Rant about the SAHM

Last night I was at a Christmas party and was participating in one converstaion when the person I was talking with was distracted by his wife mentioning his name. So I started eavesdropping. It was essentially a conversation about how she wanted more children, but he wasn't ready. Then she jumped into this tirade about how she would never have children if she had to put them in daycare because she believed that was just an awful thing to do. Hmmmm... All I could think was, "This woman must have gotten pregnant really easily." I remember days when I was convinced that I would never be able to have children (even adopted children since we wouldn't be able to afford the $20K) and being faced with the very real possibility of not being able to have children, the very last thing I was worried about was having to put them in daycare.

I guess this taps into my deeper resentment of stay-at-home mothers. First, lets be clear that this all stems almost entirely from jealousy. I would LOVE to be a SAHM, but I had to go and fall in love with a social worker with student loans. I've done the math six ways from sunday and there is NO WAY that we could get by without my salary. Heck, we could sell my car, cancel all cable, phone, and internet service, and eat ramen and we STILL wouldn't be able to afford it. Unless maybe we chose to live in a tent. But that's not a possibility. So with that being said, here are my pet peeves:

1. Mothers that can comfortably afford to stay home but choose to work anyway. Yes, its a valid choice, and its great showing your children an equality of the sexes but quit your bitchin! I've had women in this situation complain about how hard it is... but how greatful they are for their housekeeper. And how frustrated they are over how long its taking to have their kitchen totally remodeled. And how they didn't have the brand new steamer washing machine avaliable in the color they wanted. Yeah, no pity for you.

2. Mothers that stay at home and work less than 20 hours a week. And they complain about how hard it is to have to leave their kids, but how its kind of a vacation, and how its nice to have the extra money to cover their housekeeper. (seriously? Am I the only one without a housekeeper?)

3. Stay at home mothers that complain about the term "working mothers" in that they believe it implies that they don't work. Yes, taking care of children is a full time job. Yes, its work. But again with the quittin of the bitchin. They will say, "some mornings I'm so busy I don't even get to brush my teeth! And then I'm running to the bus stop in my pajama pants." Well, I kind have to brush my teeth before work AND I have to actually wear clothes. So I'm going to find a way to get child up, dressed, packed, and get myself up, dressed, and packed, and then drive them off to my parents house (45 min away) and then 45min back to work, doing the same thing in reverse in the afternoon, and also cooking dinner getting the child ready for bed, and then having to find a moment to clean up the house. So if a SAHM is 'working' then I will be working 2 full time jobs. (plus a couple part time jobs to help make ends meet.) So, no, I will never say a SAHM is a working mom since they are 2 distinct and different things.

Did I mention I have a Master's degree in Women's Studies? Seriously, I do. They are probally going to take back the diploma after this! But like I said, this all stems from jealousy.

Well that sucked...

This morning I was having a crazy dream about how I was getting ready for a date (?) with this guy and him and his mom (??) were coming over. I ran to use the outside (???) bathroom in my old house which was the filthiest bathroom ever, when he showed up with his mom (both were Korean. Figure that out.) and my mom was giving them the tour. She was outside the bathroom door which had no lock and I was yelling to her to not come in but she was talking and didn't hear me so I was about to be caught pants down by my date and his mother and then...

Woke up and totally had to pee. This posed a dilemna since I feel fine when I wake up, but the getting out of bed part makes me nauseated. But I had a dream where I had to pee which means I really had to pee. So I got up at 5am (!!!) and by the time I got back to bed I felt so sick that I couldn't fall back to sleep. Of course, hubby got up the same time I did and was worried about me (awww...) and I had to deal with him tossing and turning which made me feel a little sea sick. Why oh why didn't we spend the extra money to get the no motion transfer mattress?!

So by the time I was actually out of bed I felt just awful. And so far all day I have been miserably tired and nauseated. I finally felt 'hungry' and so I heated up a kashi meal and some frozen veggies, only to accidentally dump it on the carpeted floor of my office. Ew. The part I managed to salvage reinforced to me that meat, particullarly chicken, is a bad thing, and so are cooked veggies. I ate as much as I can (gagging) and then had a nice big piece of chocolate cake. Well the cake was AWESOME and totally gave me a little energy boost so I was able to actually get stuff done!! Now I'm back to being tired and nauseated.

I did call another friend today and told her I had recieved a christmas present that I can't open until August. She got it right away and was so happy for me. Its nice to be able to talk to someone who has recently been pregnant (2 kids ages 5 and 3) since it helped me feel a little less lonely.

Only 2 days until my 2 week holiday break!! Whoohoo!! Hopefully tommorrow I feel well enough for the 2 parties I have and the work I need to accomplish before break. And hopefully my office will stop smelling like chicken (gag.)

Oh, and in the midst of today's fun, hubby's car had to go to the shop for a $400 repair. What a joyful season!

Feeling better...

So the weekend was a bit rough. I think I've learned how to control the nausea. Basically, I need to keep putting something in my mouth at all times, because I no longer feel hungry...just nauseous. Also, the thought of eatting certain things makes me feel worse, most of it involving meat. But its not that bad. Of course, my mom didn't start feeling sick until around her 2nd missed period, which for me would be new years. So I guess it will get worse. At least I should get through the holiday's okay!

Otherwise, I don't sleep well and I'm tired. Small things wear me out a lot faster than they used to. But its no biggie.

Its all worth it.

I know I've gotten lucky. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, I got pregnant easily. Sure, it took persistant temping, accurate pee-ing, a million tests and surgery to get here, but it could have been so much harder! I was prepared for drugs and IUI etc. that to have gotten here "naturally" (again, having a surgery to improve fertility kinda nixes the 'natural' part, but the actual act itself was more typical) is a blessing.

Still.... (prepare self for whiney pregnant woman rant)
I'm scared. I'm tired. I feel sick. I'm scared.
I worry about the changes to my body. I worry about the baby. I worry about the house and will it be safe for a baby. I worry about the cats and how they will react to the baby. I worry that I won't be a good mother. I'm upset that I have to work after having the baby and I worry that I won't be able to handle it. I worry about labor. I worry about money. I worry that I won't ever feel "normal" again. I worry that my car isn't safe enough. I worry that I'm going to choke on a prenatal vitamin. I worry that this is all a dream and I'm going to wake up.

I just keep trying to remind myself that over half the crap you read about what you 'need' for a baby is just marketing. That people had healthy happy babies/children/adults with way less. So what do I really need? A safe car seat, clothes, and some type of diaper. Anything else?

Sorry for the whine. Since we aren't telling people yet, I just have no one else to talk to.

Ruh-roh!

I. feel. so. sick.

Wow. And it's only 5w6d. I have a sneaking suspicion it is all downhill from here.

Houston...we've got a blob!

Last night I told the 'rents. It went smashingly! Earlier in the day my Dad had called to tell me my Mom had cut open her thumb and just had stitches, so could I pick up some food on the way over. Sure, why not. So hubby & I got my $10 oil change (!!!), went to the food store, and then to my parent's house. All was well, then I told my Mom I made her a "feel better" card at work. (I even had it in a work envelope.) She laughed, and opened it...

Hubby said her face just lit up. Me? I was too nervous and can't remember much. But there were tears and hugs and excitement all around. It felt so good. I hate keeping a secret from my family, and during the 16 months of TTC all I wanted was to bring a baby into the family as a whole. Not just my life. Heck, sometimes I think I wanted a baby more for my parents than for me. I think it will be a very lucky baby.

Today was our Doctor's apt. She confirmed that yes, I AM pregnant, and then I got to meet the "d*ldo cam." She has me at about 5 weeks 4 days, which is right around what I thought I was. We saw the sac (in my uterus, thank the lord), and the yolk sac, and a tiny little flickery blob which was the baby. Awww... So I have my next appointment on the 29th to see the heartbeat and arm/leg buds and I need to call the OB since it will take about a month to get in to see her.

I can't believe this is really happening!

Stressin' out

So yesterday I was crazy tired...and today I am the exact opposite. I woke up on my own before 7am and was wide awake. Of course, I was just coming off this crazy, vivid dream. Most of it wasn't particularly interesting. I was visiting a friend at her apartment. I remember the laundry room, and how all the apartments opened into the laundry area, but her area had a separate door for her private washer and drier...and I remember being in the parking lot because we were going somewhere...then we were at a store and my brother was there! (He lives in a different state but is coming into town for the holidays.) Anyhoo, all his friends from high school were there and kept coming up to give him hugs. I was waiting to give him a hug, but then yet another friend came up and jumped in line ahead of me, so I tried to push them out of the way because it was my turn. Then my brother took me aside and told me he had a wonderful announcement... him and his girlfriend were pregnant! He was so wistful and in awe and excited, and all I could do was cry and yell at him for taking my moment from me and how I was supposed to have the first grandchild etc. Then I left and felt just awful about how I acted. So I texted an apology. I was so glad when I woke up to realize the whole thing was a dream!!

I think it relates to my anxiety about tonight. You see, tonight we tell my parents. I made the card that says "You've always been great parents.... now you'll be GRANDparents." and have my story for why I'll be there all set. But I'm scared that telling them will jinx the whole thing, that I'll go to my sonogram on Wed. (tomorrow!) and find out its a blighted ovum or ectopic pregnancy or something. And meanwhile I'm having cramps. I read that cramps (without bleeding) are normal and just a sign of your uterus stretching, but it sure feels like AF is on her way. I'm only 5w4d (I think). AF is only 10 days late. What if this too was just a dream...

So last Thursday I had my second blood test. The same lab tech took the sample and asked if my levels had gone up. Ummm.... no clue since this is only the second test. Well, on Friday my doctor's office calls me to tell me that my levels are excellent, so I don't need to go a third time since they are so high. Yippee!! So my urine says I'm pregnant and now my blood agrees! She cancelled my January appointment because she said I would not need it (optimist) and pushed my appointment back from today until Wednesday so I can get a sonogram. I think that is very exciting.

I told my first people yesterday. I have been friends with these two girls since I was 9 months old. We lost touch briefly in the post college years, but a couple of years ago we started making monthly trips to a spot in between our two states (takes me about 2 hours to get there) for lunch once a month where we can catch up on our lives. Being of the mindset of controlling who I tell, and limiting it to people I would tell if something was wrong, they were told. I told about the crazy, baby-filled weekend of Thanksgiving, and then ended with the test turned positive. I made sure they understood that I wasn't necessarily pregnant, just that I had a positive pregnancy test. (I know, I'm weird.) I also told them I would text them after the doctor's appointment on Wed. with a smiley or frowny face so they would know what's up. It took so long to get to this point, but not nearly as long as I was expecting, so I can't help but wait for the other shoe to drop. I tell my parent's tomorrow, which is not my preference (I would prefer AFTER the sonogram) but its the only day hubby can go.

Meanwhile, in the land of lacking symptoms...
The boobs still hurt... a LOT! I mean, I can't even hug my hubby as tight as I would like since I feel like there are these two hard, sharp rocks between us. Meanwhile, still no period, which is the biggest symptom of all. I've also been hungrier than I ever have been. Yesterday, we got the to the restaurant and I devoured my whole meal. I NEVER finish a meal at a restaurant, and I couldn't help myself! I was halfway through my sandwich and was still starving. I'm normally a very light eater so this was weird for me. My nose is leaking like crazy. I've read that all your membranes start secreting more fluid (vag) and that your body doesn't necessarily differentiate. But it feels more like a cold. Who knows? And I'm waking up on my own at 7:30am every morning because I have to pee like a racehorse. In the evening and early morning I've recently been feeling a little nauseous but I think it may have more to do with being hungry than with pregnancy. And right now, I'm exhausted, mainly because my head feels stuffy. Hmmmm.... maybe it is just a cold....

Sometimes you need to just breathe

I don't really feel pregnant. Its weird, the beginning of this week I was in shock. I had focused so long on accomplishing a goal (getting pregnant) that I never stopped to think about actually being pregnant. Then yesterday... it hit me. I was at the lab to get my first of three blood draws for HcG, Beta, & Progesterone, and the tech asked if I was TTC, and I said, "Well, I think I'm pregnant." That felt really weird to say. Later on that day I was looking up fish I could eat since we have this big Christmas dinner at a seafood resturaunt, and I started to freak. I can SERIOUSLY screw up my future child right now. All the organs are forming, and while I don't feel pregnant, I have to keep reminding myself that I am responsible for someone else's well-being. Is it Monday yet? I REALLY need this doctor's appointment.

So symptoms... hard to say. It is not uncommon for me to be tired, nauseus, and emotional, so today I am really tired, was slightly nauseus this morning and overly emotional to a work event. Is this pregnancy or just Wednesday? All I know is that the combo makes me upset about how messy my house is, but too tired to push a vaccum and scared of using cleaning supplies because of enviormental toxins.

We've still told no one (other than the lab tech) until we get the test results on Monday. Do all pregnant women have to get all this blood work at 4 weeks 4 days, or is it just becuase I'm infertile? Will I get a vag ultrasound on Monday? That would be cool. I'm terrified of blighted ovum, ectopic pregnancy, or anything else that makes this less "real". So...back to thinking positive thoughts!! There is no reason to think that this is anything other than a viable pregnancy, and I can't wait for the RE to confirm that.

Just keep swimming...

Totally freaking out...

So I called the Doctor's (RE) office today and the earliest appointment I can get is next Monday. AURGH! That seems so long to wait! But then they called back and told me I need to have 3 blood draws in 5 days, having the blood taken every other day. I gave them the lab fax number and planned on going first thing tomorrow morning, but then the RE's office fax kept calling my cell phone. So did she send the forms to the lab, or did things get a little confused. Did receptionist lady catch her mistake? I have no idea. At least the lab is right across from work so its not THAT big a deal, but please! I love the doctor, but her office staff leaves much to be desired.

I'm glad to have the blood work done. I read on so many blogs about HcG levels, Progesterone levels, and Doubling Betas and so those numbers would really reassure me. I took another HPT today (positive) and left it as a "present" for my hubby. Sure, leaving a stick covered in pee as a gift is almost as good as a cat bringing you half a mouse, but it made him smile all day. He's worried, like I am, that it's not real. I mean, we've been at this for well over a year, have gone through tests and surgery, and it is so hard to switch gears. I'm waiting for the problem. I'm waiting to wake up. But the positive thinking thing worked so well last month, that I think I'll stick with that. It will be SO much easier after meeting with the doctor and hearing nice high levels. Even better will be going to the OB and hearing a heartbeat.

So meanwhile, I freak out. I Google everything that could go wrong. But I also Google what could go right. According to the Chinese Lunar Calendar Gender Predictor I will have a girl. This will make hubby very sad because he's already referring to the baby by its boy name.

So 7 days until the doctor. Can't wait for some good news!

The Results Are In...

Before giving the results, I think it is important to truly understand the weekend I just had. Thanksgiving itself was okay. Had a nice dinner at my parent's house with all of the extended family, couldn't remember if I left the oven on so I sent hubby home to check. All in all, it was fun. My Mom seemed sad and I think it was because it is the start of the holiday's and this is the first year without her mom. So I felt bad leaving for hubby's family's house since I wanted to help "fill in" so to speak.

So at hubby's mom's house his sister was there with her 2 little boys. They are always a good time and I had fun with them, but I feel close to the youngest of the boys so it was hard to be there wondering about the results of my test. And then it got worse. We went to visit hubby's best friend's new baby and let me tell you - NOTHING makes you feel more like an infertile then sitting for 5 hours talking about babies. Sister-in-law and friend's wife shared their pregnancy stories, and delivery stories, and new born stories...and I felt totally left out. I was also the DD so I only had one beer, (I know, so much for "treating my body like it was pregnant" but I figure one beer wouldn't hurt. I didn't drink at Thanksgiving.) Meanwhile, hubby drank and drank. What I didn't realize until later was that it was equally hard on him, and he was really upset. The next day I finger painted with the nephew's and then we went to go play a Turkey Bowl Football game with hubby's friends. Well, wouldn't you know it, we walk into the friend's house who is having the party...and there is a baby shower going on. What the F*ck!? Friend's wife is due in January, so her MIL was throwing a shindig. Well, I got the HELL out of there. I thought I would be safe at the game, but then ANOTHER very pregnant woman showed up to watch the game. I did have fun, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I was very grateful to get out of the state and go home.

So Saturday night it felt like Christmas. I still only had cramps that felt more like gas, I had no sign of AF, and I never wanted it as much as I did this month. Hubby, meanwhile, was DREADING the test because he didn't know how he would be able to help me through the aftermath of the crushing heartbreak.

This morning, we woke up, I peed in a cup, and dipped the stick in.
****
Then we waited.
****
Then I got up to check
****
Then I burst into tears.
*
*
*
*
Big
*
*
*
*
FAT
*
*
*
*
POSITIVE!!!!!!!

Holy Shit!

Hubby and I hugged and sobbed and laughed and generally freaked out. I kept checking the test and comparing it with the picture. There was no doubt, that line was PINK! Then the shell shock set in. I mean, do we go about our day like nothing happened? What does one do next? Well, we went to Church (it was Sunday after all), had confession (first day of advent), and then came home and ate. Periodically I would walk into a room and catch hubby staring into space. Total shell shock.

I'm trying to not be too excited. I want to confirm with the doctor before we tell anyone. Then Hubby wants to call his sister and I want to tell my parents in person. I'm so totally scared I'm going to wake up from this dream. I'm freaked out that something is going to go wrong and I'll lose the baby. I mean, what if this is just a chemical pregnancy? There are lots of people out there that know that BFP does not equal baby. I'm so scared I'm going to be one of them.

But today... I'm going to be happy.

What I WILL be thankful for

I'm freaking out! 12 DPO!! In the past, my LP has been 10 days, 14 days, and, most commonly, 16 days. So my test day is 16 DPO. Only 4 days to go!! Just think, due to the unlikelyhood that I will be near a computer over Thanksgiving Break, the next time I post I will be 'offically' pregnant! I was trying to decide how I wanted to do it. I think I'm going to wake up the hubby so he can be there with me and watch the stick turn pink. Of course, in imagining this scenerio, I did briefly allow myself to think about what would happen if the stick didn't turn pink. It was too horrible for words. Honestly, I don't think I could handle it. I was trying to think of a positive spin, just in case, and I did come up with one. Okay, right now my due date would be 08/07/09 so if I got pregnant next month, it may very well be....09/09/09! That would be cool! That would be the only cool thing. If I...oh wait...WHEN I am pregnant this month it would be very interesting because my hubby was born in Novemeber, nine months before his best friend. Well, his best friend is the one that had a baby this month...in NOVEMBER. So if...when we are pregnant this month, it would be very cute.

Meanwhile I will get through a weekend full of pregnant women, praying that there are no new announcements, and able to handle it because I am PUPO. Oh, and here's a funny story about that. There is a party on Saturday night in the state that we will be in visiting my hubby's family. Hubby wants to go, but I want to come home so I can test at home on Sunday. So he asks..."Can't you just test on Monday?" That was too funny for words. Imagine getting a super exciting BFP and then have to go to work and NOT tell people? Or, worse, imagine a BFN and then have to go to work and do a presentation. So no, I will NOT be testing on Monday, and yes we will be coming home Saturday night.

I am so excited. 4 days to go!!! Baby dust to all!

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!

PUPO and TMI

So I was browsing (obsessing) online and rediscovered an acronym that I forgot about: PUPO or Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. How appropriate! Hubby is concerned because I am so sure that this is our month that he dreads the crash. At this point, I don't think I can be saved. I don't want to start planning for the worst so I'm going to be PUPO instead. I've never felt this positive before, even when we were first trying. I was always cautiously optimistic, but now... I just want to be optimistic.

Okay, so I found a website called www.twoweekwait.com which is totally for obsessive freaks like me. People write up their stories and all their symptoms up until their BFP. This is AWESOME! Especially since I've been noticing things that I thought were strange, and atypical 2ww stuff, but its all here! Of course, rational me is saying, "Most people don't even know that they are pregnant during this time, and all symptoms could be a sign of something else." And emotional e is saying (screaming actually),"ME! ME! I HAVE THAT TOO!! OMG I'M SO PREGNANT!"

And now for the TMI (or Too Much Information.) If you don't want to read the personal, bodily fluids stuff, then you probally shouldn't read what's next:

1. Increased veins in my hands. Sure, blue veins on the breast are a classic sign, but I have very pale skin and very blue veins so I always see veins. But on the palm of my hand? That's weird.

2. Tingly nips. Could be PMS, could be the cold weather, but I chose to believe its a symptom.

3. Strange smelling pee. I know, WAY TMI right? But I just read it as someone's symptom! Perhaps a side effect of all the prenantal vitamins? But then why didn't I notice until AFTER I O'd?

4. Crampy, bloated, pressure. Again, I have IBS so abdominal twinges are normal, but this feels...different. Like a softball is sitting right next to my incision scar...you know...in the uterine area? Or maybe I just have to poo.

5. Runny nose. No, I don't have a cold. No, I don't feel sick. Yes, I did have a flu shot. Yes, it is a sign on some people's 2ww.

6. I just read a sign that actually happened to me last night. Even though I'm posting anonomously... I'm still uncomfy posting it. Basically, it was about a hubby commenting about how..uhhh...a certain 'place' felt different than other times. I know, TMI, but who'd have thought it was a sign?

7. Here is one all on my own, with no one else talking about it. Sensitive teeth. Very sensitive teeth. A symptom, or a bad dentist? I guess we'll know when I test in 5 days!

'Tis the most wonderful time...

I decided that the 2ww is the best time of the month. Why? Because its the 2 weeks (or 16 days as it typically goes for me) where I can pretend that it actually might have worked. I'm still focusing on sending out positive energy so positive energy bounces back to me, but I keep hitting a negative roadblock called le hubby. He doesn't want me to go into an emotional tailspin if I get a BFN on Sunday (yes! THIS Sunday!!) so he wants me to be more cautious. Well, too late.

So this weekend I wrote on my ff chart that I was naseuous and I got 44 points on my pregnancy signs. Wow! I thought that was cool, but I also thought I was nauseous because my body didn't agree with the sausage I ate for dinner. Still, the 44 points upped the optimism meter!

And then on Sunday I did an emotional bellyflop. It was over something stupid (Saturday night I asked hubby to go to church with me and he gave me a song and dance about how he couldn't since he had so much to do before the football game at 1p. Fine. So I get back from church on Sunday a.m....and he slept until 12:55!) but it had me in tears. Not big sobbing tears, more like silently leaky eyes. It was the typical "Woah! What was that!?" emotional crisis associated most commonly with...PMS. But then I hear 2ww symptoms are very similar to PMS symptoms, so I'm holding on to that hope.

6 days until I POAS!!!

Feelin' Groovy

Today I feel...happy? Seriously? How weird is that! I feel happy and peaceful. I have no idea why. I'm guessing its just a high point on the emotional rollercoaster I live on.

Here are the little things that made my day so far:

I woke up from a dream where I was up all night trying to ... what was it... there was a house and a party and I needed to do something.... oh well, its gone now. The nice part was waking up and realizing that I did get to sleep after all! Then I heard my current "happy" song on the radio (Jason Mraz, "I'm Yours") while driving to work. I have an easy day today which is why I'm typing instead of working which makes me feel relaxed after yesterday's work stress. As if that wasn't all nice enough, I was updating the family budget which I now refer to as the EZ budget and we're not totally broke! I mean, we've been overspending what we earn all frickin year because neither me nor hubby are good at tightening the belt, so I devised a budget where we actually live pay check to pay check. Its great! Don't get me wrong, I'd rather have a surplus, but with our ginormous student loan payments each month and our miniscule salaries there isn't another way. But now we don't spend more than we have coming in any particular week, all the bills are paid, AND we are starting to save!!! It's a miracle! Lastly, I was sitting at my desk and the clouds parted and a sunbeam came through my window, over my shoulder, and rested on my belly. Being the spiritual person I am, for that moment all I could think was that G-d was sending me a blessing, so I prayed that it was true.

11 days until I test (according to FF). I am not going to POAS any sooner than that.

Yesterday I was trolling blogs trying to find a new one to follow, and I love reading the back stories of people that were IF and are now preg. This one woman posted that she felt a baby implant. Then, about a week later, she posted that she was preg!! I thought that was AMAZING! So today (at 6dpo) I'm obsessing over every twinge. Of course, I have IBS so I have a LOT of twinges and I have a habit of psychosomatic symptoms so its probally nothing... but its hope and hope makes me happy.

I'm going to enjoy this feeling while it lasts.

Whew!

So after a small freak out last night I woke up this morning to a BBT of 97.96 which is wicked high for me. I plugged it in to FF and I got my crosshairs!! The cool thing is that I entered so many signs that instead of getting the normal dashed lines I got 2 solid red lines. And it turns out that I O'd when I thought I did, which was last Friday. So our outlook is "good" with us..uhhh..you know... on 3 of the 5 fertile days. If it happened (and I pray to G-d it did) then baby bean would be due in August of 2009. Worst possible timing for work, but the baby would be born a Leo and I can be down with that. So I test on November 30th. I asked hubby if we can come home from our holiday traveling on Saturday night because I don't want to test at the in laws house. If its positive, I want it to be a moment for just hubby and I. If its negative, then spending 2 hours in a car driving home would suck, as would hanging with the nephews or new babies. Of course, if AF comes early, or I have definite AF signs, then it doesn't matter. But there is no reason to think that I wouldn't be pregnant. I mean, you believe all relationships end until you are in one that doesn't so I'm going to extrapolate the same belief to this.

So what to do. I read on another blog (Redbook's IF blog) about how do you treat the 2ww. Do you treat it like any other time or do you treat your body like you were pregnant. After the lap I decided to treat my body like it was pregnant...sorta. I'm taking prenatal vitamins, trying to make healthy food choices, and drinking less then I normally would. So I think I'll take that up a notch, but nothing too drastic. I mean, I'm not giving up blue cheese until I have to, and with sushi I eat eel anyway and that is cooked. Still, I don't do either of those things with much regularity so it doesn't matter. I am cleaning the litter box because until I'm actually pregnant I don't think I could get hubby to do it. But MIL has promised a self-cleaning litter box once we announce a pregnancy.

Speaking of hubby, last night he was so sweet. I expressed concern that he doesn't share his feelings about the whole IF thing with me. He told me how he feels upset when he hears the announcements too, but he believes his role is to be strong and optimistic for me. On one hand it feels like a stereotypical gender role, which is SO not who we are, but on the other hand... I like it. I like that I can cry to him and he'll hold me and tell me he loves me and everything will work out. I would be willing to do the same for him but its a good point. Someone has to be the 'together' one. (I was going to say "strong" but I don't think feeling/showing emotions is a sign of weakness. I think anyone that is going through this recognizes how strong you have to be to deal with it. And apparently only 1 out of 6 couples has that strength. I'd really rather not be the lucky 1, but I comfort myself with how this has brought us together even closer and how much more this baby will mean to us because of it.)

So anyone out there want to go through the 2ww with me? So far symptoms are very tender bbs, and this morning I had a nasty stomach thing with abdominal cramping (though that may be the iron in the prenatal vitamins.)

Ain't no party like a pity party...

So this morning I posted about how FF is making me paranoid, and then comes along a big 'ole truck of salt to dump in my wounds.



The first of the "everyone is pregnant but me" babies was born.



I kinda wish I hadn't found out until AFTER work because I was being so productive, and now I can't concentrate because I'm oscillating between the following emotions:



1- Happy for their new arrival.

2- Sympathy for the child with the unfortunate name. (Which is so unusual I can't post it here since that may blow my anonymity.)

3- Horrible shooting severe pangs of jealousy.



I'm kinda getting stuck on number 3. I haven't spent much time with the other two. I'm hoping to avoid #4



4- Crushing depression.



I want to get back to my happy place. I think I'll go back and read that optimistic blog entry I wrote, and remind myself that the doctor says I WILL get pregnant, its just a matter of time. I'm slow...like a turtle. (Get it? nudge nudge The name of the blog? I'm so clever. :-) )



Speaking of clever turtles...

Seriously, someone's f*ing with me...

Okay, so last week I had a positive OPK. Yay! Except that I have had what I think is 3 higher temps, yet FF won't give me my cross hairs. So what do I do? I Google positive OPK and not ovulating and did you know that that was possible?! I thought if you didn't ovulate then you wouldn't get a positive OPK, but apparently that is just not true.

Well...crap.

Her e I was all excited to be in the 2ww, and I very well may not be. So do I keep POAS or do I just keep my fingers crossed that I'm having a slow rise?

Well, I guess I can't do anything about it either way. I'll just keep hubby on call just in case I have not yet ovulated, take my vitamins and act like I might be pregnant in case I have ovulated, and generally sit around and wait until FF gives us the cross hairs or AF arrives. Or generally speaking, the official "fingers crossed, legs aren't" attitude.

And optimism is over.

Maybe its the rain. Maybe its the fact that my kitchen is a mess. Maybe its because I'm procrastinating at work which allows my mind free time to wander which instantly means I'm thinking about babies. Either way, its a struggle to hold on to optimism.

But I'm trying! For example, I have a reaccuring shoulder pain that is excruciating, and normally I treat it with advil and heating pads, but I read once that Ibprofin can interfere with implantation and I'm taking NO chances. So I sit and suffer. And the first announced pregnancy is due next week and I am so jealous I could scream!

Meanwhile, the whole eatting lower GI foods is a wash. Its weird, it reminds me of quitting smoking. Back in the day (goodness! over 10 years ago!) when I smoked I would periodically try to quit resulting in me practically gnawing my arm off to get to a cig. Now I would practically gnaw my arm off to get to a cookie... or chocolate... or french fries... or pie. Mmmmmm...pie.....

Happy thought: on FertFriend there was talk about how the HSG flushes out the tubes and increases fertility for 3 cycles. Fingers crossed!

Bad thought: The higher the optimism the further the crash. It is currently CD 18 and I still haven't O'd so I got a long way to go with this cycle.

Well, I'll just keep trying to send positive thoughts out to the universe so that positivity bounces back.

Optimism makes infertiles happy

So its 14 days after surgery. Yay! I can now go back to heavy lifting!

I'm a wee bit scared to get too optimisitic about a BFP since, well, I've never gotten one before. But until we get to the crushing BFN, I figure we may as well enjoy this happy month. I'm POAS (OPK) and trying to eat lower glycemic index foods since that is supposed to help with PCOS. I've also learned that I have ZERO willpower when it comes to carbs, but I'm doing by best. Tommorrow I'll slowly start back at the gym which should help burn the bad carbs up. I'm also taking my very pricey prenatal vitamins every day. Is this neccessary? Probally not, but it also doesn't hurt to try. I've cut back the minimal drinking I do to even less, so that's good. And DH and I are getting back into the groove...routine...whatever. So essentially, this month we are doing absolutley everything every doctor has told us to do and we will see what happens. With my luck, this will be a 50 day cycle, but at least I will get to be optimistic and cheery for a good long time. Unless I ovulate this week we won't be able to have a BFP for Thanksgiving, but if we get preggo this month we will be able to announce (to our very immediate family) for Christmas. That would be super cool.

Fingers Crossed!!

Why Google is evil

So I Googled the other two diagnoses found during my laproscopy and only found scary things. I keep telling myself that my fantastic, highly rated RE is not worried so there is no reason I should be. I also have an appointment at the end of January to follow up, and if I am not pregnant by that time then we can discuss how big a factor these things may be. Until then, I will be optimistic that everything will be fine. For those who want to google, the diagnoses are:

1. Salpingitis isthmica nodosa

Yes, I've been tested for all STDs and besides a brief case of Trichomoniasis I have never had an STD. So no, I do not now, nor ever had PID. So its a mystery to me.

2. Adenomyosis

I saw the pictures, and it was only is certain places, not throughout the whole uterus (known as adenomyoma - a localized disease.)

And of course...

Endometriosis (Level 2, located primarily on the bladder)
PCOS (Thin, which is a wierd type, and I do ovulate frequently, so its not THAT big a deal.)

Meanwhile DH is all normal and above average, and I DO ovulate and ovulate well when I do. All my blood tests were fine, and the HSG that they did during the laproscopy was clear. Apparently I have beautiful tubes and fat healthy ovaries (as I mentioned in the last post) and I will keep reminding myself of that.

One of the hardest parts is knowing that if DH was with a 'normal' woman, he would have a baby by now. Sometimes, I feel like a failure. (Please note thatDH is VERY supportive, and never once made me feel even the slightest bit bad about anything. It is all me.)

So here's too optimisim! (and death to Google.)

UPDATE:

Okay, Salpingitis isthmica nodosa is abbreviated as SIN, which I think is too funny. (You know, as in "I'm a SIN-ner.") And I am currently reading an article called "Diverticulosis and salpingitis isthmica nodosa (SIN) of the fallopian tube. Estrogen-induced diverticulosis and SIN of the mouse oviduct." by R. R. Newbold, B. C. Bullock, and J. A. McLachlan and can be found at http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/pagerender.fcgi?artid=1900443&pageindex=1

So far, I feel better since SIN is realted to Adenomyosis, and infection is secondary. Still a source of infertility and ectopic pregnancy, but treatment is to clear the tubes and my tubes were not even partially blocked. And if my adenomyoma's are shallow or moderate then it shouldn't be a problem. So it makes sense that my doctor wasn't worried. (BTW, I skipped Google and went straight to my library at the University I work at to get the journal articles. Yeah, I'm a nerd.) So back to optimism. Yay!

So it wasn't that bad...

I think the bowel prep may have been the worst part! Here's the skinny:

Tuesday: Woke up crazy early to go for surgery. (POAS, still BFN). Got to the GYN Surg suite and checked in. Was taken back for pre-op. Of course, AF arrived to make my life needlessly uncomfortable. I got to talk with the doctor, the anasetisiologist, and the OR nurse, and then put on pretty gowns. The IV sucked, as did trying to remove my belly button ring, but no problems. Walked into OR, laid down on bed, and the lovely anasetisiologist gave me something to relax, and then the sleepy drugs. And then I was OUT! Crazy! I woke up 1.5 hours later in a different room in a different bed with O2 being pumped into my nose, a sore throat, and cramps. Pain was about a 7 so I got drugs. About 3 minutes later pain was a 3 so I got more dugs. Then I got ginger ale and was transfered to a more upright position. Once I peed I was able to leave. For the rest of the day I was sleepy, out of it, and in NO PAIN! None. Not even a little. I felt tight in the chest from the gas and a crazy sore throat from the tube.

Wednesday: Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch! I had cramps in my uterus, cramps in my back, and sore incisions and a sore throat. So I took my drugs every 3 hours and floated in a fog all day. Heating pad was AWESOME! Thanks for the suggestion everyone!

Thursday: Mildly sore. Had follow up with doctor that went well. Found out did have level 2 endometriosis (mild) on my bladder, which has been removed. That would have been enough to cause infertility. My tubes were open, my ovaries were nice and fat, and all was well. Did discover that I had something with a really long name that meant my tubes swelled where they met my uterus, but the tubes were open and the dye from the HSG spilled easily so this shouldn't impact infertility. I also had Adenomyosis, but the doctor wasn't concerned. In reading up on it, I don't have any of the typical symptoms, just like with PCOD, so I'm not too worried. I did see the pictures of it though so I know if was there, but it was very localized.

Friday - Sunday: Felt fine. Learned that I can't wear heels, and don't want to wear things tight on my waist. Otherwise, just got tired quickly.

Monday: Back a work. I'm EXHAUSTED and its not even lunch time. All part of the healing process.

So now the next step is to start over. All over. At least this time we know that we should be fine, that now there actually is a possiblity of pregnancy. I have a follow up appointment at the end of January, so until then I'm going to be optimistic and enjoy the holidays. Here's hoping for a baby by Thanksgiving!!

Bowel Prep

Ow. That is all I have to say. And I have to say it quickly because every 30 seconds I need to run to the bathroom since the 1.5 ML of salt water I drank is liquifying my insides. And it has been happening ALL DAY. All so I can wake up super early tommorrow and have my insides looked at. All of this for a baby.

I did manage to find a moment to POAS and get my expected BFN, so that's that.

Please. Please pray that the Doctor finds something. Otherwise, I slip into the land of unexplained infertility, and I'm not sure I can handle that. Sure, I have PCOS, but when we totally get the timing right it doesn't work. So what does it matter that I have PCOS?

Please God, please let the Doctor be able to fix what's wrong....

And we're off...on a 2 week wait!

So this weekend we got all riled up and managed to hit dead on O day. Nice. So now we wait. Of course, this totally screws up my surgery because the laproscopy is scheduled for the 2nd day of my period. I have my pre-op appointment this Friday and that should finalize the deal. I hope we can push it back a week or two. Actually, I really hope I'm pregnant and don't have to go through it at all! At least my test date is before the surgery, so I don't have to worry about accidentially going through surgery pregnant! We shall see....

Dry spell

Somehow, dear hubby translated "be careful since you don't want to risk being pregnant during surgery" to "whatever you do, don't touch your wife!" Going from gettin biz-ay every other day to none in over a week is frustrating. grrr.....

Meanwhile, life is chug chug chugging along with nothing too exciting on my end to report. I'm just anxiously POAS to make sure I'm not ovulating because I don't want anything to screw up my surgery. I have a Pre Op appointment on the 17th which should be very telling. We'll see where I am in the cycle by then to determine what the best plan for us would be. If I haven't O'd by that point, then I am free and clear! So again with the fingers crossed...

Funny Story

So the other day the MIL calls hubby, and during the conversation she says, "Does Amber know that EVERYONE in (the town she lives in) is PREGNANT?! How does she feel abot that?"

Seriously. She is not the brightest bulb in the pack. This is the same woman who, when I mentioned how I cried at the news of the FIRST pregnancy in the group she replied, "Oh Amber, seriously. Of course they are pregnant first because they got married before you." Ummm.... seriously? They started trying about 3 months AFTER we did. But that little biological fact I realized was not worth discussing with her. And now we get to see her this weekend.

The fun never stops.

Its Over...Its so over...

Did anyone get the Greys Anatomy reference?

Anyhoo... It was not implantation bleeding. Saturday my temp dropped. Mood sunk. Finally on Sunday I had cramps, nausea, and ...errr... other issues. And now starts a month of ambiguity. Do I have the surgery? Where will I be in my cycle? If I O early then we may finish the cycle before the surgery so we can try. If I O too late then we need to use protection to prevent a problem. And then of course, how long after surgery do we have to wait until we can try again?
Well, I guess its kinda like a vacation...sorta....

Either way, happy one year anniversary.

Devestation

I am really a downer, aren't I? Sorry about that. There are just so many things that make me feel sad.

The first is hormones. Seriously.

Second is stress. I feel like I don't have enough time to do anything. And then I'm supposed to be working with my Dad, and tells me not to feel like I'm obligated, but I'm doing something I don't really enjoy doing and making no money at it with the hope that someday I'll be able to earn some income. BUT I eat dinner at 9pm and sleep by 11pm so there is not much time there. Weekends I'm normally swamped. I didn't pack a lunch today since the kitchen was such a mess. On weekends I normally clean, but if the weekend is busy (like the past few) then the house doesn't get cleaned. If I'm doing this second job the amount I should be to make $$$ then I'm NEVER going to have a clean house. But then my Dad has been doing it full time for over a year and he hasn't made that much money at it. Darn economy!

The third is the whole not having a baby thing. Made less fun by going into the bathroom to pee and discovering red blood. Well, its only 11DPO and while I would LOVE to believe that this is implantation bleeding, my BBT dropped this morning. Still above the base line, but on the way down. But seriously, 11 DPO?!?!? Normally I'm a 14-15 DPO LP. That was the one thing I could actually depend on! An 10 day LP is a sign of a whole new problem. Because, you know, I don't have enough fertility issues...

But hubby is good. His appointment with the Urologist showed that while they like to see spermies that are over... IDK, 20mil, his are around 60mil. So I feel bad. If he was with a 'normal' person he would be super fertile. But it does take two, so if one part of a couple is infertile, then it is an infertile couple.

I'm still lying to FF about the bleeding. I'm going to pretend its not happening until I see what my temp is tommorrow...

Out out darn hope!

I'm trying to be logical, rational and realistic.... but hope keeps popping her ugly head in! Sure, hope can be a blessing, but sometimes its just cruel. I mean, my FF chart shows that my BBT has gone up...and then up again! Triphasic or just crazy morning? And my bbs are super sore. Regular PMS or pregnancy? I had to pee a lot yesterday. Drank too much or pregnant?

The more hopeful I feel, the worse the BFN will be. So I'm trying to relax. (I'm starting to hate that word!)

I will not Google two week wait symptoms I will not Google two week wait symptoms...

A fresh start...

CD 27 of 36
According to FF my average cycle is 36 days so yeah me! This month I'm average! Well, for me anyway. Some Googling revealed that average cycle lengths are 25-35 days, so I'm on the upper end of normal. That means I'll have on average 10 cycles a year.

Anyhoo, I'm supposed to be here talking about my fresh start. Then life keeps getting in the way. For example, I was at my cousin's wedding this weekend and I made sure she got the handmade lace handkerchief that every woman in our family carried starting with out great-grandmother (my mother's mother's mother, whom I hope to one day name my daughter after.) Well... it has gotten lost. Or at least my Dad just called to tell me that no one can find it. My grandmother gave it to me to continue the tradition, and I feel like I screwed up. Joy. So now I'm back to being moody and depressed. Fantastic.

I don't like who I am becoming. So lets get back to that idea of a fresh start. I can do this!!

I want to be the person I know I can be! I want to be healthy, and happy in my skin. I want to be productive and efficient at work. I want to be clean and productive at home. I want to finally hang something on the wall of the house that I have lived in for almost 2 years. I want to at least pretend to stay within a budget, at least so little things like car repairs, house repairs, and wedding gifts don't feel so painful. I can so totally do this!

But did you ever feel your brain freeze up, preventing you from pushing forward? Like you know you have to do laundry, but the idea of getting off the couch to do it is painful? So I'm going to try to do baby steps. Honestly, I think its the stress that is holding me back. And watching the horrible show Dr. 90210 this weekend, Dr. R was talking about how stress hormones seriously impede recovery from surgery. So maybe I really do need to relax, and being the person I want to be could totally help with that.

So I'll keep you...errr...me posted with how I'm doing, and perhaps that would be a welcome relief from the pity party I have become!

Two in one day!

Yeah, you lucky, non-exsistent reader! You get two blogs in one day! About the same issue. Sorry...

I'm just back from the bathroom where I had myself a nice little weep. Just thinking, this birthday will be the first anniversary of the first time we 'pulled the goalie' so to speak. I had been off bcp for about 3 months, was having regular cycles, and excitedly celebrating my last 'unfettered' birthday. Sure, hubby was still freaking out about the idea of becoming a dad and we weren't 'trying' in that we weren't doing all the millions of things we do now. At the time I didn't know about BBT, CM, RE, PCOD, Endo, FF, OPK or any of the other terms I use regularly now. I was hopeful, optimistic, and saw no reason why I wouldn't be a mom or pregnant by my next birthday.

My last chance, this is my last chance. If I'm not pregnant this cycle then I will officially NOT be a mom or pregnant by my birthday. I think about that happy optimistic girl that I was last year, cheerfully saying goodbye to my 20's and openly embracing my 30's. I was really excited about turnng 30, and all year I have been really happy to be 30. This 31 shit is for the birds.

I suddenly feel...old.

CD 24... and the two week wait

My birthday is coming. I had hoped that I would be pregnant or a mom by the tenth anniversary of my 21st birthday and this is my last chance. My test day, according to F.F. is the day before my b-day (which would be a lovely and respectable CD 36). What fun news to share on my birthday! I would have gotten to where I wanted to be, by the skin of my teeth!

But what if I'm not?

Then I get to celebrate this crushing disappointment at my nephew's birthday party. Joy. With my luck, one of the 5 pregnant females in the area that we know personally would just love to see us when we come to visit. More joy. The only thing that could top that would be to go to PA and have the last of the couples we are friends with announce their pregnancy. That would suck serious ass.

Looking at where we are now, it appears that my surgery would fall into the gray area between ovulation and AF. Not ideal, but it will depend on when I ovulate. I guess we'll have to play it by ear.

But fingers crossed for a BFP by my birthday...

Optimism is a b*tch.

Well, back from Dr's appointment. Dear hubby came with me which was nice, and I'm glad he could have his questions answered by someone other than me. (Apparently he's not a big Google-er.) So it turns out that yes, I still have PCOD and am referred to as a thin PCOD in that I don't have a weight issue, so losing weight won't help me. On the plus side, I am a good ovulator...when I actually ovulate. So good eggs, good sperm, and even good timing, but no baby. Apparently PCOS lowers your chances from the max of 20% each month to about 3%. Joy. So now we look at endometriosis. Of course, there is no way to test for this other than laproscopic surgery. Fun times! I'm to be scheduled after event season, which means the end of October. If all goes well, then we will be left to our own devices for 3-6 months. If in that time we don't conceive, OR if it turns out that I never had endo to begin with, then its on to Clomid plus diabetic meds. After that...IVF.

I'm thinking I may be a big 'old hypochondriac, and we're just missing the timing. That sounds way more fun then thinking there is something wrong with me. I don't mind a surgery that will make me better, but I do have a problem with a surgery that doesn't do anything and of course we can't know that until we do the surgery. ugh.

So next step is to keep doing what we're doing, cutting out sugar, going to the gym, and calling the insurance company to make sure they will cover the surgery.

But the doc DID say that I WILL get pregnant. Apparently we ARE fertile people, just on a different timetable then everyone else. Whoda thunk?!

Still, in the back of my head the reality of being pregnant seems so unlikely and so far away...

Good news is fun

So we got the good news from the dear semen analysis people....

HE'S FINE!

Yeah!! So its just me. Well, I guess in the end its a huge relief. The bummer is that sometimes it feels like that...like its just me. Don't get me wrong, hubby is awesome, but I got another pregnancy announcement over the weekend. No wonder my stomach hurts and I've been nauseous for days. (And no, its not a pregnancy symptom. I don't even know how that would be possible.) Hubby says that he believes we just haven't hit our stride yet, and besides, right now it seems like pregnancy is the fad on the day in our circle of friends and with celebrities (or VP candidate's teenage daughters) and who are we to follow a trend? Its much more fun to be special.

So on Monday I will go to the special doctor and talk about special drugs so I can have special mood swings and other special delights. I was torn about taking Clomid, but now it seems like, "why not?" I mean, its been a year and odds are this cycle will continue until past my birthday anyway, which will REALLY be a year. I remember this time last year, we were off the pill and just toying with the idea. October, after my bday and our anniv. we had unpro sex for the first time, and by the end of the month/start of November we stopped using any type of protection. I remember the long shot of hope for a Thanksgiving baby, and the realistic hope of announcing a pregnancy at Christmas. I remember thinking, "This is the last New Years where I'll be able to drink for a while." Well, that's one resolution I'd like to keep. So bring on the drugs!!

Fear of mail

Well, officially not PG this month. :-(

On the other hand, talk about wicked timing! I get home yesterday and my test results were in. Nothing exciting, just confirmation that my ovaries are not a happy place and apparently my vaginal shmear was fine. The best part about that is that I didn't have an vaginal shmear, but still, glad to know it went well. Because my wacky body decided last month to be 'normal' it screwed up my tests, so when my Dr. sent me a prescription for a re-do of my FSH for CD 2 or 3 I thought it was great timing that today was day 3! Lucky! So today I had a blood test. More fun for the family. And Dr. said if I wanted to review my tests in more detail to make an appointment. Already done. I feel so on the ball!! When I get to her office, I'm totally ready to commit to the anticipated horror of Clomid. But maybe it won't be so bad.... Stay tuned!

So feeling pretty good.... until the first dreaded baby shower invite arrived. I'm so not going. There is no way I am driving 4 hours north on a Sunday (no exaggeration. She lives out of state.) to attend an event where 4 of the attendees (that I know of) are pregnant, and then turn around and drive 4 hours home. Meanwhile, I'm a month from turning 31 and have no hope of fulfilling my plan/dream of being pregnant or a mommy on my 31st bday. Yeah, sounds like a no brainer. But I will check out her registry and will still send her a gift. yippee.

WARNING! Pity party ahead....

Apparently, this all hit me harder that I thought it would, so I spent the night sobbing my little eyes out, finally turning to allergy medicine to knock me out just so I could STOP! I never wanted to be one of those woman that had problems. I wanted things to be nice and fun and exciting. Why do I get the shaft? What if I can't have kids? We have NO money for IVF or adoption. And I mean NO money. We make a modest salary, but after you subtract the heinous amount of student loan debt, and the mortgage and the car payment, we do just okay. Just okay. Not okay enough to take on more debt. I don't think it is responsible for us to spend so much money to have the kid that we can't afford to keep the kid. So I'm scared. If I can't get pg with minimal medical assistance, then I may not ever be able to get to be a mom. This is what scares me the most...

The fun things fertiles don't get to do

Well, on Friday hubby went in for his SA... and I went with him. I have to admit, I was SO curious and he was SO nervous, I thought he could use a hand. (Please pardon the horrible pun.) The clinic turned out to be one very well advertised on the radio so it kinda felt like visiting a celebrity. Everyone was very nice and very accommodating and didn't at all make me feel like a shady lady, sneaking into the back room with the hubby. And what a room! Made for men, of course, with leather furniture and wood paneling, with dark green paint and framed hunting pictures of ducks on the wall. The err... visual materials were stashed away in a basket and there was a TV in the room, with more visual materials tucked away in a cabinet beneath. With all of this, and 5 days of abstinence behind us, it still felt a little forced and awkward. But in the end we got a nice sterile, unspilled sample. How romantic. The nice thing is the receptionist instructions you to leave your sample in the room, leave the door open, and then you are free to go. Its nice to not have to run into anyone who totally knew what you were doing in there. What an adventure to share with the kiddies some day.

And now we wait. I need to call the Doctor to make an appointment to review the test scores and probably get Clomid. I was so hoping that this month, with my magical 14 day ovulation, that we would be pregnant and I could laugh at the irony. Well, I POAS this morning and got my expected, and dreaded, BFN. It is CD 28, 14 dpo, my boobs are sore, and I still have high temps. It makes sense I was hopeful. But yesterday I was cranky and today my stomach had some minor... errr... distress, which are all signs of PMS. I'm guessing I'll have a drop in BBT tomorrow and AF will arrive tomorrow night. So I'm just going to wait until all hope is lost, THEN I'll call the Doctor.

And the spot goes on...

Yup, still spotting. Sucks. I'm also having slight boob tenderness/tingles. Pregnancy sign or hypochondria? Who knows.

On the plus side, hubby FINALLY got his appointment to get his little swimmers tested. Lets just hope they're all a bunch of Micha*l Ph*lps'! The appointment is Friday, so no nookie all week. The insurance company finally agreed to pay 50% of the test. Whew! But of course, we need to pay it all up front, and then send in the paperwork to get reimbursed for our 50%. When I say "we" I mean "me" since I know my hubby will not send it in. Heck, we just got him a cell phone for $40 with a $50 mail in rebate. Well, guess who mailed it in? Oh well. At least he cleans the kitchen!

Meanwhile, I got to do a really fun blood test yesterday. Whoohoo! And now we wait. Once hub's test is done, then I call the RE to make an appointment to review the results and plan the next step.

So say a prayer for the swimmers.

Spot On

So this spotting thing has got to stop. I've spotted for 4 days now and its starting to get old. FF is saying it may possibly be implantation spotting (nothing like getting the ole hopes up) but I have a vague memory of spotting back in the day, when there was no chance of a pregnancy. So I think I'll just chalk it up to having a wacky body and call it a day. (But just in case, I think I'll take those prenatal vitamins and lay off the booze.)

Meanwhile, the work front has gotten a LOT easier. Remember Little Mr. Ineffective from a previous post? Well, on Friday he really came through for me, putting Little Miss Mean in her place. So maybe he's not so ineffective after all....

And the hope meter rises...

This morning I was sleepily doing my thing and discovered LOADS of creamy CM and...wait...what's that? Is that...spotting? Now make sure those horses are held because seriously, it could have been a million things, including my imaginiation. But what if it was a faint trace? Is that what implantation spotting looks like? It figures, my child is already making a liar out of me in front of a doctor. OR, and the bigger possibility, is that it was nothing and I'm not pregnant and I totally need to chill.

But just in case, where are those prenatal vitamins...

When normal is abnormal

We are currently at CD 17... and I just got my crosshairs on FF! Seriously, WTF? I mean, ovulating on day 14?! Do people actually DO that?! Of course it happens the month with all the doctoring, just so my ovaries can make a liar out of me. According to FF we are "Good" this month, meaning we got biz-ay at the appropriate times. So we shall see. Happy two week wait everyone!

Meanwhile, I get to figure out why we have $0 in the bank, and why the insurance company is being a pain in the butt about getting a semen analysis. The Urologist told hubby to go to local hospital for the test. Insurance company said, no, go to local lab. Local lab says they don't do SA's. Now what? So back to Insurance Co. who says we have to get a pre-authorization to go somewhere else, and the Urologist's office has no idea how to do that. And back to the beginning. So while hubby's manly bits look alright, we still don't know if our infertility is 'my' issue or 'our' issue. Of course, its always OUR issue, but it would be nice to know where we stand and what our options would be if we're not preggers this month.

The funny thing? I would tell hubby that it was okay if we weren't pregnant until August since getting preggo in August would give us a much more favorable due date in terms of my work schedule. Could it be? I'm kinda convinced its not but lord knows I'll be praying and analyzing signs!!!

And the diagnosis is...

PCOD. Poly-Cystic Ovarian Disorder. Whoda thunk it? I'm officially a member of the infertile club. What I find particularly interesting is just how much sense it makes. I mean, I called my mom afterwards to tell her and her response was, "Oh, that's what I have!" I was like, wuh?! When I was in H.S. my mom went in to the hospital for what she thought was appendicitis and turned out to be an ovarian cyst. She had trouble conceiving due to erratic periods and had always blamed it on the pill. Well, it makes sense that she has always had PCOD. Other symptoms of PCOD include acne (I have it on my back, my mom had cystic acne everywhere) and IBS (which my mom and I both have to varying degrees.) I don't have excessive body hair, which is a symptom, which is why I would brush it off as a diagnosis. I also don't have a problem with weight. (My mom does in the underweight side of the scale.) So I got a bunch of blood drawn, and 8 days after I ovulate (G*d knows when that will happen) I have to get another blood test. Meanwhile, the hubby also had blood tests and will have a S.A. done. Once all of this is complete, then its back to the doctor for next steps. I'm seeing Clomid in my future, but I'm nervous since BCP's made me depressed and I'm nervous about hormonal intervention, but if it is what it takes then I'm going for it.

So while I'm patiently waiting to O, I need to continue with my Cardio and cut out refined sugar. Apparently refined sugar makes PCOD worse. (Something about excessive insulin, combined with ovaries = testosterone which = later ovulation.) Hmmm... maybe I should stop eating my yogurt which contains 14g of Sugar from High Fructose Corn Syrup.

Anyhoo, the Doc says that she is optimistic since I DO ovulate, and now we just need to figure out how well I ovulate. With intervention, if I'm not pregnant in 3 months, then we will move on to the next step. Still, 3 months? That's pretty cool! Of course, for me 3 cycles could actually mean 5-6 months.

It's bound to be an interesting ride...so here we go........

D-Day!

Well, its here! Doctor Day! (Its also CD 11 if anyone cares.) I'm so nervous. I don't know what to expect, and I'm a little uncomfortable talking about it with a Doctor. Weird, right? I can talk about it with friends, but I'm scared 1) to be labeled a hypchondriac, 2) to be told to 'just relax and wait',and 3) that there IS something wrong with me.

But only time will tell...

Meanwhile, I have err..gastrointestinal distress due to the level of anxiety I feel because of the soul sucking evil that I work with. I think I'll take a looonnngggg lunch today.

Why I can't relax

Does anyone remember the "Little Miss" and "Little Mr."? They looked like this:

Well the reason I can't relax is because these are the characters I work with. Let's see...there is a Miss Mean, Miss Crazy, Miss Indecisive, and Mr. Ineffective. These are the only four that cause me grief (keep in mind, that including me there are 14 people in my office (4 GAs, 1 Part Time, and 9 other staff) and recently, 3 people have quit because the four characters I mentioned are just that bad. Mr. Ineffective is a very nice person, but he is supposed to be our leader and avoids conflict at all cost. Miss Indecisive also avoids conflict, though not as much, and is still inclined to bow to other's opinions without often having one of her own. Miss Crazy will be your BFF one minute, and then biting your head off the next, and Miss Mean is...well...mean! All three Misses are on this one committee that basically sit around claiming to be marketing but really just telling other people what to do. Its the Power Trip Committee and they are making me miserable.

So I wonder, is the fact that my chest hurts and I'm nauseus just about every day have something to do with why I'm not pregnant? I'm certainly not relaxed. When you think about it, I spend more of my time either at work, going to work, or preparing for work (shopping for work lunches, laundry and ironing, etc.) then I actually do relaxing. Then on weekends I do real estate, which I don't particularly enjoy.

Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on this baby, like I'm expecting it to "save" me. I don't know why, I guess I'm just hoping for some perspective. I'll still be working after the kid, most likely full time, and I'll have even less time to relax, but I'm hoping that the work stuff will seem less important in comparison. If after this appointment on Friday I learn that I have major issues, then that will direct me. There so many things I'm putting off (like changing jobs) because if I get pregnant then I won't have sick days saved up, I may not be eligable for FMLA, etc. Or I could go get a second Master's degree but I don't want to start a program, and then drop out to have a kid. So maybe I'm putting too much pressure on my doctor.

Maybe I'm just putting too much pressure on me. Maybe I just need to say "F*ck it" and let the loonies run the asylum.

I am stronger then I think I am

My husband accuses me of always assuming the worst is going to happen, and not giving other's the benefit of the doubt. Like this past weekend. We went to a birthday party in hubby's home city for one of his (newly single) friends. Of course, when 4 of hubby's friend's wives are pregnant, there is bound to be a pregnant lady at the gathering. And there was. Luckily, we watched her arrive while we were getting some pizza so I had a chance to try to get used to the idea of her with a belly before I actually walked into the party. Hubby says I needed to relax because preggo wouldn't be the type of person to talk about her pregnancy the whole time, but that isn't the problem. Its that EVERYONE around her wants to talk about the pregnancy all the time. And of course, we walk into the party and see the birthday boy's younger sister there with her new baby, so of course there was a lot of baby talk. My mature response to the situation?

I avoided them.

Very hard since it is a small apartment, and even harder because I'm fairly certain they knew I was avoiding them. I also had to hold my sh*t together to not scream at people when they ask the questions "So, when are you two going to have kids?" and "Are you drinking tonight?" Which is the subtle way of asking, "You knocked up?" I need to develope a witty repitoire of responses. If anyone does read this and does have a great one, please let me know.

Then the next day (with my hangover since the best place to avoid pregnant people is at the bar though this preggo did have a glass of wine) I attended a 9 year old's bday party. That is what we call insult to injury. Especially because my nephew's were there and I just LOVE them. Yes, I do have a favorite and its seeing him that really makes me want to have kids. And watching hubby play with the kids always hurts a little since I want him to play with HIS kids.

Well, I have 4 days to pretend I'm normal before seeing the RE....

My Happy Life

So I realized last night that when I'm not thinking (or being forced to think) about baby stuff then I'm a pretty happy person. And then I'm surrounded by pregnant women talking about it and I get sad. Luckily, most of the pregnant people I know live out of state so I have no worries.

One of my coworkers is leaving for a new job today and I'm kinda bummed. She was a great woman to work with, and in my office of cackling witches, it was nice to have someone sane to talk to. I really respect and admire her. That got me thinking about another former coworker at a different job who I have plans to have lunch with next week. There are a lot of similarities between them. They are both friendly, perpetually positive, outgoing, hard working both at work and at home, and always seem to be moving forward. Interestingly enough, these are the same traits my mother has. These are NOT traits I have. I'm lazy and a horrific procrastinator. I feel very passive to their active, and yet I'm a control freak. Its a weird combo. But I strive to be more like these women because I hope when I'm a mom I can be more like them. (Neither of them have children though. One is about to start trying, and the other doesn't really want to be pregnant and is toying with the idea of adoption. $10 says the one that is about to start trying will be pregnant before me. She was also the "God's will" one and if she gets pregnant easily she will be insufferable.)

Speaking of God's will, does anyone have an interest in knowing about the URL I chose? Well, I was at a wedding last weekend and the evangelical preacher kept talking about the 'Heavenly Glue' holding the couple together. I couldn't stop laughing. Neither could the bridesmaids or the rest of the audience. It just sounds so messy! But then I thought, how fun for a blog URL? I mean, you read a lot about 'sticky beans' on TTC sites, so what makes them stick? How about some heavenly glue? Or a sanctified staple? How about some holy tape? Bet you didn't know that God ran an office supply company....

Anyhoo I have 2 days until I'm smacked in the face by a pregnant woman, 9 days until my doctors appointment, 13 days until my D.H.'s appointment. Apparently August is a busy month.

What makes a day lucky?

So I finally managed to get the appointment. You may wonder why on earth I would still want to see a doctor that left me on hold for that long. Well, that's just how doctors work. At least the away voicemail gave the doctor's cell phone number for emergencies, and when I did get through they were very nice to me.

How I chose my doctor:

My Aunt is a L&D nurse at the hospital near my work. I toured the hospital while working on my master's degree in women's health since my friend (who is now pregnant) was writing a paper on hospital birth centers. I likes aspects of the hospital, and I liked the fact that my Aunt works there and would be able to get me the 'good' room. So I asked her which OB she would reccomend. She had LOTS of stories, and it all boiled down to Dr. FutureOB. Since I've been recieveing my 'lady parts' care from my PCP who, as it turns out, knows NOTHING about fertility, I decided I needed to see a real OB/GYN for help in why my cycles are all wacky. So I call Dr. FutureOB and her office asks me if I'm pregnant. "Well, that's the problem," I reply "I'd like to be but seem to be having problems." So they tell me they can only accept pregnant patients, but refer non-pregnant patients to Dr. GYN who is a fertility specialist, who then refers them back when they are pregnant. Fine. Well, it turns out the Dr. GYN is also one of my friend's GYNs who was reccomened to me ages ago! So I consider this fate, and think its nice that my new GYN is also an RE. So my appointment is for 08/08/08. In numerology (in the back of YM magazine, back in the day) 8 was my number. So...I'm hoping its a good sign.

So what am I hoping for?

Am I hoping to be totally fine and just need more patience or do I want a problem that modern medicine can fix? On one hand, who doesn't want to be 'normal', but on the other hand it would be nice to do something more active then just having all the sex. I'm hoping maybe for some mild endometriosis, nothing that a little laproscopic surgery couldn't fix right up, resulting in me being superfertile. My hubby has an appointment with a urologist soon, and I think I may be more scared for him. We talked about how fertility issues strike at the heart of your gender identity because that seems to be the big factor seperating men & women. There was actually an article online the other day (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25573669/wid/11915773/) about the prejudice against infertile women in Africa. It makes you wonder, do we have the same prejudice here, yet only more covert? I mean, people seem to have a lot of opinions of who should and should not have children in this country.

As a side note, I'm Catholic, and if sex is only supposed to be for procreation, then what happens if you are unable to procreate? I had a friend mention 'God's will' to me in terms of not being able to conceive and I'm sorry, but my God just couldn't do that to me. God wouldn't instill knowledge into doctors about ways to cure infertility if we were just supposed to accept it and move on. My bigger dilemna is how far am I willing to go? Hubby and I had a nice dinner last night and tried to discuss it, but basically we decided that we will get our results and deal with what comes. I am so thrilled to know that he feels the same way I do; that he also has problems being happy for our pregnant friends, and is not opposed to avoiding them at all costs.

Meanwhile, I have cramps but very low flow. I never thought I'd miss my periods so much.

And so it begins...

Once upon a time, I was terrified at the idea of becoming pregnant. I was in college, in a long term relationship, and just about every month before AF was due, my boyfriend and I would sit and talk about what we would do (heaven forbid) if I was pregnant. Fast forward a couple years and a new boyfriend and I had an 'opps' moment with a breaking condom, forcing me to frantically try to secure Emergency Contraception. (Not an easy task.) Fast forward again, and I am right this very moment sitting on hold (for over 12 minutes!!) to try to make an appointment with a highly reccomended GYN/RE to discuss why I am not pregnant after 10 months.

Some of you are now scoffing. "10 months?! That's nothing!" Yeah, I know. That's why I wanted to name the blog "The Turtle Club" in honor of those of us who seem to just be taking their sweet time to conceive. But then trouble started. My nice regular 30/32 day cycles became 40/45 day cycles. My 4-5 day periods are now maybe 2 days at the most. According to my temps I ovulate, and some months we have done everything perfectly and yet things don't seem to happen.

Meanwhile, just about everyone I know who is married is pregnant. No, that is NOT an exaggeration. My hubby is one of those people who's friends have all settled into the same area that they grew up in (but not him. We moved away.) And of those of his friends who are married, all but 1 is pregnant and that 1 hasn't stated trying yet. That makes 4 couples. Plus 3 couples that we know locally, and 1 that is in a different state. So that means right now I know 8 pregnant woman, and that doesn't include the ones that have just started trying, or the ones I went to college with that have posted their babies/pregnancies on MySpace. Many of these people were pregnant within 2-3 months of trying. Apparently I'm good luck for pregnancies...other than my own.

So I sit on hold (20 minutes now) racked with PMS, feeling the first twinge of AF and wondering if IF is genetic. My mom TTC'd for 2-3 years before having my brother. She had all the doctor's appointments and they said she was fine, and yet still had a hard time partially to her low weight and partially to her 40 day cycles. Meanwhile, her mother had 6 kids, so go figure.

So welcome to my journey. Pray that I'm just being silly and just didn't give it enough time. Meanwhile join me as I try to navigate doctors (25 minutes on hold!), frustrations, and trying to hold my sh*t together while attending events where all of my friends are preggo. Basically, just trying to get myself back on my feet.

BAD OMEN:
After being on hold for 27 minutes, I hung up and called back. The call catcher informed me that THE OFFICE WAS CLOSED!!! They left me on hold and went to lunch!!!!! WTF?!