Thursday, February 5, 2009

And exhale...

So Tuesday was the big doctor's appointment. Yay! I had to wait over an hour for my 15 minutes of fame. Grrr....

DH was still freakin out and nervous after our last appointment, but I still felt pretty calm. So I do the basics (no weight gain, peed in cup after accidentally dropping it in toliet, blood pressure is fine, baby's heart rate is a stellar 165 bpm) and then the doctor comes in... and doesn't have the test results!! Thankfully, the other office had them and was able to fax them over. Whew. Our risks:

Downs Symdrome = 1 in 4150
Trisomy = 1 in >10,000


Them's some good odds! The baby was measuring a week ahead which is fine, and my uterus is the right size, shape, place and all my blood tests came back they way they were supposed to so I am still happily ensonced in my little healthy pregnancy....

So why am I not more excited?

Don't get me wrong, I'm over the moon happy! I spend most nights lying in bed wondering if it was gas or a kick (probally gas. I'm VERY gassy.) and just loving the baby. But... I have no interest in looking at baby stuff. I have no interest in planning a nursery. I have NO interest in buying materinity clothes. I'm only minorly interested in attending prenatal yoga, cloth diapering classes, or hypnobirth... all the things I want to do, and know where to do them, but can't bring myself to go.

I still think its not real. I'm waiting for something to go wrong. I can't believe that in August I will actually have a little person.

Once an infertile, always an infertile.

I can't shake the pain of loss, the fear that I won't be a mom. Its still more real to me than the pregnancy is. I mean, most of my pants still fit, I feel fine, and I'm so crazy busy at work I can't think of much else. All I want to do is survive this semester and deal with house/baby stuff when its over in late May though by then I'll be ka-HUGE and unable to do much. But even that thought seems unreal.

THis is probally why I keep crying at the doctors when I hear the heartbeat. For that one moment, it feels like this might actually be happening...

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