Rant about the SAHM

Last night I was at a Christmas party and was participating in one converstaion when the person I was talking with was distracted by his wife mentioning his name. So I started eavesdropping. It was essentially a conversation about how she wanted more children, but he wasn't ready. Then she jumped into this tirade about how she would never have children if she had to put them in daycare because she believed that was just an awful thing to do. Hmmmm... All I could think was, "This woman must have gotten pregnant really easily." I remember days when I was convinced that I would never be able to have children (even adopted children since we wouldn't be able to afford the $20K) and being faced with the very real possibility of not being able to have children, the very last thing I was worried about was having to put them in daycare.

I guess this taps into my deeper resentment of stay-at-home mothers. First, lets be clear that this all stems almost entirely from jealousy. I would LOVE to be a SAHM, but I had to go and fall in love with a social worker with student loans. I've done the math six ways from sunday and there is NO WAY that we could get by without my salary. Heck, we could sell my car, cancel all cable, phone, and internet service, and eat ramen and we STILL wouldn't be able to afford it. Unless maybe we chose to live in a tent. But that's not a possibility. So with that being said, here are my pet peeves:

1. Mothers that can comfortably afford to stay home but choose to work anyway. Yes, its a valid choice, and its great showing your children an equality of the sexes but quit your bitchin! I've had women in this situation complain about how hard it is... but how greatful they are for their housekeeper. And how frustrated they are over how long its taking to have their kitchen totally remodeled. And how they didn't have the brand new steamer washing machine avaliable in the color they wanted. Yeah, no pity for you.

2. Mothers that stay at home and work less than 20 hours a week. And they complain about how hard it is to have to leave their kids, but how its kind of a vacation, and how its nice to have the extra money to cover their housekeeper. (seriously? Am I the only one without a housekeeper?)

3. Stay at home mothers that complain about the term "working mothers" in that they believe it implies that they don't work. Yes, taking care of children is a full time job. Yes, its work. But again with the quittin of the bitchin. They will say, "some mornings I'm so busy I don't even get to brush my teeth! And then I'm running to the bus stop in my pajama pants." Well, I kind have to brush my teeth before work AND I have to actually wear clothes. So I'm going to find a way to get child up, dressed, packed, and get myself up, dressed, and packed, and then drive them off to my parents house (45 min away) and then 45min back to work, doing the same thing in reverse in the afternoon, and also cooking dinner getting the child ready for bed, and then having to find a moment to clean up the house. So if a SAHM is 'working' then I will be working 2 full time jobs. (plus a couple part time jobs to help make ends meet.) So, no, I will never say a SAHM is a working mom since they are 2 distinct and different things.

Did I mention I have a Master's degree in Women's Studies? Seriously, I do. They are probally going to take back the diploma after this! But like I said, this all stems from jealousy.

Well that sucked...

This morning I was having a crazy dream about how I was getting ready for a date (?) with this guy and him and his mom (??) were coming over. I ran to use the outside (???) bathroom in my old house which was the filthiest bathroom ever, when he showed up with his mom (both were Korean. Figure that out.) and my mom was giving them the tour. She was outside the bathroom door which had no lock and I was yelling to her to not come in but she was talking and didn't hear me so I was about to be caught pants down by my date and his mother and then...

Woke up and totally had to pee. This posed a dilemna since I feel fine when I wake up, but the getting out of bed part makes me nauseated. But I had a dream where I had to pee which means I really had to pee. So I got up at 5am (!!!) and by the time I got back to bed I felt so sick that I couldn't fall back to sleep. Of course, hubby got up the same time I did and was worried about me (awww...) and I had to deal with him tossing and turning which made me feel a little sea sick. Why oh why didn't we spend the extra money to get the no motion transfer mattress?!

So by the time I was actually out of bed I felt just awful. And so far all day I have been miserably tired and nauseated. I finally felt 'hungry' and so I heated up a kashi meal and some frozen veggies, only to accidentally dump it on the carpeted floor of my office. Ew. The part I managed to salvage reinforced to me that meat, particullarly chicken, is a bad thing, and so are cooked veggies. I ate as much as I can (gagging) and then had a nice big piece of chocolate cake. Well the cake was AWESOME and totally gave me a little energy boost so I was able to actually get stuff done!! Now I'm back to being tired and nauseated.

I did call another friend today and told her I had recieved a christmas present that I can't open until August. She got it right away and was so happy for me. Its nice to be able to talk to someone who has recently been pregnant (2 kids ages 5 and 3) since it helped me feel a little less lonely.

Only 2 days until my 2 week holiday break!! Whoohoo!! Hopefully tommorrow I feel well enough for the 2 parties I have and the work I need to accomplish before break. And hopefully my office will stop smelling like chicken (gag.)

Oh, and in the midst of today's fun, hubby's car had to go to the shop for a $400 repair. What a joyful season!

Feeling better...

So the weekend was a bit rough. I think I've learned how to control the nausea. Basically, I need to keep putting something in my mouth at all times, because I no longer feel hungry...just nauseous. Also, the thought of eatting certain things makes me feel worse, most of it involving meat. But its not that bad. Of course, my mom didn't start feeling sick until around her 2nd missed period, which for me would be new years. So I guess it will get worse. At least I should get through the holiday's okay!

Otherwise, I don't sleep well and I'm tired. Small things wear me out a lot faster than they used to. But its no biggie.

Its all worth it.

I know I've gotten lucky. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, I got pregnant easily. Sure, it took persistant temping, accurate pee-ing, a million tests and surgery to get here, but it could have been so much harder! I was prepared for drugs and IUI etc. that to have gotten here "naturally" (again, having a surgery to improve fertility kinda nixes the 'natural' part, but the actual act itself was more typical) is a blessing.

Still.... (prepare self for whiney pregnant woman rant)
I'm scared. I'm tired. I feel sick. I'm scared.
I worry about the changes to my body. I worry about the baby. I worry about the house and will it be safe for a baby. I worry about the cats and how they will react to the baby. I worry that I won't be a good mother. I'm upset that I have to work after having the baby and I worry that I won't be able to handle it. I worry about labor. I worry about money. I worry that I won't ever feel "normal" again. I worry that my car isn't safe enough. I worry that I'm going to choke on a prenatal vitamin. I worry that this is all a dream and I'm going to wake up.

I just keep trying to remind myself that over half the crap you read about what you 'need' for a baby is just marketing. That people had healthy happy babies/children/adults with way less. So what do I really need? A safe car seat, clothes, and some type of diaper. Anything else?

Sorry for the whine. Since we aren't telling people yet, I just have no one else to talk to.

Ruh-roh!

I. feel. so. sick.

Wow. And it's only 5w6d. I have a sneaking suspicion it is all downhill from here.

Houston...we've got a blob!

Last night I told the 'rents. It went smashingly! Earlier in the day my Dad had called to tell me my Mom had cut open her thumb and just had stitches, so could I pick up some food on the way over. Sure, why not. So hubby & I got my $10 oil change (!!!), went to the food store, and then to my parent's house. All was well, then I told my Mom I made her a "feel better" card at work. (I even had it in a work envelope.) She laughed, and opened it...

Hubby said her face just lit up. Me? I was too nervous and can't remember much. But there were tears and hugs and excitement all around. It felt so good. I hate keeping a secret from my family, and during the 16 months of TTC all I wanted was to bring a baby into the family as a whole. Not just my life. Heck, sometimes I think I wanted a baby more for my parents than for me. I think it will be a very lucky baby.

Today was our Doctor's apt. She confirmed that yes, I AM pregnant, and then I got to meet the "d*ldo cam." She has me at about 5 weeks 4 days, which is right around what I thought I was. We saw the sac (in my uterus, thank the lord), and the yolk sac, and a tiny little flickery blob which was the baby. Awww... So I have my next appointment on the 29th to see the heartbeat and arm/leg buds and I need to call the OB since it will take about a month to get in to see her.

I can't believe this is really happening!

Stressin' out

So yesterday I was crazy tired...and today I am the exact opposite. I woke up on my own before 7am and was wide awake. Of course, I was just coming off this crazy, vivid dream. Most of it wasn't particularly interesting. I was visiting a friend at her apartment. I remember the laundry room, and how all the apartments opened into the laundry area, but her area had a separate door for her private washer and drier...and I remember being in the parking lot because we were going somewhere...then we were at a store and my brother was there! (He lives in a different state but is coming into town for the holidays.) Anyhoo, all his friends from high school were there and kept coming up to give him hugs. I was waiting to give him a hug, but then yet another friend came up and jumped in line ahead of me, so I tried to push them out of the way because it was my turn. Then my brother took me aside and told me he had a wonderful announcement... him and his girlfriend were pregnant! He was so wistful and in awe and excited, and all I could do was cry and yell at him for taking my moment from me and how I was supposed to have the first grandchild etc. Then I left and felt just awful about how I acted. So I texted an apology. I was so glad when I woke up to realize the whole thing was a dream!!

I think it relates to my anxiety about tonight. You see, tonight we tell my parents. I made the card that says "You've always been great parents.... now you'll be GRANDparents." and have my story for why I'll be there all set. But I'm scared that telling them will jinx the whole thing, that I'll go to my sonogram on Wed. (tomorrow!) and find out its a blighted ovum or ectopic pregnancy or something. And meanwhile I'm having cramps. I read that cramps (without bleeding) are normal and just a sign of your uterus stretching, but it sure feels like AF is on her way. I'm only 5w4d (I think). AF is only 10 days late. What if this too was just a dream...

So last Thursday I had my second blood test. The same lab tech took the sample and asked if my levels had gone up. Ummm.... no clue since this is only the second test. Well, on Friday my doctor's office calls me to tell me that my levels are excellent, so I don't need to go a third time since they are so high. Yippee!! So my urine says I'm pregnant and now my blood agrees! She cancelled my January appointment because she said I would not need it (optimist) and pushed my appointment back from today until Wednesday so I can get a sonogram. I think that is very exciting.

I told my first people yesterday. I have been friends with these two girls since I was 9 months old. We lost touch briefly in the post college years, but a couple of years ago we started making monthly trips to a spot in between our two states (takes me about 2 hours to get there) for lunch once a month where we can catch up on our lives. Being of the mindset of controlling who I tell, and limiting it to people I would tell if something was wrong, they were told. I told about the crazy, baby-filled weekend of Thanksgiving, and then ended with the test turned positive. I made sure they understood that I wasn't necessarily pregnant, just that I had a positive pregnancy test. (I know, I'm weird.) I also told them I would text them after the doctor's appointment on Wed. with a smiley or frowny face so they would know what's up. It took so long to get to this point, but not nearly as long as I was expecting, so I can't help but wait for the other shoe to drop. I tell my parent's tomorrow, which is not my preference (I would prefer AFTER the sonogram) but its the only day hubby can go.

Meanwhile, in the land of lacking symptoms...
The boobs still hurt... a LOT! I mean, I can't even hug my hubby as tight as I would like since I feel like there are these two hard, sharp rocks between us. Meanwhile, still no period, which is the biggest symptom of all. I've also been hungrier than I ever have been. Yesterday, we got the to the restaurant and I devoured my whole meal. I NEVER finish a meal at a restaurant, and I couldn't help myself! I was halfway through my sandwich and was still starving. I'm normally a very light eater so this was weird for me. My nose is leaking like crazy. I've read that all your membranes start secreting more fluid (vag) and that your body doesn't necessarily differentiate. But it feels more like a cold. Who knows? And I'm waking up on my own at 7:30am every morning because I have to pee like a racehorse. In the evening and early morning I've recently been feeling a little nauseous but I think it may have more to do with being hungry than with pregnancy. And right now, I'm exhausted, mainly because my head feels stuffy. Hmmmm.... maybe it is just a cold....

Sometimes you need to just breathe

I don't really feel pregnant. Its weird, the beginning of this week I was in shock. I had focused so long on accomplishing a goal (getting pregnant) that I never stopped to think about actually being pregnant. Then yesterday... it hit me. I was at the lab to get my first of three blood draws for HcG, Beta, & Progesterone, and the tech asked if I was TTC, and I said, "Well, I think I'm pregnant." That felt really weird to say. Later on that day I was looking up fish I could eat since we have this big Christmas dinner at a seafood resturaunt, and I started to freak. I can SERIOUSLY screw up my future child right now. All the organs are forming, and while I don't feel pregnant, I have to keep reminding myself that I am responsible for someone else's well-being. Is it Monday yet? I REALLY need this doctor's appointment.

So symptoms... hard to say. It is not uncommon for me to be tired, nauseus, and emotional, so today I am really tired, was slightly nauseus this morning and overly emotional to a work event. Is this pregnancy or just Wednesday? All I know is that the combo makes me upset about how messy my house is, but too tired to push a vaccum and scared of using cleaning supplies because of enviormental toxins.

We've still told no one (other than the lab tech) until we get the test results on Monday. Do all pregnant women have to get all this blood work at 4 weeks 4 days, or is it just becuase I'm infertile? Will I get a vag ultrasound on Monday? That would be cool. I'm terrified of blighted ovum, ectopic pregnancy, or anything else that makes this less "real". So...back to thinking positive thoughts!! There is no reason to think that this is anything other than a viable pregnancy, and I can't wait for the RE to confirm that.

Just keep swimming...

Totally freaking out...

So I called the Doctor's (RE) office today and the earliest appointment I can get is next Monday. AURGH! That seems so long to wait! But then they called back and told me I need to have 3 blood draws in 5 days, having the blood taken every other day. I gave them the lab fax number and planned on going first thing tomorrow morning, but then the RE's office fax kept calling my cell phone. So did she send the forms to the lab, or did things get a little confused. Did receptionist lady catch her mistake? I have no idea. At least the lab is right across from work so its not THAT big a deal, but please! I love the doctor, but her office staff leaves much to be desired.

I'm glad to have the blood work done. I read on so many blogs about HcG levels, Progesterone levels, and Doubling Betas and so those numbers would really reassure me. I took another HPT today (positive) and left it as a "present" for my hubby. Sure, leaving a stick covered in pee as a gift is almost as good as a cat bringing you half a mouse, but it made him smile all day. He's worried, like I am, that it's not real. I mean, we've been at this for well over a year, have gone through tests and surgery, and it is so hard to switch gears. I'm waiting for the problem. I'm waiting to wake up. But the positive thinking thing worked so well last month, that I think I'll stick with that. It will be SO much easier after meeting with the doctor and hearing nice high levels. Even better will be going to the OB and hearing a heartbeat.

So meanwhile, I freak out. I Google everything that could go wrong. But I also Google what could go right. According to the Chinese Lunar Calendar Gender Predictor I will have a girl. This will make hubby very sad because he's already referring to the baby by its boy name.

So 7 days until the doctor. Can't wait for some good news!