Back in the saddle again...

Oh where to begin...

First, the happy:
Darling son is now 18 months old and simply amazing. Worth every sleepless night! Well, now he is a walking, sleeping, pooping, eatting, bundle of energy. He sings constantly!! My fave hit is "Fwosty the NOMAN", followed by "Woah, woah, woah da butt". And he is so happy. And so cute. And so little (5th percentile for height, and 9th for weight.) And perfect. So much so, that having another one sounded like a good idea, right?

Right?

Well, of course, that sparked fears and 'woe is me' about being able to get pregnant again. So when my cycle came back in February, we just didn't bother with birth control. Or s*x for that matter. We were just too tired! Then he started sleeping through the night at 11ish months and that got the juices flowing. Once we were caught up on our sleep (August/September) we started 'trying'. Each month when I got my period I would count back 16 days (since the luteal phase was the only consistent thing about my period) and would say, "Well, we just missed the timing this month." Still, in the back of my head....dread and fear. So in December, I would ovulate over Christmas vacation, so we were going to DO IT! From CD10-CD23 we did it. Everynight. Sometimes twice. Then on January 11th, I tested. A little early, sure, but still within range of super sensitive tests. And guess what?

BFP!

Wow!! So maybe we aren't IF afterall? I mean, we just knocked some boots and then got all preggo.... like normal people. It all seemed too easy.

It was.

On January 28th I was at work, went to the potty and had spotting...then bright red blood... then stringy stuff. So I called the doctor and he said it could be normal, but go to L&D for a Sonogram. So I did. It was 6-7 weeks, so my thought was we would see the little flickering heartbeat and be sent home to worry. Nope. Not for us. After 4 hours, 3 ultrasounds and a bloodtest, I was told the results were inconclusive. It appears I was 4weeks 2 days. No, I said. That is not possible.

Next day, I felt some heaviness, but not really crampy. And I would go between brown to red and back again. And I was sad.

Very very sad.

The whole house was sad. Tried to be happy and positive for the DS, and tried to cheer up DH, but just felt crushed. The worse part was the little burst of hope that would pop up. But Monday, I called my doctor and found out, SHE WAS ON VACATION! Talk about bad luck. The doctor on call sent me for a follow up Beta, and then I waited. That evening, I was driving home from work and had horrible, OMG I can't drive with these cramps. When I walked in my house I felt something fall out of me. I panicked, because it was just me and the baby at home and how was I supposed to deal with this and where the heck was my hubby and WHAT DO I DO?!

So I went to the potty, and found a sad little lump of grossness on my pad, which I scooped into a water bottle, wrapped up, stashed away and called the doctor. Doc on call #2 said to call my doc in the morning. The plus side was, I felt physically better. Those cramps were awful, and they stopped and the heaviness went away.

The next day my test results came back and my Hcg level had gone up! So off to L&D I go, again, to see what's up. Thankfully, it was a snow day. Whew! L&D confirmed my blood levels had dropped WAY down, so it appears I had a complete miscarriage, and they would take the "products of conception" to pathology.

And that was it.

Its never that easy.

The worst part is that at 4weeks 2 days I was JUST getting my BFP, when really, it was already over. So now we wait out this cycle, and try again next month.

Seriously, this sucks.