Wednesday, June 3, 2009


I am now almost 31 weeks and last night we had our first childbirth class. Kinda fun. VERY scary. But that's not the fear I'm writing about. I feel practically panicked that something is going to go wrong. Maybe its the inferile in me. I mean, you start out all, "Oh, TTC is going to be super fun! I can't wait to have a baby!" and then it turns into, "Not everyone gets a baby. Maybe I'll never get to be a mom." And I guess that's where I am now. Its so hard to feel safe that this is actually happening. Somehow I still don't feel like this is real, that I'm allowed to trust that all will work out. I mean, there are a bajillion people in the world, so obviously more babies survive, grow up and outlive their parents then don't. The odds are seriously in my favor! And my precious little one had been moving non-stop last night and this morning. I think the thunderstorm that freaked me out freaked him/her out. I just REALLY want to meet my baby. I want to know if it is a boy or girl. I want to dance with him/her in the kitchen. I want to be sleep deprived, and nurse my sleepy baby. I want to know how is kicking me like crazy. I'll do anything for a safe birth and a happy, healthy outcome.

I think this may be happening because I am so frickin tired. DH came to bed late, which woke me up to pee. And then the lightning...and the thunder... and the kicking... and then I have to come to this crappy ass job. And while I'm here, a coworker who isn't married, doesn't have kids was talking about how I could never get a compressed work schedule because if I did then she would want to have one too and they would have to offer it to her. Says who? I'm not trying to do this because I WANT to, but because I can't afford daycare! She wants to do it to have a vacation. So essentially, she will make things difficult so she can have an extra vacation day a week, selfishly taking away my oppertunity to parent my baby. I asked her does she seriously want to put in 11 hours a day? Seriously? It bothered me that my coworkers aren't supportive. I mean, I really want to work on a team, but I'm surrounded by people that are in it for themselves.

At least the rightgeous anger stops the panicky fear.

Oh, and PS! My cousin, young, unmarried, cousin accidentially got preggo with her boyfriend of <1 year. Seriously?! I'm so glad I'm pregnant and not still TTC because I think I would have LOST it. I still hate stories like that. What a crock. But, in the reality of it, DH and I want to help her because its hard thing to do. At least her parents are being super supportive!

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