Its Over...Its so over...

Did anyone get the Greys Anatomy reference?

Anyhoo... It was not implantation bleeding. Saturday my temp dropped. Mood sunk. Finally on Sunday I had cramps, nausea, and ...errr... other issues. And now starts a month of ambiguity. Do I have the surgery? Where will I be in my cycle? If I O early then we may finish the cycle before the surgery so we can try. If I O too late then we need to use protection to prevent a problem. And then of course, how long after surgery do we have to wait until we can try again?
Well, I guess its kinda like a vacation...sorta....

Either way, happy one year anniversary.

Devestation

I am really a downer, aren't I? Sorry about that. There are just so many things that make me feel sad.

The first is hormones. Seriously.

Second is stress. I feel like I don't have enough time to do anything. And then I'm supposed to be working with my Dad, and tells me not to feel like I'm obligated, but I'm doing something I don't really enjoy doing and making no money at it with the hope that someday I'll be able to earn some income. BUT I eat dinner at 9pm and sleep by 11pm so there is not much time there. Weekends I'm normally swamped. I didn't pack a lunch today since the kitchen was such a mess. On weekends I normally clean, but if the weekend is busy (like the past few) then the house doesn't get cleaned. If I'm doing this second job the amount I should be to make $$$ then I'm NEVER going to have a clean house. But then my Dad has been doing it full time for over a year and he hasn't made that much money at it. Darn economy!

The third is the whole not having a baby thing. Made less fun by going into the bathroom to pee and discovering red blood. Well, its only 11DPO and while I would LOVE to believe that this is implantation bleeding, my BBT dropped this morning. Still above the base line, but on the way down. But seriously, 11 DPO?!?!? Normally I'm a 14-15 DPO LP. That was the one thing I could actually depend on! An 10 day LP is a sign of a whole new problem. Because, you know, I don't have enough fertility issues...

But hubby is good. His appointment with the Urologist showed that while they like to see spermies that are over... IDK, 20mil, his are around 60mil. So I feel bad. If he was with a 'normal' person he would be super fertile. But it does take two, so if one part of a couple is infertile, then it is an infertile couple.

I'm still lying to FF about the bleeding. I'm going to pretend its not happening until I see what my temp is tommorrow...

Out out darn hope!

I'm trying to be logical, rational and realistic.... but hope keeps popping her ugly head in! Sure, hope can be a blessing, but sometimes its just cruel. I mean, my FF chart shows that my BBT has gone up...and then up again! Triphasic or just crazy morning? And my bbs are super sore. Regular PMS or pregnancy? I had to pee a lot yesterday. Drank too much or pregnant?

The more hopeful I feel, the worse the BFN will be. So I'm trying to relax. (I'm starting to hate that word!)

I will not Google two week wait symptoms I will not Google two week wait symptoms...

A fresh start...

CD 27 of 36
According to FF my average cycle is 36 days so yeah me! This month I'm average! Well, for me anyway. Some Googling revealed that average cycle lengths are 25-35 days, so I'm on the upper end of normal. That means I'll have on average 10 cycles a year.

Anyhoo, I'm supposed to be here talking about my fresh start. Then life keeps getting in the way. For example, I was at my cousin's wedding this weekend and I made sure she got the handmade lace handkerchief that every woman in our family carried starting with out great-grandmother (my mother's mother's mother, whom I hope to one day name my daughter after.) Well... it has gotten lost. Or at least my Dad just called to tell me that no one can find it. My grandmother gave it to me to continue the tradition, and I feel like I screwed up. Joy. So now I'm back to being moody and depressed. Fantastic.

I don't like who I am becoming. So lets get back to that idea of a fresh start. I can do this!!

I want to be the person I know I can be! I want to be healthy, and happy in my skin. I want to be productive and efficient at work. I want to be clean and productive at home. I want to finally hang something on the wall of the house that I have lived in for almost 2 years. I want to at least pretend to stay within a budget, at least so little things like car repairs, house repairs, and wedding gifts don't feel so painful. I can so totally do this!

But did you ever feel your brain freeze up, preventing you from pushing forward? Like you know you have to do laundry, but the idea of getting off the couch to do it is painful? So I'm going to try to do baby steps. Honestly, I think its the stress that is holding me back. And watching the horrible show Dr. 90210 this weekend, Dr. R was talking about how stress hormones seriously impede recovery from surgery. So maybe I really do need to relax, and being the person I want to be could totally help with that.

So I'll keep you...errr...me posted with how I'm doing, and perhaps that would be a welcome relief from the pity party I have become!

Two in one day!

Yeah, you lucky, non-exsistent reader! You get two blogs in one day! About the same issue. Sorry...

I'm just back from the bathroom where I had myself a nice little weep. Just thinking, this birthday will be the first anniversary of the first time we 'pulled the goalie' so to speak. I had been off bcp for about 3 months, was having regular cycles, and excitedly celebrating my last 'unfettered' birthday. Sure, hubby was still freaking out about the idea of becoming a dad and we weren't 'trying' in that we weren't doing all the millions of things we do now. At the time I didn't know about BBT, CM, RE, PCOD, Endo, FF, OPK or any of the other terms I use regularly now. I was hopeful, optimistic, and saw no reason why I wouldn't be a mom or pregnant by my next birthday.

My last chance, this is my last chance. If I'm not pregnant this cycle then I will officially NOT be a mom or pregnant by my birthday. I think about that happy optimistic girl that I was last year, cheerfully saying goodbye to my 20's and openly embracing my 30's. I was really excited about turnng 30, and all year I have been really happy to be 30. This 31 shit is for the birds.

I suddenly feel...old.

CD 24... and the two week wait

My birthday is coming. I had hoped that I would be pregnant or a mom by the tenth anniversary of my 21st birthday and this is my last chance. My test day, according to F.F. is the day before my b-day (which would be a lovely and respectable CD 36). What fun news to share on my birthday! I would have gotten to where I wanted to be, by the skin of my teeth!

But what if I'm not?

Then I get to celebrate this crushing disappointment at my nephew's birthday party. Joy. With my luck, one of the 5 pregnant females in the area that we know personally would just love to see us when we come to visit. More joy. The only thing that could top that would be to go to PA and have the last of the couples we are friends with announce their pregnancy. That would suck serious ass.

Looking at where we are now, it appears that my surgery would fall into the gray area between ovulation and AF. Not ideal, but it will depend on when I ovulate. I guess we'll have to play it by ear.

But fingers crossed for a BFP by my birthday...

Optimism is a b*tch.

Well, back from Dr's appointment. Dear hubby came with me which was nice, and I'm glad he could have his questions answered by someone other than me. (Apparently he's not a big Google-er.) So it turns out that yes, I still have PCOD and am referred to as a thin PCOD in that I don't have a weight issue, so losing weight won't help me. On the plus side, I am a good ovulator...when I actually ovulate. So good eggs, good sperm, and even good timing, but no baby. Apparently PCOS lowers your chances from the max of 20% each month to about 3%. Joy. So now we look at endometriosis. Of course, there is no way to test for this other than laproscopic surgery. Fun times! I'm to be scheduled after event season, which means the end of October. If all goes well, then we will be left to our own devices for 3-6 months. If in that time we don't conceive, OR if it turns out that I never had endo to begin with, then its on to Clomid plus diabetic meds. After that...IVF.

I'm thinking I may be a big 'old hypochondriac, and we're just missing the timing. That sounds way more fun then thinking there is something wrong with me. I don't mind a surgery that will make me better, but I do have a problem with a surgery that doesn't do anything and of course we can't know that until we do the surgery. ugh.

So next step is to keep doing what we're doing, cutting out sugar, going to the gym, and calling the insurance company to make sure they will cover the surgery.

But the doc DID say that I WILL get pregnant. Apparently we ARE fertile people, just on a different timetable then everyone else. Whoda thunk?!

Still, in the back of my head the reality of being pregnant seems so unlikely and so far away...

Good news is fun

So we got the good news from the dear semen analysis people....

HE'S FINE!

Yeah!! So its just me. Well, I guess in the end its a huge relief. The bummer is that sometimes it feels like that...like its just me. Don't get me wrong, hubby is awesome, but I got another pregnancy announcement over the weekend. No wonder my stomach hurts and I've been nauseous for days. (And no, its not a pregnancy symptom. I don't even know how that would be possible.) Hubby says that he believes we just haven't hit our stride yet, and besides, right now it seems like pregnancy is the fad on the day in our circle of friends and with celebrities (or VP candidate's teenage daughters) and who are we to follow a trend? Its much more fun to be special.

So on Monday I will go to the special doctor and talk about special drugs so I can have special mood swings and other special delights. I was torn about taking Clomid, but now it seems like, "why not?" I mean, its been a year and odds are this cycle will continue until past my birthday anyway, which will REALLY be a year. I remember this time last year, we were off the pill and just toying with the idea. October, after my bday and our anniv. we had unpro sex for the first time, and by the end of the month/start of November we stopped using any type of protection. I remember the long shot of hope for a Thanksgiving baby, and the realistic hope of announcing a pregnancy at Christmas. I remember thinking, "This is the last New Years where I'll be able to drink for a while." Well, that's one resolution I'd like to keep. So bring on the drugs!!