Friday, November 20, 2009

Back to work...

So I worked out my maternity leave so I could have as much time home as possible. I did 8 weeks off completely, then started back for 8 weeks part time (20 hours a week.) And pretty soon it will all be over.

And I am miserable.

I have to stop talking about it at home, because it makes DH feel guilty when I complain about not being able to be a SAHM since he doesn't make enough money. I just love my baby SO MUCH! I don't ever want to leave him. I always wanted to be a SAHM, and in dealing with the IF it cemented that. The problem is we really can't cut back on anything. I mean, the gov't wants us to pay our student loans, and we kinda need a roof over our head. Our house is small, and in the city, and cheap. Our mortgage is less than some of my friend's rents. We don't live extravegantly, we don't take vacations, but we have non-credit card debt. So we are stuck.

I keep telling myself that the imporant thing is that he is loved, fed, clothed, stimulated, and clean. And it ultimately doesn't matter if it is me, hubby, or mom doing it. But selfishly, I want it to be ME!! I LOVe the little things that I can do to make him laugh. If someone else copies it, he will smile, but only laugh when I do it. I'm so scared that when I switch to full time work the following will happen:
1- my milk supply will dry up.
2- we will lose our special bond. I mean, he was in my tummy for 9 months, and now I only get to see him (awake) for an hour or two a day?! WTH? Will he be more attached to those he sees more?
3- I will miss all of his firsts.

I think once I get into it, and begin to realize that I'm still special to him and he still loves me and we still have a bond then it will be easier to adjust to. I just have to redefine for myself what it means to be a mommy. I'll work on that and get back to you.

No comments: