee depends on how tired I am.

We have big scary prenatal testing coming up on the 26th. That's when we'll do the nuchal transparancy. Not too worried, but looking forward to a good result. Then one more week until my 2nd OB appointment. It really does seem to be going fast! Just think, by the end of this month I'll hit the second trimester! I just keep praying that everything will be okay.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

First OB Appointment

So yesterday was the 1st appointment as a non-IFer. VERY different expereince. I mean, there were pregnant women in the office, the office was less busy, and it wasn't nearly as depressing. The doctor is super nice, and did a great job answering our questions. Then she brought out the doppler (not trans-vaginal, an abdominal doppler) and said she would try to see if she could find the heartbeat, but not to stress since it may still be a little to early to hear it externally. So we were well prepared, and honestly, I didn't expect anything. I mean, its only 9weeks4days. Well, surprise to us all when she found it pretty darn quickly!!! Wow! I cried. I still can't believe that this is real. My pants are getting tight, I have a super teeny bump (kinda just looking fat), and my morning sickness has quieted significantly. I got a couple of weeks until the 2nd trimester, but life is pretty good right now. So, of course, I'm totally waiting for the other shoe to drop. What's the catch (so to speak)? I have to call and make an appointment for 1st trimester screening for Down's Syndrome and Trisomy, and it makes me very nervous though Doc doesn't think we are much of a risk. Finger's crossed that she's right!

Monday, January 5, 2009

The Post Holiday Update

Sorry for the delay. When I'm not at work I avoid a computer at all costs. Now that I'm back, I'll give you the big points:

  • First, let me just say that I love working for higher ed since I love having 2 weeks off for break. But coming back from break is MISERABLE! I have so very much work to do, and no motivation.
  • Christmas was a fun filled whirlwind of a week. I didn't kill my bro's gf, my grandmother's mind is starting to go (I think), and all in all I really love my family. Hubby's family isn't too shabby either. We finally told all of our family and the MIL, as expected, told a whole sh*tload of people even though we told her not to. Personally, I think that is incredibly rude. I mean, its not her news to tell!! I also heard some horror stories of how she acted in the hospital with SIL. I'm not sure I want her to be in the hospital at all. Could we just call her AFTER we get home? Lord knows the only overnight guest I want in our house is MY mother the week after birth. Out of town guests need to ante up for the hotel. Anyhoo, got some fun gifts, had lots of fun family time, and got to tell my grandpa that he will be a great-grandfather. That was super cool! And I was surprised by how excited my brother was!
  • Week after Christmas I had such big plans. But... I got off my feeding schedule. I know I need to eat as soon asmy eyes open, but instead I chose to roll over and read a book. This meant by the time I got around to eatting I was naueous. Once the nausea sets in, it doesn't really leave. So I spent the whole week sitting on the couch, and napping. I did get out to visit people a couple times, but all the crafts, organizing, projects etc that I had planned to do with my full week of free time kinda got left behind. As did our budget. I'm scared to check the bank statement to see how we totally blew it!
  • Had our last (hopefully EVER) RE appointment (though I will see her for routine GYN care). Its amazing. The baby went from a spec in the upper corner of a black ball to, well, an actually little person! In just a few weeks we went from 2.5 mm to 2.5 cm! I'm measuring EXACTLY what I think I should be (9 weeks and 2 days today) and the baby had all of its arms and legs and a heartbeat. We didn't get to hear the heartbeat because she didn't have a doppler (she doesn't see pregnant patients) but we saw it. And I saw the baby wiggle its little butt. (Hubby missed this, and swears he will NEVER take his eyes off the monitor again.) My first OB appointment is this Wednesday. I took off because my mom is having a red hat's party in the morning that I'm going to go to and help at, and then meet hubby for the doctor.
  • All in all, I feel great! Tired as all get out, but that is to be expected. I really need to get some work stuff done today, and I REALLY need to clean up some of the stuff at home. My goal (or resolution)? 1 hour a day of project stuff. So I work until 6p, then gym (not today) until 7p, home by 7:30p, dinner over by 8:30p, project until 9:30p, shower etc until 10p, and TV until 11p. Totally doable, right? The only downside is that I'm so freaking lazy! I'm trying to break out of that so I can be the type of woman I would want my daughter to be. Or just a good role model in general. At the very least, I'd like to get some stuff done around the house.

So all in all, life is good. WAY better than I deserve (not that I'm a bad person or anything, but I just feel so freakin' blessed and keep thanking G-d ever chance I get because I firmly believe in G-d's plan and am very thrilled that it is a positive one when that hasn't always been the case.) I just caught up on all my blogs and realized that our situation could have been so much worse. We really dodged a bullet.

So happy new years to everyone!