So busy...

My life has gotten SO BUSY!

I'm working 3 jobs that are kicking my ass just trying to keep the families financial head above water. And then... life happens. Like my company forgot to take FICA out of my paycheck in 2005. Oops! Gotta pay that back now! All $2K+ of it! And the taxes. Gotta pay those taxes. All $1000 of them. And my hubby. Gotta keep him in the manor he's grown accustomed. He runs races that can cost as much as $75 to sign up for, and drinks wine/beer at $15 a week, and goes to concerts that cost $110 a ticket. All on his credit card, which oops! he forgets to pay. I've been working so much that I haven't been able to food shop or clean the house or anything. Heck, the poor kitties ran out of food this morning! So, the lucky babies got tuna fish instead. I'm sure they are not complaining. Spolied kitties!

How am I ever going to be able to be a mother? I can't even remember to eat on a regular basis! There is no food in my house, and dirt EVERYWHERE! The house needs work to bring it up to what I want it to be, and forget the idea of decorating a nursery. I'll be happy to have furniture in a room. I have a friend with more money than, well, most people my age and she was going on and on about how it is so worth it to hire a housekeeper, because sure she could do the work but why when she would rather spend the time doing other things. I wanted to kill her.

On the baby front, still feels like a big hoax; like I'll find out that really someone has just been shrinking my pants, and paying actors to pretend I'm pregnant, and showing me videos of someone elses sonogram, and oh yeah! That doppler actually MAKES the heartbeat sound. 1w4d to next sonogram. I'd really like to feel the baby move, to know that there is ACTUALLY someone inside me. Right now, I'm waiting for someone to show up and tell me I've been punk*d.

And exhale...

So Tuesday was the big doctor's appointment. Yay! I had to wait over an hour for my 15 minutes of fame. Grrr....

DH was still freakin out and nervous after our last appointment, but I still felt pretty calm. So I do the basics (no weight gain, peed in cup after accidentally dropping it in toliet, blood pressure is fine, baby's heart rate is a stellar 165 bpm) and then the doctor comes in... and doesn't have the test results!! Thankfully, the other office had them and was able to fax them over. Whew. Our risks:

Downs Symdrome = 1 in 4150
Trisomy = 1 in >10,000

!!!!

Them's some good odds! The baby was measuring a week ahead which is fine, and my uterus is the right size, shape, place and all my blood tests came back they way they were supposed to so I am still happily ensonced in my little healthy pregnancy....

So why am I not more excited?

Don't get me wrong, I'm over the moon happy! I spend most nights lying in bed wondering if it was gas or a kick (probally gas. I'm VERY gassy.) and just loving the baby. But... I have no interest in looking at baby stuff. I have no interest in planning a nursery. I have NO interest in buying materinity clothes. I'm only minorly interested in attending prenatal yoga, cloth diapering classes, or hypnobirth... all the things I want to do, and know where to do them, but can't bring myself to go.

I still think its not real. I'm waiting for something to go wrong. I can't believe that in August I will actually have a little person.

Once an infertile, always an infertile.

I can't shake the pain of loss, the fear that I won't be a mom. Its still more real to me than the pregnancy is. I mean, most of my pants still fit, I feel fine, and I'm so crazy busy at work I can't think of much else. All I want to do is survive this semester and deal with house/baby stuff when its over in late May though by then I'll be ka-HUGE and unable to do much. But even that thought seems unreal.

THis is probally why I keep crying at the doctors when I hear the heartbeat. For that one moment, it feels like this might actually be happening...