Friday, August 29, 2008

Fear of mail

Well, officially not PG this month. :-(

On the other hand, talk about wicked timing! I get home yesterday and my test results were in. Nothing exciting, just confirmation that my ovaries are not a happy place and apparently my vaginal shmear was fine. The best part about that is that I didn't have an vaginal shmear, but still, glad to know it went well. Because my wacky body decided last month to be 'normal' it screwed up my tests, so when my Dr. sent me a prescription for a re-do of my FSH for CD 2 or 3 I thought it was great timing that today was day 3! Lucky! So today I had a blood test. More fun for the family. And Dr. said if I wanted to review my tests in more detail to make an appointment. Already done. I feel so on the ball!! When I get to her office, I'm totally ready to commit to the anticipated horror of Clomid. But maybe it won't be so bad.... Stay tuned!

So feeling pretty good.... until the first dreaded baby shower invite arrived. I'm so not going. There is no way I am driving 4 hours north on a Sunday (no exaggeration. She lives out of state.) to attend an event where 4 of the attendees (that I know of) are pregnant, and then turn around and drive 4 hours home. Meanwhile, I'm a month from turning 31 and have no hope of fulfilling my plan/dream of being pregnant or a mommy on my 31st bday. Yeah, sounds like a no brainer. But I will check out her registry and will still send her a gift. yippee.

WARNING! Pity party ahead....

Apparently, this all hit me harder that I thought it would, so I spent the night sobbing my little eyes out, finally turning to allergy medicine to knock me out just so I could STOP! I never wanted to be one of those woman that had problems. I wanted things to be nice and fun and exciting. Why do I get the shaft? What if I can't have kids? We have NO money for IVF or adoption. And I mean NO money. We make a modest salary, but after you subtract the heinous amount of student loan debt, and the mortgage and the car payment, we do just okay. Just okay. Not okay enough to take on more debt. I don't think it is responsible for us to spend so much money to have the kid that we can't afford to keep the kid. So I'm scared. If I can't get pg with minimal medical assistance, then I may not ever be able to get to be a mom. This is what scares me the most...

No comments: