Feeling trapped

First a disclaimer...

I'm thrilled to be pregnant. I can't wait to have this baby.

Now the bee in my bonnent:

I just had my performance evaluation today and I am so confused. The actual written evaluation was not too shabby, but my boss started with how there were two issues that need to be addressed because of complaints. Umm....what? Essentially, it was one complaint: that members of the staff didn't feel that they were able to have their opinions heard about the events and I've been doing it without their involvement. Yes.... because my job is to be the event coordinator. My whole purpose for being in this office is to plan events. My job description is to plan events. My events have been spot on, gaining me kudos from other on campus departments, employers, students, etc. People talk about how coming to our job fairs are so much better than other schools in the area. And my boss admits that I do a good job at the fairs. So.... what's the problem? Well, other staff want to have a say in how the events are marketed, and he wants me to have to go through a newly created in office marketing committee. Fine. I suggested why doesnt' the committee just take responsibility for marketing the events because then I can focus on other, more interesting aspects of my job. Then they get to see how fun it is to have to try to get people to show up. And if they want to have more say in the emplyoers that attend, then why doesn't the employer relations coordintor stop mucking about and actually relate to employers so we can get a more diverse mix. By the end of the whole thing, what I realized is he got in trouble with his boss for complaints that other staff members have made to his boss, so his boss told him we need to be more of a team. So instead of taking that as something HE needs to work on, he blames me (and other staff members who had similar words show up in their evals) for not being more of a team player. Trust me, I WANT to be a team player, but the staff sucks. Not all of them, just half. They are mean, backstabbing, unproffessional women who don't want to "offer an opinion", they want to tell you what to do because they are automatically right and therefore you are wrong. I am so fricking frustrated.

So I look at other jobs, and find a couple that look promising... but I'm 6 months pregnant. I can't fit into any suits, including the maternity suit jacket that I recently bought! How can I interview? Who will hire a woman who is a breath away from materinity leave? I'm not eligable for FMLA unless I'm employed for a year so I can't do a damn thing about anything. I just have to suck it up and deal. I wish I didn't have to work once the baby was born. I wish I could throw myself into creating a great home for my family, and being a wonderful wife and mother. But no. We need the money to pay the student loans. So here I am, totally impot*nt and stuck dealing with these shitty people and their passive aggressive ideas.

What I wouldn't give for a good boss...

How I miss breathing...

I swear, this kid is all up in my lungs! I'm now 24/25 weeks, have a 'cute' bump that gets bigger everyday, and a baby that loves to kick off my bladder and head butt my diaphram. I was in prenatal Yoga last night, and the breathing exercises were challenging because I couldn't get a full breath. Can't wait until doctor's appointment in two weeks to see if I'm normal. Between this, the hip pain, the tailbone pain (associated with the hips), and the lack of sleep (due to pain and pee) I'm thinking the 2nd trimester honeymoon has ended 3 weeks early. Still, all in all its not that bad. It still surprises me sometimes that I won't be pregnant forever. For the longest time I was focused on getting pregnant and it was all consuming. Then it was staying pregnant. Now its being pregnant. I'm already thinking about getting pregnant the second time (since with the IF issues the RE told us not to wait), and trying to convince my hubby that he really wants a third baby. I think I'm getting ahead of myself. Step one is to safely have this baby. It seems so unreal! Who am I to get such a gift? Why did I get so lucky? There are so many very deserving people who are trying so hard... I truly feel blessed.

I just hope I don't screw it up.

Crazy dream

Okay, so I've had way crazier dreams, mostly involving how to dispose of dead bodies. I have never killed these bodies mind you, but I'm somehow suckered in to trying to get rid of them without getting caught. Just a little stress to work out, no biggie!

But this dream was WAY better. I dreamt that I saw the baby move, and actually saw its little hand and foot, and was then able to actually see the whole baby, and hold the baby. Keep in mind, the baby was still in my stomach, so I saw the baby covered in my skin. Sounds creepy, right? But in the dream it was beautiful. I was able to get the baby back into position without any trouble, and then was kicking myself for not checking if it was a boy or a girl. I've never really been one to get all gooshy over babies, but now I'm starting to. Very strange.

In other news, life is kindof a downer right now. I'm so tired of my job, and the job I was hoping to get was given to an internal person without ever posting it. I have so much to do and so little energy or motivation to do it. I'm so glad its Friday!!

Lets get physical

So last night hubby and I spent some frustrating time trying to watch a TV show on our computer. (Old crappy computer.) While he was messing with it, I was chilling and feeling the baby kick. Then I looked down and saw something. I dismissed it at the time, but kept my eye open. Then I saw it again! A particularly hard kick actually pushed out my belly!! I SAW the baby kick!! I laughed, and told hubby who excitedly turned to look and he saw it to!! "Was that you?" he asked. "Nope, that was the baby!" I replied.

It was a very cool moment.

Technically we are 22 weeks, but the baby has been measuring a week ahead. According to BabyCenter, in the 23 week you would start seeing the baby move, so I guess we are still a week ahead. So I guess I've started my 6th month. Woah. Time is flying!

The "talk"

This weekend we went to nephew's bday brunch. All in all a fun weekend. The birthday boy was full spoiled brat meltdown on Saturday, and for the record let me say THIS IS NOT NORMAL! He had just been celebrating his bday for a week straight and was still conviced he was the most imporant thing ever. We would be talking at dinner, and he would be SCREAMING for us to shut up because he couldn't hear the TV. Eventually his mom told him that he was not allowed to talk like that and another word would have the TV off and him in bed. My thought is they have a beautiful TV downstairs... why not just have him watch down there? He made me nervous about having kids. (He was MUCH better the next day. I'm thinking he was just tired.) His brother was sick, and super sweet. He made me feel better about having kids, except I was terrified that he would get me sick and I can't take cold medicine. The next day we visited a friend in the area with a baby (who was also sick) but is now 4-5 months old. Cutest. Thing. Ever. When I last saw the baby, he was only 1-2 months and screamed when I would hold him. Now he was much more stable, and would smile at me, and laugh at me and it was wonderful. That made me all excited again.

Then we went back to the bday brunch. You see, I have a master's degree in Women's Health. I never wanted to change my name, and take on my husband's name, and be reduced to "Mrs." I always wanted to keep my own name, whichI love. Its uncommon, but not wierd. My husband's name is VERY common. So common in fact, that it causes trouble when getting loans etc since there are so many people with the same first AND last name as him. Since our children will have rather normal names, having a common last name would be the kiss of death. So, we will hyphenate. My name is legally hyphenated, and I use my hyphenated name on everything. So will the kids. This was decided before we got married and we are all perfectly fine with it. But... hubby is the only son of an only son of an only son. So we get pulled aside by MIL and Aunt IL to have "the talk." Now I must say I was kinda waiting for it. MIL did all the talking and said "she didn't know why she cared by she just had to voice her opinion or she would reget it forever." Fine. So she voiced a whole bunch of nonsense, without any really good argument but whatever. And then she invoked DH's deceased father and that was what pushed him over the edge. All the "oh, it would have been so imporant for your dad, he would be so dissappinted, blah blah blah." Not cool. Not cool at all! Oh, and my fave line, "The whole family feels this way." Um, okay. So when she was done, I told her there was nothing wrong with expressing her opinion, but we have made up our minds and will not change the baby's name. We are a new family, and this is how we want to do it. The end.

I love our children's names and feel confident that they are right. Being questioned about my parenting decisions is really fricking annoying, especially when everything after that was all about the baby, and advice, and fear mongering, etc. I appreciated advice when I ask for it, and don't mind it in small doses, but for HOURS on end gets tedious. Ugh, what is it going to be like once the baby is actually here?!

All the newness...of being normal

Just had another doctor's appointment. Baby has a nice strong heartbeat (147) and kept kicking the doppler! Apparently this baby is VERY active. Uterus is right where it should be (2 fingers above navel). Weight gain is right where it should be (17 pounds total so far. 10 pounds this month alone!) And no nasty things. So... apparently went from crazyreproductivesystemthatdoesn'twork to totallynormalmama. Whoda thunk?

Baby is moving like crazy. The other night I was lying in bed and felt a kick. Then another. Then another. So I quickly called DH and said I think the baby has hiccups! So he comes up stairs and puts his hand on my tummy. Of course, as is the habit, the baby stops. Just when we think all hope is lost... baby moved! DH FINALLY got to feel the baby move!! It was so cool.

Currently we're week 21/22. Other than the cramps in my legs & feet, and my total inability to stay asleep, all is normal!